Post # 1
My bf and I have finally started talking about moving in together after three and a half years of being together.I’m 28 and he is 31. I also suspect that he is thinking of proposing some time in the next year.
He left this morning to go back to the Midwest for a close friends wedding. The couple is the same age as us and they’ve been together less time than we have and they are getting married. I feel like so many people I know right now have just gotten married or engaged and it’s driving me nuts. I couldn’t even look at my boyfriend I just got so mad.
I wish we had talked it out more, I just went to bed because I couldn’t deal with it. He hasn’t even bothered to call me back or text back. He doesn’t even know why I’m mad and probably thinks I’m being irrational.
I know I’m being crazy, but I just get to resentful sometimes. I just want to move forward, and he says we will but I’m so over waiting. Anyone ever feel like this? Maybe he doesn’t want to move in with me or get married and I should just move on… He is sick of talking to me about it and I don’t know how to move forward.
Post # 3
You have to talk calmly about it. I don’t know how you’ve been approaching the subject, but its important to have calm conversations where you listen to him about what he wants, and express what you want.
Post # 4
Sweetie, I dont mean to be rude but why are you waiting? Go enjoy your life it seems you have put your life on hold to wait for a proposal. You are at the age where there should be traveling and enjoy being the age you are with no children and freedom. Freedom does not mean you dont have a BF it just means there are experience you have before you get married. For example memories of taking a vacation with your friends from college or high school. If and when a man is ready to get married the devil in hell cant stop him. They will give you a date and if you make a suggestion they will make it sooner than later.
Post # 5
Try not to worry. I know how frustrating it can be. I was definitely there- I was resentful and frustrated a lot of the time while I was “waiting”. Often my FI wouldn’t know why i was angry and it just made him also frustrated.
But I realized that things got way better when I was able to communicate to him what was frustrating me. I told him openly about why so-and-so’s engagement bothers me, etc. It really helped.
It also helped me to try and focus on other things than waiting for the proposal. Try focusing on something else, like read a good book or have a hobby or talk with your friends, etc.
The best advice I could give is to try not to make your boyfriend the bad guy. Try and be on the same page. You are a team!
Post # 6
@niasg1: —> THIS
IF you haven’t… You have to communicate to him your LIFE PLAN** (timeline) and what you would like to happen aproximately WHEN in that life… if you’ve done that… then you’ve done your bit.
From that point on you have 3 choices…
1- Wait around as the time slips by until he is ready* (or you get fed up and leave)
2- Go out there, and live your life and enjoy it for what it is NOW both with him in it, and with other activities that you yourself undertake (again ultimately he’ll see you for the Amazing Gal you are… or you’ll meet someone else and move on without him)
3- Or Break Up and Move On NOW and decide that in your next relationship you won’t be a Waiting Bee… but be more clear upfront looking for a man that fits your LIFE PLAN (and CURRENT timeline)
* And niasg1: is right WHEN a man LOVES a woman and wants to be with her, he will move heaven & earth to make it happen… and it usually surprises us gals, because they become so set on making it a priority that happens ASAP… kind of incredible how that happens, but it seems to be their realization that YOU ARE AMAZING, and they don’t want in anyway risk losing you to someone else.
Hope this helps,
** LIFE PLAN – Moving in together is an ideal time to discuss your timeline… there are many gals who choose not to move in together until there is an Engagement Ring… or some other idea of WHEN one would be forth-coming. Truly this conversation is not unreasonable (and not an ultimatium… as what you are doing is expressing YOUR NEEDS & VALUES / LIFE PLAN)
Good Luck !!
Post # 7
sunitagt I know you’re right. I do have to be more calm about it, and generally I really am. Freaking out isn’t going to help me and I know that. Sometimes I’m just in my head too much and I just get overwhelmed.
niasg1 I don’t feel like I am putting my life on hold. I’ve never put my life on hold for him. I traveled in Europe for two weeks by myself this summer without him. I’m taking certificate classes to further my career so I don’t see him two nights a week. I have tons of girlfriends I see on a regular basis. I just feel like I’d at least like to live with him or know this is going somewhere. You’re right though, when he is ready he will be ready.
sommertime you’re right I shouldn’t make him the bad guy. I should just calmly be open with him about what is bothering me.
Thanks for your advice everyone.
Post # 8
I went through this too. My fiance (yes, he did finally propose!) and I dated for 6 and a half years before he proposed. And I had friends get married…and have babies…and they hadn’t been together nearly as long as we had. It really is very upsetting and it is hard not to get grumpy about it.
I agree with sunitagt…have calm conversations and listen to his side. It turned out that my fiance was every bit as upset about our mis-match in timing as I was, but there wasn’t that much he could do about it either (other than marry me when he wasn’t ready to do it). It just took a lot of conversations between the two of us to work through emotions on both sides. And we talked a lot about marriage and what it should be/shouldn’t be, and I think that helped him feel ready to take it on!
In the end, though, he was worth waiting on. And you know what? When he proposed, he was excited about it. And he has been excited about it ever since. There are three weeks until our wedding and he is getting sweeter and more excited every day!
Of course, you know your boyfriend and your relationship better than anyone, so in the end, you’re the only one who can determine if this is an issue of him not really wanting to move forward or him just being a slow poke (so helpful, I know!). But please know that lots of people go through the same thing! You’re not alone!
Post # 9
@waitinginSF: I am glad you have a full life I am extremely proud of you. If I may say do not move in with him why because men get lazy if they know there is no possibility of losing you (living together). Dont get me wrong I totally understand I have a niece who is the same age as you and she has been with her BF for 5 years and they dont live together. I know they will get married some day but neither are ready right now. He has said she is the only woman he will marry when that time comes. Just dont move in PLEASE you will thank me later.
Post # 10
Remember, everyone is on their own timeline. Getting engaged is not a competition!!! Try to talk to him about your feelings, but remember being resentul is not productive….chin up girl 🙂 As much as I HATE this phrase, your time will come 🙂
Post # 11
@niasg1: You are at the age where there should be traveling and enjoy being the age you are with no children and freedom. Freedom does not mean you dont have a BF it just means there are experience you have before you get married.
So true! PLEASE go enjoy this time. I’m 31 and we have a 1yr old daughter. I enjoyed the hell out of my 20s and did all the fun stuff so I am indeed ready now. Go on a fun vacation where you only have to pay for yourself! Go to the spa when you want to! You can hop up and go on a whim now, enjoy it girl! I know you said you do, but honey, REALLY enjoy it. I lvoe our daughter to death, but going to the spa now consists of making plans beforehand, not “Oh, I’m off to the spa tomorrow.”LOL
Post # 12
TO – MsMamaBear: Re – Spa
Lol, you get to go to the spa ???
When I was in my early 20s, when I was first married and before children, I was very much a “career woman”… and spent my lunch hours out of the office shopping for clothes or things for our newlywed nest. I spent my afterwork hours pampering myself at the hair dressers, spa or drinks with GFs. Fiance / Husband and I spent our Weekends exploring our city, travelling or entertaining friends.
After the kids arrived, it was a challenge to carve out much in the way of “me time”, let alone find the bucks for luxuries. To “balance the books” there were no spa visits, fewer drinks with GFs and my expensive “streaks” in my fashionable haircut, were now achieved at home out of a box from the Drugstore.
Honestly, I didn’t see the inside of a Spa again until almost 20 years later, when for my 40th Birthday, my Hubby and my now working Teenagers put together a Gift Certificate so I could have a WHOLE DAY being pampered.
Now that I am in my 50s and the nest is empty… I can indulge in such things more often (trips to the Hair Dressers – Nail Salon – Spa for a Massage – Lunch or Brunch with GFs). Lol my 50s are looking a lot like my early 20s. Just me and my “now” guy, enjoying life (exploring our city’s culture – travelling – and entertaining).
That is until the Grand-Kiddies come along… then I have a hunch, we’ll be focussing less on ourselves, and more on them (as it should be). Life is a circle.
BUT you are sooo right, the OP needs to really savour this time in her life… it goes by far too fast !!
Post # 13
I know these feelings all too well… It’s so hard to ‘fake’ it.