(Closed) Waiting game coming to an end… but the ex-factor still making things difficult

posted 5 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, if you really aren’t comfortable wearing the ring, you should just talk to him about how wearing something that was a promise to someone else makes you uncomfortable. Tell him you would honestly wait it out for a ring or not wear a ring than wear one someone else was given. I think he’ll be understanding of it. I would not wear a ring that was given to someone else first.. even if it was melted down and reworked. When my fiance and I got engaged he was going to take the diamond out of his moms engagement ring to save money, but because his mom and dad had a terrible realtionship, ending in divorce and his dad never being involved in his life since he was two I just told him I would rather have a smaller diamond, or wait for a ring or whatever than to wear a ring from such an awful relationship.

Post # 4
Member
7468 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

My FI was also previously engaged and he used the same stone for my ring. I didn’t see the point in him losing the value of the stone he had purchased in order to buy a new stone in the same shape. To me, a stone is a stone, and I wasn’t too worried about having the same stone. I was more focused on finding a setting. When I got to choose the setting that I would love with him, that made me feel even better about it. That made it really feel like my ring. So my advice is to choose a setting that you love. I have never looked at my ring and thought I was wearing someone else’s ring.

Post # 5
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a tough one.  First off, I really think you need to have a sit-down, honest-but-gentle conversation with him about your aversion to wearing a re-made ring from an ex.  Even if it is remade with new gold, if you’re uncomfortable with it (to the degree that you will not wear the ring) you need to tell him that very clearly, and now.

Once the conversation has happened, you’ll have a better idea of where to go from there.  If you truly feel that you’d rather have no ring than that ring, so be it…..perhaps he’ll have to save for a longer period or get you a super dream wedding band.  The other option is to see if he’s comfortable with you contributing to the cost of your ring.

Would you wear an estate/vingage ring? They can be less expensive than a new ring, and perhaps will fit into his comfortable budget from the sale of the ex’s ring.

Post # 6
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Personally, I would never wear a ring my FI’s ex had. It would be the LAST ring in the world I would want, even if it was melted down, reset, etc.

Post # 7
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yikes, I understand your discomfort. Too bad he doesn’t want to trade it in for whatever he can get and perhaps pay some more for a ring of your liking. A fresh start for you both! 

If you’re a bit superstitious, it might be hard to get over the fact the stone belonged to his ex. When you go through hard times, you might think of the ring. It is possible to get your mind to accept reusing the stone and gold, to remove links to a former gf. Maybe yoga can help! 😉

Please make sure you don’t wear this ring if it will bother you. Hugs!

Post # 8
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Yikes, that sounds tough!  You said he doesn’t want to trade it in because he won’t get as much money for it as he paid, but maybe that’s the best way to go at this point.  And hey, maybe on your 5th or 10th wedding anniversary, he can get you an upgrade, right?  🙂

But for what it’s worth, when I talked to my fiance about buying a ring, he kept insisting, “I don’t care what it looks like because I’m going to be looking at YOU.”  I genuinely don’t think your fiance understands that you’d be uncomfortable wearing this ring because HE won’t think of it as his ex’s ring — he will just be focused on you regardless of the stone on your finger.  If this doesn’t make you feel comfortable with the ring, then I definitely think you should talk to him and see if you can trade it in for another stone.

Post # 9
Member
732 posts
Busy bee

I feel you should be able to have a say in this, since it’s YOUR ring. Talk to him about it, but do it as gently as possible.

Post # 10
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

There’s no way around being honest here. You just have to talk to him about it. 

Post # 11
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@AlwaysSunny:  Agreed! You need to be having this exact conversation with him, not us, before he goes ahead and creates a ring for you that you’ll be uncomfortable wearing! You don’t want to begin this awesome new journey with him in a bad state of mind.

Post # 12
Member
2032 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ok, here is my input. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should talk to him and explain WHY.  You have a happy relationship and don’t want any reminders of the old one.  I’d ask him how much he was planning on saving to pay to have the ring remade, and ask him to spend that amount on a ring for you. It will likely be smaller, but it will be YOURS.  Keep the ring from the ex, and on your 5 or 10 year anniversary, trade it in. Most jewelers will offer full retail as long as you spend double (so phone paid $5k, he’ll get $5k as long as you spend $10k) unless it is like a Tiffany’s ring where the price is generally higher. It will give him plenty of time to save for that, you still get a ring to wear now and you don’t have her ring on your finger,  

Post # 14
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@dansypants508:  Great going! Honesty is really the best thing in this situation. Smile

I went through the same thing with my now husband and know exactly how you feel. It definitely wasn’t an easy talk, but he came to understand how I felt. Then, he actually got really excited about the idea of getting me something better than what he’d gotten for the previous fiancee (since I am a better person than she is, according to him lol). I did wear the other ring for a while until he could afford to buy my ring, but I only wore it with the assurance that it was temporary.

As far as trade-in, he was offered next to nothing by the places we tried. He was going to put it up for sale, and then his mom offered to buy it from him. Rather than have her buy it, he just gave it to her and she wears it on her pinky as a little extra bling bling.

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