Post # 1
My walk date was summer 2013. SO was incredibly upset when I packed my bags, even though I’d been telling him for over a year that was the longest I was willing to wait for a proposal. He begged me to give him until New Years because he was already making plans, so I did.
It’s now December and he hasn’t proposed. He also hasn’t bought a ring – I know this because he admitted he hadn’t bothered to save up for one, and he couldn’t buy it on credit because his card is aleady maxed out. If he was ‘already making plans’ in the summer I’d expect him to have the ring by now. He hasn’t scheduled a trip or even a special night out, there’s nothing on our calendar that screams Proposal Might Happen Here!
I told him I’d extend my deadline to the end of the year and would walk in January if he hadn’t proposed. I’ll be 35 on my next birthday and I don’t have time to waste on someone who isn’t planning to marry me and have a family. Now I don’t know if I should be making plans to move out in a few weeks time after the holidays, or whether to hope he will actually propose by New Years so I don’t have to walk. I hate that everything is up in the air, it’s ruining Christmas because I don’t know if I’ll still be with him in January. I’ve told him this but he just got annoyed and he didn’t give any hint that I shouldn’t be worried because he has the matter in hand. Last week he tried to book us a vacation for Easter next year, and he was really annoyed when I refused to book because I don’t know if we’ll still be together at Easter or whether I’ll have already left him in January. Again, he gave no hint that everything would be ok because he’s planning to propose, he was just annoyed because I was sticking to my guns about walking.
On a slightly more depressing note… I was already waiting for a long time before I found Weddingbee, and in a moment of boredom, I worked out that if I’d joined the waiting list when I actually started waiting, I’d now be up there at No.5 on the list. The fact that I’ve apparently been waiting longer than virtually every other waiting bee on this board has made me feel ridiculously depressed.
Post # 3
I’m sorry. Your situation stinks. It seems like he is taking full advantage of the fact that you keep moving your walk date back. I know it’s awful desciding whether you even want to marry someone who keeps making you wait, but that you ultimately do love. I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 4
You shouldn’t set a walk date unless you are willing to stick to it. If you had one set in the summer and didn’t abide by it, why should he think this time is any different?
I think you should give him until the end of the year, as planned, and if he doesn’t propose then walk.. for real this time. But honestly – if his credit is maxed out and he hasn’t been able to save, it sounds like he has some real financial management issues. I just want to be sure that you are aware of how this will affect you going forward, and if you two have discussed how you will manage finances after engagement? To me, this would be a red flag.
I’m sorry you are going through a rough time, I want to give you a big hug. I hope you find a way to enjoy the holiday season and I am wishing you the best of luck no matter how it works out.
Post # 5
@Fiberoptic: i’m not sure what to say about whether you should go or not – only you know if this is the relationship you should be in. i won’t comment on having a walk date, because only you know if that was the right decision for you.
but i do think your relationship is way past the ‘waiting’ thing. i mean – (and i mean this with no offense and in the nicest way possible) there is no surprising you. there isn’t. so what is the point now? if he wanted to surprise you, it should have been done ages ago, either before the first time you walked, or when he got the ’till nye’ timeline, october or something.
so i don’t even think it makes sense to be twiddling your thumbs till nye. i’d sit down and level with him, ‘you know what we’ve discussed, and it’s in 3 weeks that i will need to leave this relationship if you’re not ready to get married and have a family. i don’t care about a surprise proposal, i care if we’re on the same page’. and then talk it out. LOTS of people get engaged that way. and at 35, like you said, you don’t feel that you have time to be doodling in notebooks hoping he’ll propose. it sounds like you need to lay it on the line – this waiting thing doesn’t make sense with a walk date coming so soon.
Post # 6
@Fiberoptic: I’m sorry 🙁 kudos to you though for sticking to your guns. He knows you are serious so hopefully he will get a move on already! and if he is booking a trip, then he should be able to buy you a ring. vacations are expensive. i hope you get your proposal!
Post # 7
@Fiberoptic: Gah, I’m so sorry to see how you’re feeling and that you’ve been going through this. It sounds awful.
I’m glad to hear that you are “sticking to your guns,” and holding true to what is important to you (wanting to have a family). I can’t imagine the feeling of “what if I’m not with him that much longer” after christmas….Is it possible that he is misleading you at all about the money situation or not saving for one because he wants it to be a surprise? Just trying to be positive here.
How old is he? When you guys had the talk about the easter vacation, did he say anything – you said he didn’t make it sound like it would be okay, he just was annoyed with you for sticking to your guns.
I hope someone else can give you some helpful feedback. I would be feeling very similar to you if I were in your shoes. I wish I had more helpful advice!
Post # 8
@Fiberoptic: I can only comment on the financial situation because I have experience of this – and I hope it’ll make you feel a bit better. A few weeks before my FI proposed, he casually mentioned that he didn’t have any money so he couldn’t even afford xyz (I can’t remember what it was). I filed that info at the back of my mind, thinking he couldn’t afford to buy a ring so we weren’t getting engaged any time soon.
THEN a few weeks later he proposed! It turns out he’d been saving all along, and was trying to throw me off the scent.
This may be the case with your guy. So he MAY have bought the ring. I can’t comment on the rest of your story though. Try to relax. He knows you’ll walk in January, so the ball’s in his court now.
Post # 9
@Fiberoptic: OH no!!! I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.
Being 30+ and waiting can be really hard, I know from experience. Do you know why his card is maxed out? Are you sure it’s not coming by Dec 31?!?
Post # 10
Sorry to say, but I would start making plans to move out. So that way he knows you are serious. Because you’ve already moved your walk date before, he probably thinks you’ll give in again.
Post # 11
@Fiberoptic: I never set a walk date because I knew I wouldn’t go. I knew I loved FH and I knew I was going to spend my life with him. He kept me waiting 9 months longer than promised (8.5 years together before he proposed) and it was my 30th birthday. If it hadn’t happened then, I would have lost it (it was 10 days after my birthday and I was already upset enough about it).
After his 30th (which was the promised date) we had a long chat about what we wanted, WHY it was important to get married and why didn’t we just elope. We both wanted to be married, we both wanted children, we both wanted the wedding first. We also knew that we didn’t want to elope, we wanted a ‘proper’ wedding with our friends and family – which = money that we didn’t have yet.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your FI about what his intentions are, what yours are, and do they meet. Does he think you need a fancier ring than you do – do you care about the ring or the committment. Talking about your priorities (and why he doesn’t seem to be making this one of his) is probably a good place to start.
Post # 12
Yikes, what a tough situation to be in. I agree with the PP, I’d probably give him until the end of the year and if nothing happens, then I’d walk..for real this time. You did tell him he had until January or you’d walk. I agree that he is waiting until last minute but with Christmas and NYE coming up, who knows…maybe he DOES have something up his sleeve and he’s just trying to throw you off to surprise you.
I’m not trying to give you false hope, but more just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt? I think it comes down to the fact that if he wants you to be a part of his future, forever then he’ll find a way to make this happen.
And if he doesn’t have anything planned, then maybe he’s just hoping that you’ll extend your deadline again. Maybe he will try and use this upcoming Easter trip that he wanted to book as a “dangling carrot”
I’m sorry you’re going through this, especially during the holidays. Try and stay positive (easier said than done, I know) and just trust your gut. You need to take care of you and as hard as these big decisions may be, they’re sometimes very necessary.
We’re all here for you!
Post # 13
@fiberoptic I would definitely give him until New Years as that’s the deadline you gave him. Don’t you think he might be telling you his card is maxed out and yada yada yada maybe to throw you off? I would give him the benefit of the doubt, quit bringing it up and just try and enjoy the holiday season best you can. If 1/1 arrives and your finger is ringless, I’d walk too. Obviously this means a lot to you and you need someone who wants the same things you do. Good luck sweetie <3
Post # 14
I just wanted to say I’m sorry because I experienced a similar Christmas several years ago.
My ex and I had been in couples counseling to try to overcome his commitment issues, and our counselor gave him a deadline of the end of the year to make up his mind. I had figured out shortly after Thanksgiving that he wasn’t going to change, but I stuck it out to uphold my end of the bargain. I hadn’t told my family about our deadline, so we went through with Christmas as usual. New Years came and went with no mention of the deadline from him. I was sick with a terrible stomach virus over New Years, so I let it slide, but the next time I saw him I brought it up. We ended up ending things then because he couldn’t commit. He seemed surprised that I stuck to the deadline, even though he’d known about it for a long time.
That Christmas was really hard, since no one else knew. I was sitting there with his family thinking that it was the last holiday I would celebrate with them, and it broke my heart.
I don’t have anything to add other than you have to do what feels right to you. In my case, the trust issues and hurt feelings were too much to overcome after he broke the deadline. Even if things don’t work out with this guy, there is still hope. I ended up going on the first date with my now husband that next May.
Post # 15
Does he feel a lot of pressure to get an expensive ring? If that’s the case, why not give him the websites for some nice quality stimulants that would work for now? Upgrade later when you can?
Post # 16
His card is maxed out with expenses such as getting his car fixed, upgrading himself to a new computer, contributing to his dad’s 60th birthday party, etc. So I know for sure he can’t buy a ring on his card. He has plenty of disposable income, so it’s not that he can’t save for a ring, he just hasn’t. We had a huge argument earlier this year because he knew my walk date was approaching and it was obvious that he had no intention of proposing because he admitted he hadn’t even started saving for a ring.
I told him I’m over the whole ‘surprise proposal’ thing, if he wanted to surprise me he should have done it in the first couple of years of our relationship, long before I hit mid-30s and felt the need to set a walk date. He just gets annoyed and says he can’t win, because I’m past being able to appreciate any romantic gesture and my only reaction to a proposal will be ‘it’s about time.’ It’s true, I am annoyed with him for pushing me to this and not just proposing romantically on his own at the appropriate time, but it’s too late to change that. We’re both over 30 and I think the time for proposing has come and gone, and it has left a bitter taste in my mouth because he didn’t step up to the plate when he should have done.
He has said that one of the reasons he hasn’t proposed is because he can’t afford a nice ring, and I’ve told him it doesn’t matter, but he insists I’m lying because in my deepest heart I really do want a nice ring. Truthfully, I’d be offended if he spent less on a ring than he spent on his computer – not because I need a nice ring, but because I feel like if he can spend that amount of money on himself then he should be able to spend it on a ring for the woman he loves to wear for the rest of her life. It’s kind of offensive if his computer cost $3k and my ring cost $300. I think to a certain extent it’s also male pride because he doesn’t want to be the guy who is whispered about because he didn’t buy his fiancee a decent ring. But at the same time, the reason he can’t afford a decent ring is because he hasn’t bothered to save for one!
I know I have to wait until NYE because that’s what I promised when we had that big discussion on my original walk date. He begged me for more time and he seemed so sincere, promising me he was already planning to propose around the holidays. But I’ve seen no sign of a ring, a receipt, or an email indicating that he’s bought a ring or even just enquired about one (yes, I was so stressed about what was happening that I looked at his email to see if there was anything about rings that would ease my worries). It’s so hard for me to spend Christmas with his family and to see my family loving and accepting him as one of us, when I know we could be breaking up in a few weeks time. My mom is overly generous and I’ve had to tell her to hold back her spending on SO as I don’t know if he’ll still be my SO in January. I feel like I’m already avoiding his family because it’s starting to get painful. His sister was talking about booking tickets for us all to see a stage show in February, my stomach just sank and I left the room because I was going to cry, thinking that I might not even be part of their family by then. Christmas is going to be awful 🙁