Post # 1
So I am a very private person and my family are very private people.
I am expecting the first grand child for our in-laws and the second grandchild for my parents.
Last night my MIL said that she will be camped out in the delivery waiting room waiting for the child to be born. I just thought that was so presumptious. In my family we do not do that, my mother told me to call her when I want her there, whenever that is as she does not want to impose.
As some background – MIL’s family does not do this either! For both of her births she never had anyone but her husband and never had anyone in the waiting room. She didn’t get any visitors until she okayed it so how does she just assume I will want her camped out in the waiting room?
I am going to speak to my husband tonight and his motto is whatever I need I get – he has even said if I want my mom in the delivery room with me and his mom not anywhere near it he supports that cause of what I will be going through. I just do not get the presumption though!
Can anyone sympathize or commiserate?
She also said she would fill in for DH if he couldn’t make it to any prenatal appts and when I said they are being booked around his schedule she said she would still like to go to one…I just gave her a blank stare and she dropped it.
This topic was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by missjewels.
Post # 2
This is a thing, but I put a stop to it by not letting anyone know I was in labor until after the baby was born.
No way I was going to have family waiting for hours in some dreary hospital waiting room while I worked on pushing a baby out of my vag.
They all had plenty of time to come to the hospital and visit a few hours later after everyone was cleaned and stitched up. Plus, it gave DH and I time to bond as a new little family before the chaos started.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
In my area, everyone shows up to the hospital, and then leaves a couple hours later. It is a thing.
BUT if you’re uncomfortable with it, it doesn’t have to be YOUR thing.
Post # 4
I totally understand why this might be off-putting, but I think this is meant with nothing but the best intentions, so I wouldn’t be too upset. She didn’t say she was going to be in the room. Honestly, if she’s in the waiting room, you don’t even have to see her. You can still be in charge of when (if) she’s allowed to come back and see you and the baby. But if you don’t want her in the building, that’s something she should respect and I’m glad your husband is standing by you.
It sounds like she’s trying to be supportive. And it sounds like she’s excited. So recognize that and thank her for that. But it’s also okay to let her know what you are and are not comfortable with. Be honest that you’re a private person and aren’t comfortable having her there for appointments/at the delivery. Maybe find other ways that she could be supportive that would be helpful for you? That way she can direct her energies into something that can be beneficial to you both. Life is all about compromise and findings solutions. You have every right to your privacy, but she’s going to be a grandmother. Of course she’s excited and wants to be involved! I think that’s a good sign for future kiddo that they’ll have an awesome grandma! So now it’s just a matter of negotiating what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with.
Post # 5
She’s overstepping, but she’s probably just soooooooooooo excited to see and meet and be involved in her grandchild’s upcoming life.
If I were you I would maintain my boundaries but be kind and not outraged. By all means have your husband tell her your request is that no one be in the waiting room as you feel you want privacy and so on, but that you guys will keep her updated via phone and will let her know the minute it is OK to come visit.
When she talks about doctor appointments, save the blank stare for your homeroom teacher and just say, “thank you, I’ll let you know if I’ll need your support at an appointment”.
Who knows what the future will bring? Suppose you do end up having a complication and your husband or own mother simply can’t make the appointment? Are you going to reject her support out of spite?
Post # 6
I feel for you! I’m of the opinion that people need to butt-out until Momma says it’s ok for visitors.
I didn’t intend on telling anyone when I was going to be at the hospital when I went into labour. My mom REALLY wanted to be there, but I was strict on my rule that it was just DH and I until I said people could visit.
I ended up with an induction, so my mom & IL’s knew it was happening, but I just played the whole “induction takes a long time, it will probably be at least a day …”
I had my daughter at 5am and didn’t call anyone until about 8am and didn’t have visitors until later that day.
Get your DH to put his foot down. This is an important and exhausting time. People are excited, yes, and they have the right to be, but they need to respect you too. I always find it odd, that it’s usually women, who have been through childbirth, who are the pushiest when it comes to being involved to this extent.
Post # 7
missjewels: Just don’t tell her you are going to the hospital until after the baby is born.
Post # 8
missjewels: I think it is a thing.
My mom didn’t have a positive pregnancy/labor and delivery experience. She was alone (my biological father wasn’t involved at all) and wasn’t prepared for labor and delivery and was scared and panicked the entire time which made for a more painful experience.
But with all that said, my mother continues to ignore (or at least it FEELS like she is ignoring) the fact that I am married to a VERY supportive man who is going through this experience with me every step of the way sans carrying the baby himself lol.
He and I attend Bradley Method Classes and discuss our options in great detail. I feel like I tend to protect my family (my husband and our unborn baby) and our decisions in a very ruthless manner when I talk to my mother. I feel kind of bad for making her feel so set apart from us sometimes so I talk to her about our decisions and our day to day plans. At times, I can just kick myself for doing so.
My husband is away for work for 9 days so he will miss one of our birth classes. My mom said “Oh I can go with you!” No. No you will not go with me. He is my coach – my mother will not be my coach nor will she serve as an assistant or stand-in. She has this “It’s MY GRANDCHILD” mentality which in her mind, ranks way higher than the baby being OUR CHILD. If I mention something to her about helping out at our house and we disagree on how I want to do something she takes this high and mighty stance of “Well if I see you doing something I don’t agree with, I will speak up! It’s my right as the grandmother.”
Where is this book of rights? Seriously… and just yesterday she said “oh next Mother’s Day will be so much fun! I will get to raise another little you”. WTF?! NO YOU DON’T! MY HUSBAND AND I get to raise OUR child. You are JUST a grandmother.
I’m from a city where a lot of women in my mom’s age group are the mother-figures for a lot of their grandchildren and I’m wondering if stories from other women has left my mother confused and not understanding that she doesn’t have to raise our child. It’s really frustrating to find a balance.
I’m sorry — I kind of vented all over your thread. lol
Post # 9
ohnatto: this is good advice.
Post # 10
missjewels: my in laws did with my permission. They came to let our dog out for us and stopped by the hospital to say hi since its right by our house. They asked first if it was ok and I said yes. I was 10cm and ready to push while they were there since I progressed so quickly. They went and got dinnetr and hung around. We told them they could wait but no guarantee I would be up for a visit after. They were cool with that. I did let them in the delivery room an hour after and they brought me food since the hosoital kept messing up my food! It didnt bother me since they arent overbearing and would hve been fine if we said no visits tonight.
I dont know your relationship with your mil but I think it’s sweet of her to offer to go to appts with you. Also, you can’t really control who camps out in the waiting room but you can control who sees you! Make sure the nurses know your wishes. Mine were great. When my in-laws came to the room, the nurses made sure to double check with me that they could come in, even though DH said it was ok.
I was lke you while pregnant and wanted no one there for 24 hours but how I felt cghanged completely once I was in the moment. i have great, beautiful memories of seeing them meet their first grandchild for the first time when she was just an hour old.
Post # 11
FI and I already have an understanding that no one is to know whenever I go into labour because I don’t want anyone waiting in the hospital. His family and friends are the type that would be all over us and the baby as soon as they see us, to me it would ruin our first moments as a family and chances are I won’t be in the mood to see just anyone.
For me too it is just the thought of if something goes wrong that I don’t want FI and I to be in the position of trying to deal with all of them while we are still dealing with it ourselves.
Post # 12
missjewels: Sadly this is a thing! My MIL is trying to do the same thing. But DH and I have come to the agreement that we will not be texting ANYONE other than my mom until I’m 6 cm and also not allowing anyone to visit until I’m settled and we have both had enough time with our son. So go ahead and wait but you’ll be waiting on our say so. Our son is the first grandchild for both sides of the family and due in 6 days.
Hoping you and your DH can come to an agreement and it goes over well. Good Luck!
Post # 13
I would just let her know you aren’t having anyone in the recovery room and you will be discharged after 3 days. (it’s 3 days from me, idk for you) so that seems like a long time to be waiting. They don’t let people in the nursery or anything at my hospital without the couple requesting. They even said we could lie and say no one was allowed if we wanted. I mean YOU control who is is the recovery room so if you say flat out you want recovery room to just be you and DH, idk, she can sit out there and drink flat coffee for days if she wants. Seems like you think that if she comes to the hospital she is automatically allowed in the room. And she isn’t. It really still is up to you. That being said my mom is coming in town around my due date and if I go into labor and she’s here she can come in (after the pushing and all that) assuming i’m up for it. I’m sure she’d make sure first. In fact she’s staying with me so depending on how fast things progress I might ask her to drive me to the hosptial.
Post # 14
My SO’s mom wanted to camp out in the waiting room and I was not having it. We are not close and I didn’t want to feel pressured to host her (or share my baby!) minutes after he was born.
It ended up that my SO brought her to see us the morning after he was born. I told him a 30 min visit and it was 90 min. I finally had to give her the boot bc she was parked. She also stuck her unwashed finger in my 22hr old baby’s mouth 🙁
Incidentally, MY family showed up the day of. I called my mom in a panic early in the morning because I was getting terrible care and my dad got really upset. So, they were there as I was in the recovery room (c section) and sat in my hospital room and held the baby while I puked my guts up and fell asleep periodically.
My advice is to 1. get on the same page as your husband. My SO agreed after a tour of the hospital and he saw the waiting room and it was super uncomfortable looking. 2. Don’t tell her you’re in labor. I know she’s excited but this is your experience, not hers.
Post # 15
My family has done this for all the babies. There’s always been a big group there during labor. It strikes me as odd that you wouldn’t want your MIL there until after the birth, but you can certainly have it that way.