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i think you two should sit down and talk in terms of definite plans. you should be honest about how you feel about your situtation and what you hope you can gain from the discussion, whether it be a firm idea that you two will be getting married or a basic idea of what he's thinking. but definitely talk. it's a little scary to bring up the subject but you'll feel a lot better having talked it out. if you can't wait until he gets back to discuss this, then you should be prepared to talk to him over the phone or something soon.
everytime i waver, even the slightest bit, the boy reinerates his intentions for us to gett married and it makes me feel a whole lot better about our situation. i hope you have the same luck. i'm sure you'll get plenty of great advice here on the board. good luck!
Please don't say that you're afraid it's a waste! Be happy with where you are now in your relationship. You love each other, and he knows you want to get married, so don't let yourself stress so much about the proposal. He'll do it when he's ready. Until now, appreciate what you have and live for the moment--don't stress about the future!
Unless you have reason to believe he will never ever want to marry you, I don't think you should worry. I do think you should talk to him about marriage again, let him know you're ready, and see where he stands.
how does he feel about marriage, whats his reaction to friends and families that are getting married.
personally i would give him a timeline and if he doesnt buck to that then how many more years of your life are you prepared to wait for him to come around
goodluck!
I hear you cuz I've been there. I know how you feel that we're not getting any younger and we both mature enough to get married. Maybe you can ask him in a nice way for how long more do you need to wait? I asked that to my FH. If both of you already talked about marriage, I think that's a fair qs. But, try not to push him, maybe you can give a little hint ;)
Good Luck!!
we're sooo Here!! i will be 30 in about 8 months and i swear i hear a clock and it is LOUD!!! does he know how you feel about getting married?
definitely, definitely have a talk with him and be honest. try to focus on your relationship and where it's at, and not that of your friends. it's just heartache when you keep comparing yourself to other people. remember, the grass will always be greener on the other side. and remember, life can be full of unexpected surprises!
When you "talk" about it, is it a "when" or is it "if"? He may simply need more time (timelines are a good thing, personally i think after 5 years you should KNOW where your relationship is going) or he may not know where you stand.
Tell him you're afraid he'll never ask you, etc. Sometimes they need to know that. If they think you are content where you are, he may not necessarily feel the need to propose. But if he knows you want/need it, that'll help. Don't give him an ultimatum yet but I would definitely throw a timeline out there that if you two want to be married by X, he should propose by X so you can plan accordingly.
Well said ejs!
Sometimes guys don't know what you want or expect unless you lay the guidelines down. I would not do an ultimatum but I would starting talking about what you want out of your relationship. Being together for 5 years is a long time, so the two of you should know what you want out of your relationship.
Don't stress about it but be sure to work it out!
Good luck!
Thank you so much for your positive and generous responses.
I am afraid that it is a bit more complicated than waiting for him to propose. The fact that he is in another country and will be away for two months makes me anxious on what might happen when he gets back. When we talk on the phone or chat, he's mostly tired. I am trying not to be as demanding as I would probably be during my younger years. I also noticed that he doesn't seem so enthusiastic when we talk and act as if he doesn't miss me at all. Do men change really after long years in a relationship? He's focused now with his job but after waiting this long I am not sure if it's going to end in marriage. I am very close to giving up. Is this normal? I get the feeling that he may lose interest and slowly pull away from our relationship. What's the best way to handle this other than tell him upfront? Would being less available work? Thanks for reading... -dc
I have been there - one may say I am still there.
I have been with my bf for over 6 years and finally I gave in and gave him an ultimatum. Here are a few things I have learned about ultimatums and how they work best.
One be honest about everything - it is time to lay your cards out. Explain your feelings and why his just saying that you'll get married someday isn't reassuring or whatever is most pertinant. NO CRYING. If you think you'll cry then you should consider writting a letter for him to find when you are out. DO NOT DO THIS WHILE HE IS A WAY. These things are upsetting to everyone but particularly to guys. You need to deliever the blow then the next day or evening come back and be a normal loving person like the conversation didn't occur. If you left him a letter just ask if he got it and then don't say another word.
Set a date and stick to it. Some tips about this is don't pick an arribitrary date. You need him to know the date otherwise you won't feel like he new when and be tempted to stay and he won't feel he had a fair chance. Don't pick an arribitrary date because you will then be tempted to move it..
I can't say this enough. Give him the ultimatum then don't say a word about it to him - you may take a trip away while he is at home so he can experience the feeling of your not being there and don't contact him while you are away. Pick up his calls if it is convient but allow him to experience not having you.
I know it sounds sneaky or awful or something like that and that is exactly how I felt until I couldn't take it any longer. A friend of mine's roomate had done that with her boy of 4 years and on the last day he proposed. Another girl I know did it and the guy missed the date so she left and about 2 weeks later the guy showed up with a ring and proposal. It is hard and stressful but where you are at right now is certainly affecting your quality of life. I ended up giving an ultimatum but not providing a date and when he missed it we were on a romantic getaway and I felt it wasn't fair that he didn't know the date. Several weeks later I set him down and told him that there was an important event coming up in my life but he had to propose before I knew what was going to happening with that. He has the ring now but he hasn't proposed yet and it is a real race of time with the deadline
Feel brave and go for it. Best wishes
I think you might need to hold off on thinking about marriage until he comes home and the two of you re-find your footing together. It seems to me that the bigger question is not 'will he propose' but 'is this relationship going to last'? Deal with the second question first. And deal with it by talking with him when he gets home. Skip the game playing: watch and communicate. It might just be that he isn't good on the phone, or that he's tired and distracted. Or it might be that he is retreating from the relationship and is beginning to think about bringing it to an end. You can try to talk about it over the phone or you can play cool and be your usual lovely self and wait to see what happens when he gets back.
(You can also use the time to think about how happy and fulfilling YOU find the relationship. Forget your timelines and focus on whether or not he really makes you happy.)
You definitely don't want to force engagement on someone who doesn't really want to marry you or who isn't really committed to making the relationship work. You need to talk to him and figure out whether or not he is still in.
Hello,
I think there's no use now for waiting. I honestly feel that my relationship is not working. Everything is just falling apart. I feel I had to try to work things out, but I think I already did what I can. I am not happy and waiting for something that will never come, is downright pathetic (in my case).
I am not happy and wishing that time will take the pain away real soon. It is obvious that you can't force someone to be with you if he clearly is trying to/ slowly pushing you away consciously or otherwise. I am in that very situation. I am just going to try to be as productive as I can be during this difficult stage of my life.
Everyone deserves to happy in love. But I guess it's not yet my time. I don't want to think that I have wasted my 5 years over nothing.
Thanks for all and I am glad I learned about this site. I will stay around and keep reading all the wonderful and inspiring news/blogs.
Love,
dc
dcstar! ((hugs!)). It's really not easy to be waiting for anything but especially when you feel like he might not be as interested in it as you are. Have you tried writing to him and expressing how you feel and maybe putting yourself a little out there (tell him about your insecurities, be open with him), and you might be surprised about how receptive he could be!
HUGS dcstar! I have to say that I know where you're at to a tee! I would say don't give up hope just yet. I am always the "tired" one in the relationship and I often feel guilty that I'm not bringing enough to the table in our relationship because I work 50-60 hours a week, I travel often for business, and I'm trying to finish a Masters degree. I'm not making excuses for your SO, but it's often hard to focus on and put in sufficient effort on many things at once when you're in survival mode. THat said, I am playing the waiting game myself, and there have many times this year where I've thought about walking away because I didn't think we were on the same page and I was tired of the fact that we weren't discussing the elephant in the room. But I agree with baffled111 that it sounds like you two need to do some serious debriefing with each other when comes back. And not just about your relationship - it also seems like you two need to remember what you enjoy about each other and about being together. I know first hand that sometimes life's stresses eat away at you and it helps to take a breather every now and again, and rejuvinate yourself and with your partner. At least give him a chance to express his thoughts on the subject and try to pinpoint what you think is holding him back or what is holding your relationship back, and for you to express how much you are hurting right now.
At the end of the day you do need to do what is best for you, and if that means walking away and moving on, so be it! It sounds like you are a strong person, and know that whatever happens at the end of this, you will be ok!
We're here for you, and keep up posted!
I would say that you need to figure out exactly where you two stand first. My advice? Don't go with the ultimatum. You don't want to be married 10 years down the road and having a spat and he throws "well you MADE me marry you" or the like, up in your face. Just don't go there. If you both know where you stand then you can figure out where to go from there, together. I wouldn't suggest having this 'discussion' the first couple of days he's back because he'll be tired and probably not in the mood to talk about this.
Good Luck!
-Bella
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I have been in relationship for over 5 years now and I still have no idea if he's ever going to propose. I am scared that everything will be put into waste. :( We have already talked about it a few times but there are no definite plans. It makes me feel insecure and I am afraid to admit that fact to him. Most of our friends are engaged and/or already planning their weddings and I am still here waiting for things to happen. He's in another country right now for two months and I am not sure if I can wait forever for him to propose. :( I am not getting any younger and I am close to reaching 30. Please help me understand my situation. I am clueless...