Post # 1
My FI and I had an interesting conversation last night. Before we got engaged, I was only “waiting” for a few months. I knew he was the type who would feel pressured, so I hardly ever talked about getting engaged. I guess I applied the “shut it up pact” before I even knew about WeddingBee. He was able to completely surprise me with an engagement and designed a beautiful ring all by himself.
This past weekend my FI’s roommate from college got engaged. They have been dating just over a year and the girl was VERY outspoken about being engaged. From early on (2 months) she would constantly talk about rings. She would always “like” wedding-related things on Facebook. When they went on a weekend away, friends of hers would always post “I hope you come back with a ring.” When talking to his roommate after the engagement, his roommate even admitted feeling a lot of pressure. When ring shopping, she never liked any of his suggestions and he ended up getting a ring completely different from his original plan.
Although we both like his roommate’s fiancee, my FI was completely turned off by her behavior. He kept saying how glad he was that I did not constantly bring up getting married or engaged while we were dating. He said that he would have felt major pressure and it would have taken away from the surprise of the engagement. He believed that girls and guys look at things differently. He thought that a girl is ready to get engaged when she finds the right guy. He believed that guys want other factors to be in place (financially stable, good job, the right “age”, whatever…) before proposing. He felt that couples should be able to talk about a future together in general but the specifics of a proposal should be left up to the guy. (Of course, this is if the couple would like a more traditional proposal).
I just thought it was an interesting conversation to hear from a guys perspective. I guess guys really appreciate the shut-it-up pact! Best of luck to all of you!
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
That girl sounds kind of cray to be honest XD I’m sure she’s lovely but acting like that would definately put most men (or people in general) off.
Post # 4
I agree it’s definitely up to the couple, but I will agree continuously pestering a guy about it is the definition of annoying. Even though my SO and I are totally on the same page re: engagement, marriage and our life together, I do know that I can sometimes be overly gushy about wedding/engagement stuff and I’ve been trying to scale it back and let him plan things. I did tell him over the weekend when we were together that my only request with the proposal is that it’s captured on film or video.
Post # 5
@gingerspice: Thanks for sharing this! It’s nice to hear about it from the guy’s POV. It certainly must feel like a lot of pressure as it is, let alone if we never shut up about it. I know women who brought up the idea of engagement within the first two months of dating a man! Literally talking about it down to the size of the ring and the amount that MUST be spent on it. Takes the romance out of it, no? 😉
Post # 6
While i’m sure it’s a ton of pressure, I dont think a gal who cant help herself but ask should feel like she’s weird or bad or anything, depending on the situation. Girls that can bite their tongue are certainly NOT the norm. I feel like if you’ve been dating a guy several years, cant hurt to bring it up…..now like 3 months on the other hand, maybe don’t pester just yet!
Post # 7
I actually had a similar experience. My SO and one of his work buddies, we’ll call him George, are about the same age. SO and I have been dating a couple years longer than George and Emma.
I have kind of put the pressue on my SO that it’s time and he’s on the same page so we’ve been looking at rings and talking about it for about the past 6 months. So of course he talks to his work buddies about it too.
George tells my SO that he already took Emma ring shopping because she dragged him there and that she picked out exactly what she wanted. He also said that she had a hissy fit and started yelling at him that “all her friends were getting married and having kids and she felt like she had nothing.”
My SO tells me this story and he says to me, “I would be so upset if I were George, she made it seem like their relationship isn’t good enough unless they’re engaged and getting married.” He also said he wouldn’t have been excited shopping for a ring like that.
I’m pretty controlling, so I had a hard time letting him be the one to surprise. I actually ended up ring shopping with a friend of mine first because SO and I had been talking about rings, but I wasn’t sure what I liked having never tried one on in person. I wasn’t sure if he would even take me shopping with him.
Then he surprised me one day by taking me to “look at settings” in his exact words. I think that way he got an idea of what exactly I liked. He even told me that he’s so glad he involved me in the process because he would have picked something entirely different.
In the end, he’s working with a designer to do a custom ring. And I don’t feel bad about giving up control because I’m confident that he knows what I want. This way it will still be a surprise.
I thought it was interesting to hear it from a guy’s perspective. The best thing to do is to let them kind of lead the charge I think.
Post # 8
I think you guys are the two extremes, and you both got very lucky.
The naggy girl got lucky she was with a man who went along with her very premature and very obsessive constant marriage talk without becoming irritated or starting to think that he was just around to fill the husband role.
But that doesn’t mean your way was automatically right. What if he had been the kind of guy who kept you stringing along for seven years? At that point, your lack of desire to talk about it would actually be working against you–either he wasn’t ever going to marry you and you didn’t find out until you wasted several years, or else he had wanted to marry you for a long time but you didn’t seem to be in any hurry, so he assumed he shouldn’t be either.
I think all the pressure on waiting women to not ever mention marriage ever to preserve the “surprise” element can be extremely damaging. It sends the message that a woman doesn’t have the right to know or have a hand in what her future is, that she has to wait on a man to determine what will happen to her. It also puts the aspect of the surprise above the aspect of compromise between the couple. I don’t know of a single couple whose marriage success was predicated on whether the proposal was a surprise or not. Not to mention whether or not the ring was a surprise–I picked my own and he later admitted he was GLAD that I had, because what he originally envisioned was nothing like what he would have gotten. I can’t imagine a guy being disappointed that his SO’s ring was what she wanted instead of what he wanted. Some compromise might be warranted if he really feels that strongly about it, but to me it seems really selfish for him to have wanted his way with the ring. HE isn’t going to be the one wearing it!
A healthy medium, and the one I think waiting women should take, is to bring up marriage fairly early (as in, do you ever see yourself getting married/having a family?) and then at about the one-year mark, ask whether he could see himself marrying you. After that, keep the dialogue open in a frank, nonthreatening, non-neurotic way.
Post # 9
@EffieTrinket: *stands and claps*
Post # 10
@EffieTrinket: yeah exactly
I’ve tried to be somewhere in the middle. I do bring it up sometimes, but I try my best not to nag and push. Although I waited 5 years to start nudging him.
Post # 11
The girl in your story who was nagging after only a few months sounds a little cray-cray to me! I’m shocked the guy went along with it because if I were him I’d feel like a piece of meat.
On the flip side, if a (not super young) couple has been dating for 4+ years then the guy deserves to be nagged. Not saying it’s a good idea (!), just saying that he has it coming 😉 Like EffieTrinket was saying, I always felt really pressured not to say ANYTHING. And it bit me in the arse because my bf didn’t realize how important marriage was to me. I should have said something before I started going crazy about it, not after… because now waiting is miserable for me. I’m trying to keep my mouth shut as much as possible while making sure he knows to hurry it up.