Post # 1
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I went out to a nice dinner last night and unfortunately the night ended with me crying in bed all because the topic of when we both thought engagement should come.
He was making a joke about being psychic while we were at dinner and I asked him to use those skills and tell me when he saw us moving in together. He then responded July 2013….when his lease would end he if renewed it this July. This made me mad because in the past he made it sound like we would be living together this fall.
We also fought because I had said before that I wanted the next level of committment (engagement) by our 2nd year anniviersary which is Feb 2013. To him that sounds like an ultimatum and rushed because it will have only been 2 years. I see that amount of time and say TWO Years!?! That’s sooo long! haha The hard thing for me, which I did explain, is I feel like we both know we want the same thing so why wait. I feel like our lives are on hold in the dating phase. He said he wants to be able to give me all of the things I want and deserve in marriage, so he wants to wait to propose until he can give me those things. I understand this but I still ended up crying myself to sleep.
Anyone else have some not so pretty moments during the waiting phase?
Post # 3
@girlygirl885: oh yes. Many unpretty nights. but, 2 years is not an eternity. use this time for YOU. let him see that you are strong, and can be independant. plan a girls night. dress up really sexy. If you dont have a workout routine, start one. let him see you in sexy workout clothes. focus on bettering yourself. all in all BE HAPPY. especially around him. project positivity. surprise him with cooking, etc. keep your nails done, if you don’t already. start saving $ for something you’ve been longing for. start a blog, a hobby.
the point is, I started making him realize that he has the best girlfriend in the world, and once he realized that, we went ring shopping.
so many times while we women wait, we become kind of codependant, and make them the center of our universe.
This may not be helpful at all, but it’s helped me. and along the way- I’ve discovered really taking care of myself is sooo enjoyable. I’m actually enjoying the waiting- because I know it’s going to happen soon!
Post # 4
@Cupcakegurl: Thank you! Your reply is very helpful! I was really focused on finding me and making myself a priority prior to meeting my boyfriend so I think it’s time that I refocus my waiting energy to doing things for myself again.
Post # 5
I’ve had some not so pretty waiting moments, so I can relate. I definitely agree with trying to do things for yourself, not shunning your boyfriend or anything but just enjoying yourself, doing things that interest you, trying new hobbies, it’ll help pass the time, too.
2 years isn’t really that long but I know it feels like an eternity.
And spend time here on the Bee – it’s really fun and helpful!
Post # 6
Ha. Um YES. Thursday night I turned into a sobbing mess in the bathtub because I thought that would have been a prefect night to propose, then Friday night I once again had a meltdown because I didn’t want to go to a friends wedding shower Saturday without an engagement ring. Waiting brings out the CRAZY.
Post # 7
i agree with Cupcakegurl. My SO said he didn’t want to marry a girl who was always upset so I had to change that.
I started going to the gym, making an effort to stay out of my PJs every evening, treating him to nice little things, going to watch movies HE wants to watch even if they’re not my taste… basically everything i did in the beginning of the relationship when he first fell for me!
And it’s worked! We’re about to put a deposit down on our venue (long story) and he’s talking to me about rings and a trip to Paris this September!
A guy needs to be reminded how lucky he is, but also remember that being together 2 years isn’t really a reason to get engaged. feeling ready to enter marriage is the most important factor and if he hasn’t reached that point yet, give him time.
You’ve given him the timeline YOU expect. Have you talked about what HE wants from the relationship? Most men want a stable career or a deposit to buy a house before they’re willing to propose. it’s worth seeing it from his point of view, too.
Maybe the next stage in your relationship should be moving in together? That was our next stage. It was a big enough leap for me to know the relationship was moving forward, but enough for him to feel easy about it.
It’s also given us a long time to get used to living with each other. It took 6 months to get used to it at first, but even after 3 years living together we’re still finding ways of not irritating each other (although hearing my parents bicker about the best way to hang washing, this never gets solved!).
Talk to him, find out his expectations and thoughts about the whole thing, and then decide where to go from there. But don’t expect things in your head and then feel disappointed because he doesn’t fulfil your expectations.
Post # 8
The year may go by faster than you think. My SO and I are at the 2-year mark now. A year ago, I thought I would be so disappointed that it hadn’t happened yet. A lot can happen in a year- we had many ups and downs, and I was surprised at how not particularly ready I would feel if he were to ask me *right now.* My concern has always been that he wouldn’t ask at all- anyway, we set a timeline for a year from now. It will be our 3rd anniversary.
“He said he wants to be able to give me all of the things I want and deserve in marriage, so he wants to wait to propose until he can give me those things.”
This is my SO exactly right now. I know it’s hard to be patient, but it’s wonderful that he cares that much about working towards marriage! I know every relationship is different, but for me, I learned a lot in that second year. Our first year was all proverbial puppies and rainbows. The second year was all revealing flaws and arguments, and finding out if we were really a good match. Now, we’ve reached a point of comfort with each other and our respective idiosyncrasies, and I am so glad we did. I can’t imagine trying to navigate that part ot my relationship and plan a wedding.
As for my ‘ugly moment,’ things weren’t always as clear-cut and happy as mentioned above. The first time I attempted to establish even a loose timeline, he made it sound as though he didn’t want tomarry within the next decade. Needless to say, I took it badly, and prodded him a liltle further, which he took even worse. Actually, it was a far uglier moment on his part- it was the biggest nuclear meltdown hissy fit he’s ever pitched, and put me off of ever talking about timelines again.
Until recently, that is- but he had to beg me to tell him what my expectations were. So, we’ve talked about it happening a year from now, so I am content to sit and wait. No more apocalyptically bad waiting moments in the mean time. XD
Post # 9
I think i have had….3 crying moments? lol. One was terrible i basically put it ALL on the table. That was a month ago.
Now if it is brought up and he resists the topic like usual (because he wantsit to be a surprise and not feel preassured blah blah) i usually say “whatever” and leave the discussion. I’ve sort of become a little numb to it because i know i wont get anywhere asking him.
It definitely is important to spend your time focusing on yourself and being the best person you can be. You wont be happy in a relationship if you’re not happy completely with yourself. So i have been focusing on doing things i like and ignoreing the naked finger on my left hand lol. I would suggest the same for you. Good luck!
Post # 10
Shoot. I cry every other day sometimes. Worst of all, I’m terrible at keeping things to myself so my Boyfriend or Best Friend ALWAYS knows when I’m upset about not getting engaged. You are not alone!!
Post # 11
@treacle: I agree with that— whats exciting about spending time with a depressed person all the time?? that was totally me. I mean, I do have my moments- but I’m finding what makes me happy- and it IS really working.
I have no doubt it will work for the OP too!
Post # 13
@Cupcakegurl: Amen to this! Go back to school! Start taking enrichment classes for yourself! Anything to increase our self esteem and self worth. When a man knows how badly you want something, he is in control and will dangle that carrot as long as he can, lol!
Post # 14
Ahh it is so nice to see all of your responses. Another reason I love the Bee!
As painful as it was for us to have that conversation on Friday, we both said later on this weekend that it was good to have. Sometimes we both just need to say what we are thinking. He’s gotten really frustrated with me lately because we have A LOT of close friends getting married after relatively short dating periods and I have compared us to them, which he hates. I need to keep reminding myself that what we have is amazing and our time will come 🙂
I am sure I will have more moments of tears and frustration but at least I have an amazing community to turn too!
Post # 15
I have a good friend who has been with his Girlfriend for about 2.5 years….last 6 months or so she has been having meltdowns: crying at dinner, big events, etc. He said it embarrased him and broke his heart every time but did NOT influence him to propose or suggest moving in. ugh! He (my friend) clearly isn’t ready.
Now that I’m waiting, I try to remember a guy perspective. Hard though, and I had a mini-meltdown a few weeks ago. I don’t want to lose sight of what this is all about, but I dont’ think men understand that once we get the ring, we’ll totally calm down! 😉
Hang in there! Great advice about focusing on yourself for awhile, making plans with friends, etc.