Waiting is ruining Christmas :(

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’m sorry. Your situation stinks. It seems like he is taking full advantage of the fact that you keep moving your walk date back. I know it’s awful desciding whether you even want to marry someone who keeps making you wait, but that you ultimately do love. I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

You shouldn’t set a walk date unless you are willing to stick to it. If you had one set in the summer and didn’t abide by it, why should he think this time is any different?

I think you should give him until the end of the year, as planned, and if he doesn’t propose then walk.. for real this time. But honestly – if his credit is maxed out and he hasn’t been able to save, it sounds like he has some real financial management issues. I just want to be sure that you are aware of how this will affect you going forward, and if you two have discussed how you will manage finances after engagement? To me, this would be a red flag.

I’m sorry you are going through a rough time, I want to give you a big hug. I hope you find a way to enjoy the holiday season and I am wishing you the best of luck no matter how it works out.

Post # 5
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Fiberoptic:  i’m not sure what to say about whether you should go or not – only you know if this is the relationship you should be in. i won’t comment on having a walk date, because only you know if that was the right decision for you.

but i do think your relationship is way past the ‘waiting’ thing. i mean – (and i mean this with no offense and in the nicest way possible) there is no surprising you. there isn’t. so what is the point now? if he wanted to surprise you, it should have been done ages ago, either before the first time you walked, or when he got the ’till nye’ timeline, october or something. 

so i don’t even think it makes sense to be twiddling your thumbs till nye. i’d sit down and level with him, ‘you know what we’ve discussed, and it’s in 3 weeks that i will need to leave this relationship if you’re not ready to get married and have a family. i don’t care about a surprise proposal, i care if we’re on the same page’. and then talk it out. LOTS of people get engaged that way. and at 35, like you said, you don’t feel that you have time to be doodling in notebooks hoping he’ll propose. it sounds like you need to lay it on the line – this waiting thing doesn’t make sense with a walk date coming so soon.

Post # 6
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

@Fiberoptic:  I’m sorry 🙁 kudos to you though for sticking to your guns. He knows you are serious so hopefully he will get a move on already! and if he is booking a trip, then he should be able to buy you a ring. vacations are expensive. i hope you get your proposal!

Post # 7
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Fiberoptic:  Gah, I’m so sorry to see how you’re feeling and that you’ve been going through this. It sounds awful.

I’m glad to hear that you are “sticking to your guns,” and holding true to what is important to you (wanting to have a family). I can’t imagine the feeling of “what if I’m not with him that much longer” after christmas….Is it possible that he is misleading you at all about the money situation or not saving for one because he wants it to be a surprise? Just trying to be positive here.

How old is he? When you guys had the talk about the easter vacation, did he say anything – you said he didn’t make it sound like it would be okay, he just was annoyed with you for sticking to your guns.

I hope someone else can give you some helpful feedback. I would be feeling very similar to you if I were in your shoes. I wish I had more helpful advice!

Post # 8
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Fiberoptic:  I can only comment on the financial situation because I have experience of this – and I hope it’ll make you feel a bit better. A few weeks before my FI proposed, he casually mentioned that he didn’t have any money so he couldn’t even afford xyz (I can’t remember what it was). I filed that info at the back of my mind, thinking he couldn’t afford to buy a ring so we weren’t getting engaged any time soon.

THEN a few weeks later he proposed! It turns out he’d been saving all along, and was trying to throw me off the scent.

This may be the case with your guy. So he MAY have bought the ring. I can’t comment on the rest of your story though. Try to relax. He knows you’ll walk in January, so the ball’s in his court now.

Post # 9
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Fiberoptic:  OH no!!!  I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.

Being 30+ and waiting can be really hard, I know from experience.  Do you know why his card is maxed out?  Are you sure it’s not coming by Dec 31?!?

Post # 10
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry to say, but I would start making plans to move out. So that way he knows you are serious. Because you’ve already moved your walk date before, he probably thinks you’ll give in again.

Post # 11
Hostess
9910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Fiberoptic:  I never set a walk date because I knew I wouldn’t go.  I knew I loved FH and I knew I was going to spend my life with him.  He kept me waiting 9 months longer than promised (8.5 years together before he proposed) and it was my 30th birthday.  If it hadn’t happened then, I would have lost it (it was 10 days after my birthday and I was already upset enough about it).

After his 30th (which was the promised date) we had a long chat about what we wanted, WHY it was important to get married and why didn’t we just elope.  We both wanted to be married, we both wanted children, we both wanted the wedding first.  We also knew that we didn’t want to elope, we wanted a ‘proper’ wedding with our friends and family – which = money that we didn’t have yet.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your FI about what his intentions are, what yours are, and do they meet.  Does he think you need a fancier ring than you do – do you care about the ring or the committment.  Talking about your priorities (and why he doesn’t seem to be making this one of his) is probably a good place to start.

Post # 12
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Fiberoptic:  

Yikes, what a tough situation to be in. I agree with the PP, I’d probably give him until the end of the year and if nothing happens, then I’d walk..for real this time. You did tell him he had until January or you’d walk. I agree that he is waiting until last minute but with Christmas and NYE coming up, who knows…maybe he DOES have something up his sleeve and he’s just trying to throw you off to surprise you.

I’m not trying to give you false hope, but more just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt? I think it comes down to the fact that if he wants you to be a part of his future, forever then he’ll find a way to make this happen.

And if he doesn’t have anything planned, then maybe he’s just hoping that you’ll extend your deadline again. Maybe he will try and use this upcoming Easter trip that he wanted to book as a “dangling carrot”

I’m sorry you’re going through this, especially during the holidays. Try and stay positive (easier said than done, I know) and just trust your gut. You need to take care of you and as hard as these big decisions may be, they’re sometimes very necessary.

We’re all here for you!

Post # 13
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@fiberoptic  I would definitely give him until New Years as that’s the deadline you gave him. Don’t you think he might be telling you his card is maxed out and yada yada yada maybe to throw you off? I would give him the benefit of the doubt, quit bringing it up and just try and enjoy the holiday season best you can. If 1/1 arrives and your finger is ringless, I’d walk too. Obviously this means a lot to you and you need someone who wants the same things you do. Good luck sweetie <3

Post # 14
Member
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I just wanted to say I’m sorry because I experienced a similar Christmas several years ago.

My ex and I had been in couples counseling to try to overcome his commitment issues, and our counselor gave him a deadline of the end of the year to make up his mind. I had figured out shortly after Thanksgiving that he wasn’t going to change, but I stuck it out to uphold my end of the bargain. I hadn’t told my family about our deadline, so we went through with Christmas as usual. New Years came and went with no mention of the deadline from him. I was sick with a terrible stomach virus over New Years, so I let it slide, but the next time I saw him I brought it up. We ended up ending things then because he couldn’t commit. He seemed surprised that I stuck to the deadline, even though he’d known about it for a long time.

That Christmas was really hard, since no one else knew. I was sitting there with his family thinking that it was the last holiday I would celebrate with them, and it broke my heart.

I don’t have anything to add other than you have to do what feels right to you. In my case, the trust issues and hurt feelings were too much to overcome after he broke the deadline. Even if things don’t work out with this guy, there is still hope. I ended up going on the first date with my now husband that next May. 

Post # 15
Member
795 posts
Busy bee

Does he feel a lot of pressure to get an expensive ring? If that’s the case, why not give him the websites for some nice quality stimulants that would work for now? Upgrade later when you can? 

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