(Closed) Waiting for about 5 years, have been together 10. Do I give up? (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it’s time you proposed to him. 

I’m serious.  Take back some control over your life.  He either knows now that he wants to marry you, or he doesn’t.   If he protests that he wants to get you a nice ring, say, great, I can’t wait till you surprise me with it, but I don’t want to wait for a ring to be engaged. His answer, if you ask him, will tell you a lot.

Post # 4
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Babs_79: I got engaged and married this year. Before that, I was with the same guy for 8 years. We were together since I was 20 and he was 19. We have lived together for 5 years and I actually moved with him to find a job in a different state. We had the same issue: he said he wanted to get married, but needed x, y, and z before we did. After finishing school, starting a job, and reentering school, he finally proposed. I remember how sad and frustrated I was that he didn’t seem to be reciprocating the same feelings and ideals. Some guys are just really slow with these things, they have an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” attitude, and it may be that he has this fantasy idea of what a proposal or wedding should be.

It sounds like you guys talk about it, but if you haven’t already, be frank with him. Explain to him exactly how you feel that he hasn’t proposed and seems to have forgotten his promise to you. Set clear guidelines that you both can live with and then may be let it go for a while so he can put his plan in motion. 

 

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

@mightywombat: i’m with you on this one, after being together that long he either knows he wants to marry the OP or he knows he doesn’t and she will never know the truth without a serious talk. OP does he even have a real reason for why he hasnt proposed yet? It very well could be the “if it aint broke, dont fix it” attitude

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would just explain to him that perhaps you are not looking for “nice rings ” or a big wedding. You are more interested in what a marriage symbolizes.

Maybe he thinks you require a big blowout wedding and tiffany rings etc ?

I also read that he said your families should meet…does he mean meet for the first time? You’ve been together for about a decade and no meetings?

Post # 7
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds to me like youre keeping a lot of your feelings about the situation bottled up for the sake of his feelings. Is it possible that he doesn’t realize how important this is to you? 

Post # 8
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

He’s never told you he’s against marriage or anything

He dangles the marriage topic in front of you on more than one occassion

But yet is full of excuses? I would be very bitter by now if I were you

 

Post # 9
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Here’s my opinion, for what it’s worth – I would say the first thing to do is be SURE that he knows how you feel about marriage and how important it is to you, and that it will not magically stop being important to you just because he continues to do nothing about it. Make sure he knows that you don’t just want to get married, that you want to marry HIM.

Once you’re SURE that he knows how you feel (you may already be sure, I don’t know) then you have a much better footing to start from. You then need to find out how he feels about marriage. You could say something along the lines of “we’ve been together for 10 years, we should be sure about each other by now – if we are sure about each other then what’s the hold up?”  He either needs to come clean and tell you why he doesn’t want to get married (and not some stupid “because I can’t get you the perfect ring” reason) and then you can either stay with him and not get married, or you can leave. Or he needs to ask you.

The other option is to ask him yourself, but I’m guessing that if he has opinions on the ring he wants to get you etc. that he probably wants to do the asking. ergh!!

It sounds like you really love this guy, so I really hope things work out for you. (hugs) x

Post # 10
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry to have this perspective, but.

Before my FI was with me, he was with another girl for 13 years. He then broke up with her, met me, and we were living together after nine months, engaged after two, and are getting married in October. 

I flat out told him once that if he had made me wait 13 years for a proposal I would have been out the door way before that point. He replied that he would never have made me wait that long because he simply didn’t want to

I would end it, move on, and see where things go from there. 

Again. I’m sorry you’re in this position.

Post # 11
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

it sounds like he does want to be with you and is telling you he wants to marry you and buying a house together is a huge thing as well – so that’s all good! It just seems like he’s not realising how important the engagement is to you, which is exactly what I went through with my now fiance.  He kept saying things like “yes, of course I want to marry you and i see myself spending the rest of my life with you” but didn’t seem to realise that I am very cynical and until he walks the walk, I don’t believe the talk!!  So he probably thinks that his reassurance is enough for you – you need to make him see that unless he follows through, words are just not enough.  I explained that to my guy, and when I did it calmly and rationally and pointed out things like how long it would take me to plan a wedding (a long time because my family is spread out and living in different countries) and then things like a woman’s biological clock (because he definitely wants kids, and definitely wants them after marriage, and we’re already in our 30’s) he realised that he needed to get a move on. I set him a deadline, he met it, and that was that!  we’re getting married next year 🙂  sometimes they just need an actual deadline, you can be funny and jokey about it, to gently remind them, and if he really wants to be with you then he won’t have a problem with this at all.  when you guys were buying the house and stuff that is a lot of stress to deal with and it’s not surprising he forgot.  but also with the deadline, if you set it then you really do need to be ok to wait as he may seriously wait until the day before it to propose!  OR like other people have said, you can propose to him.  I told my FI I was going to do that if he didn’t hurry the fuck up, and I think he really hated the idea of having our engagement story being about me proposing to him because he didn’t man up and do it himself – lol!  so that threat definitely helped!!!  but then again some guys really like that they got proposed to so it could work out well anyway.  Good luck and let us know what happens

Post # 12
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t buy the “I forgot you wanted to get engaged”.  Really???  He is telling you the words to get you to stay.  He has gotten what he wants every time. 

Post # 13
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@Sunflower–girl:

Agreed.

He didn’t forget to finish school

He didn’t forget to buy a house

I’m sorry to say, but IMO Bebefly’s example sounds pretty similar here.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@bebefly: This reminds me of a couple that had been together like 5-6 years, broke up, and were both married to other people within 2 years of the breakup. Sometimes I think that if people wait so long, it’s just not the right person (of course sometime it isn’t the right timing or whatever else, but clearly for this couple, it was the wrong person).

Post # 15
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m not sure if I really agree with you proposing to him, but in this case since it’s been sooooooooooooooooo long, maybe you should go get him a ring and ask HIM to marry you. This way, you can hopefully get some truth. If he really wants to marry you, he will say yes. You know the latter…

Also, you can have a VERY nice wedding on a tight budget. 😀 Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

The first thing I thought of after reading the title was “why doesn’t she propose to him?” and I’m going to stick to that. I know many women dream about the ‘perfect proposal’ but would you rather waiting another 10 years, or break tradition and go for it?

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