- 5 years ago
So, here is some background for all of you bees out there. My current boyfriend and I met in 2007, in our university’s dining hall, during OU weekend (UT vs. OU game in Dallas). I was 18 and he was 20. Not long before I had met him, I had just gotten out of a three year relationship.
I had broken up with the previous boy because he was threatening suicide if I did not agree to marry him. I said no, and ended things. No, he never committed suicide or hurt himself. Still, the breakup and aftermath was horrible for me. I was scarred by our emotionally-manipulative relationship.
I met my current boyfriend, within a few days of this relationship ending. Most of our campus’ students were heading up for the game in Dallas. Personally, I had no desire to go (ex lived there, I was upset still, family lived there, and I had issues with them, I am not really a football fan, etc.). He also didn’t like football, so he stayed on campus as well. Two-thirds of our closest dining hall seating had been closed off, due to lack of students. We ended up sitting by one another and talking about everything. We left only when the staff asked us to leave so that they could clean and close up. He found me on Facebook that evening, and asked me to IM him if I go bored. I did. After talking until 1 am, on IM, I asked him if he would be interested in just hanging out the next day/evening. I had intended to just hangout, and make a new friend (our campus was huge, but I didn’t have any real friends yet). We ate dinner in our dining hall, and talked about family and views on social issues in the media, etc. We went bowling at our student union, and had a wonderful time. We hung-out at my dorm afterwards to continue our conversation, and before the end of the night, he kissed me.
Before I knew what had “hit me” I was in a new relationship and happy. Fast-forward to four months later. He was serving a co-op with NASA, and I was still at our university. He broke up with me. He said that he could not do long distance. I was devastated. Less than a month later, he was in a new relationship with a girl in a different state. I was angry when I found out. I felt like I had been lied to and used.
I tried to move on with my life: hanging out with friends, studying, and taking up new hobbies. At the end of March, after and month and a half after not speaking to one another, he IMed me. We talked for a while, and he told me about his new girlfriend. I tried to be genuinely happy for them, but I was struggling. I cared about him, and wanted him to be happy though, so I tried harder.
In July of that year, I had gone through some major changes my life. I had left the university (personal reasons), moved back to Dallas, my parents divorced, I moved out with my mom and little brother, my mom and I were having issues, and I had changed majors and would be attending a community college. I received a text from him that morning saying that he was sorry and that he should never have broken up with me. At first, I was elated, but upon remembering how happy he had been with his now (ex) girl, I asked him what had happened. He opened up to me and he talked for hours. I knew that he didn’t really want a relationship with me again, but that he was hurting terribly over the breakup. We continued to try to be friends that summer.
When he returned to Texas, at the end of August, from his internship in Washington State, he resumed his studies at UT and I began mine again in Dallas. We continued talking, texting, IMing, and Skyping. He even came to Dallas to visit me a few times that fall. I was falling in love with him again, but I was terrified of having my heart broken again. He was still hoping that the other girl would change her mind, about the relationship ending, or at least remain friends with him. She used him for emotional satisfaction and then stopped contacting him that spring. She eventually blocked him on Facebook.
He graduated from UT, and moved to Washington for a job offer.
He told me that he would be signing up for online dating. I did as well. Surprisingly, I ended up dating someone, and he did not. When everything seemed to be going well, I was happy with my relationship, except for my current boyfriend’s attempts at interference in my relationship. I thought he was just jealous. I confronted him and he admitted to it. The relationship turned out to be abusive (my ex and I). I broke up with him, after a final argument. He stalked my apartment complex for awhile, apparently.
That summer, I went to Washington to visit my current boyfriend. He said that he loved me, but could not be in a long distance relationship.
I was sad and depressed. We continued texting, IMing, Skyping, and talking nightly on the phone. My friends and family suggested that I move on, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to date another “random guy,” and I was still in-love.
That winter he and his mom invited me to go on vacation with them that summer. I went. We spent a lot of time together, and his mom loved me. By the end of it, we still weren’t quite a couple. My best friend IMed him that fall, and told him to decide what we wants, telling him that until he did, he would only hurt me.
That winter, he asked me to be his “Facebook complicated” (2010- we were still long-distance). We decided that after I graduated the following August, I would move to Washington with him. I did. We took a week-long road trip to move me here, and changed our status to: officially in a relationship. We have been living together for a year. We have been on multiple vacations together. We have combined our bills and finances. We share chores and errands. We have a cat together. We are on the same health and car insurances. We love one another. We have planned out how many children we would like to have, their names (first middle last), and have talked about or dreams, values, and goals in life. His mom has even had me try on rings (a year and a half ago).
He doesn’t want to be engaged anytime soon. We have talked about waiting until after I finish my BA in Elementary and Special Education in 2 years. I am 23 currently and he is 25. He has a good job, and I am a full-time student.
We were recently at my sister’s wedding, with me there as her bridesmaid. My relatives kept asking, “I When are you getting married?” “Why aren’t you engaged yet?” “How long until you graduate? Why?” “That is too long to be together and not be engaged.”
I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me! In the past he has said, some day we will get married. He has said that he wants to buy me a nice engagement ring, and propose in a foreign land (he won’t tell me anything else). Now he isn’t even sure that he wants to get married anymore. He remarked that if we get married, it will only because I want to. Our friends are married or engaged, and at least one set of them his unhappy in their marriage.
So I am: not engaged, not on the verge of being engaged, may not ever be, am not graduating yet, don’t have children yet (like my siblings do older and younger), and am stuck in an emotional-relationship-rut. I don’t know what to do! I have suggested couples’ counseling, but he says that our relationship is perfect.
He isn’t saving for a ring wedding, house, kids, or anything like that. Does he really not see a future with me, even though he says that he loves me so much? Should I wait 3-4 more years (2 years until graduation + a year of teaching or two)? Should I give up, and be happy with my situation as it is?
I love him, and I don’t want to walk away. I have tried proposing, and he said he would not let me, but that he would rather follow tradition. Anymore nagging, hinting, joking, or asking will just ensure that he does not want to propose to me.
I feel like I am the last to “grow up” in so many ways. It hurts. What’s wrong with me?