Post # 1
I just want to say first, thank you to those of you who were extremely helpful last year when my patience was running thin. With all of your support and advice, I was able to focus on what really matters, my relationship, this past year. Since xmas is coming up, I’ve fallen back into my “why hasn’t it happened yet?” mode and need a little advice.
This past year, nearly all my close friends became engaged or got married. It’s been a lot of fun, and it’s also opened the door for good, productive conversation with the SO. He’s finally ready to pop the question (he told me he went to the jewler a few weeks ago, YAY!). But, there’s a little issue regarding the ring.
My SO was previously engaged and kept the ring as collateral (fyi she wore it for like a year and then cheated on him)- he tried to take it to trade it in, but won’t get nearly as much as he spent back and doesn’t want to save more money for a new ring. He’s told me he is saving money to melt down the setting and rework the ring. The thing is, it makes me cringe and feel like crying thinking of wearing her ring on my finger. I’m kinda superstitious and even with melting and making a new ring, it’ll still be the same stone. Honestly, I’d rather not even have a ring, if it means seeing her and what she did to him on my finger for the rest of my life. I just want him.
Help! How can I calm myself down so that I am ready to accept this amazing gift? I want to not worry about this, but it just bugs me. What would you do?
Post # 3
Honestly, if you really aren’t comfortable wearing the ring, you should just talk to him about how wearing something that was a promise to someone else makes you uncomfortable. Tell him you would honestly wait it out for a ring or not wear a ring than wear one someone else was given. I think he’ll be understanding of it. I would not wear a ring that was given to someone else first.. even if it was melted down and reworked. When my fiance and I got engaged he was going to take the diamond out of his moms engagement ring to save money, but because his mom and dad had a terrible realtionship, ending in divorce and his dad never being involved in his life since he was two I just told him I would rather have a smaller diamond, or wait for a ring or whatever than to wear a ring from such an awful relationship.
Post # 4
My FI was also previously engaged and he used the same stone for my ring. I didn’t see the point in him losing the value of the stone he had purchased in order to buy a new stone in the same shape. To me, a stone is a stone, and I wasn’t too worried about having the same stone. I was more focused on finding a setting. When I got to choose the setting that I would love with him, that made me feel even better about it. That made it really feel like my ring. So my advice is to choose a setting that you love. I have never looked at my ring and thought I was wearing someone else’s ring.
Post # 5
This is a tough one. First off, I really think you need to have a sit-down, honest-but-gentle conversation with him about your aversion to wearing a re-made ring from an ex. Even if it is remade with new gold, if you’re uncomfortable with it (to the degree that you will not wear the ring) you need to tell him that very clearly, and now.
Once the conversation has happened, you’ll have a better idea of where to go from there. If you truly feel that you’d rather have no ring than that ring, so be it…..perhaps he’ll have to save for a longer period or get you a super dream wedding band. The other option is to see if he’s comfortable with you contributing to the cost of your ring.
Would you wear an estate/vingage ring? They can be less expensive than a new ring, and perhaps will fit into his comfortable budget from the sale of the ex’s ring.
Post # 6
Personally, I would never wear a ring my FI’s ex had. It would be the LAST ring in the world I would want, even if it was melted down, reset, etc.
Post # 7
Yikes, I understand your discomfort. Too bad he doesn’t want to trade it in for whatever he can get and perhaps pay some more for a ring of your liking. A fresh start for you both!
If you’re a bit superstitious, it might be hard to get over the fact the stone belonged to his ex. When you go through hard times, you might think of the ring. It is possible to get your mind to accept reusing the stone and gold, to remove links to a former gf. Maybe yoga can help! 😉
Please make sure you don’t wear this ring if it will bother you. Hugs!
Post # 8
Yikes, that sounds tough! You said he doesn’t want to trade it in because he won’t get as much money for it as he paid, but maybe that’s the best way to go at this point. And hey, maybe on your 5th or 10th wedding anniversary, he can get you an upgrade, right? 🙂
But for what it’s worth, when I talked to my fiance about buying a ring, he kept insisting, “I don’t care what it looks like because I’m going to be looking at YOU.” I genuinely don’t think your fiance understands that you’d be uncomfortable wearing this ring because HE won’t think of it as his ex’s ring — he will just be focused on you regardless of the stone on your finger. If this doesn’t make you feel comfortable with the ring, then I definitely think you should talk to him and see if you can trade it in for another stone.
Post # 9
I feel you should be able to have a say in this, since it’s YOUR ring. Talk to him about it, but do it as gently as possible.
Post # 10
There’s no way around being honest here. You just have to talk to him about it.
Post # 11
@AlwaysSunny: Agreed! You need to be having this exact conversation with him, not us, before he goes ahead and creates a ring for you that you’ll be uncomfortable wearing! You don’t want to begin this awesome new journey with him in a bad state of mind.
Post # 12
Ok, here is my input. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should talk to him and explain WHY. You have a happy relationship and don’t want any reminders of the old one. I’d ask him how much he was planning on saving to pay to have the ring remade, and ask him to spend that amount on a ring for you. It will likely be smaller, but it will be YOURS. Keep the ring from the ex, and on your 5 or 10 year anniversary, trade it in. Most jewelers will offer full retail as long as you spend double (so phone paid $5k, he’ll get $5k as long as you spend $10k) unless it is like a Tiffany’s ring where the price is generally higher. It will give him plenty of time to save for that, you still get a ring to wear now and you don’t have her ring on your finger,
Post # 13
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement- it’s exactly what I needed to talk to him about it. He said he understands, and that he’ll swap it out but that it may take a little longer for the proposal since he wants to save up to pay for a nicer setting. I told him I am happy with whatever setting he picks out, even if it would be a less expensive ring because honestly I really only want to be with him and I know it’ll be pretty no matter what.
Thank you all so much again! It’s so great to have such support!
Post # 14
@dansypants508: Great going! Honesty is really the best thing in this situation.
I went through the same thing with my now husband and know exactly how you feel. It definitely wasn’t an easy talk, but he came to understand how I felt. Then, he actually got really excited about the idea of getting me something better than what he’d gotten for the previous fiancee (since I am a better person than she is, according to him lol). I did wear the other ring for a while until he could afford to buy my ring, but I only wore it with the assurance that it was temporary.
As far as trade-in, he was offered next to nothing by the places we tried. He was going to put it up for sale, and then his mom offered to buy it from him. Rather than have her buy it, he just gave it to her and she wears it on her pinky as a little extra bling bling.