Post # 1
So ladies I’m a little sad right now and I need to hold it together for my SO. I came home to bad news that several people were laid off at his job today, including him. He seems to be taking it well. I know that he was getting tired of the job especially since we worked opposite shifts (I work days, he work nights). So we never really got to see each other besides the weekends.
We’ve been together 3 1/2 years and have lived together for two years. I set myself a NYE deadline a few months back because we went ring shopping twice and simply I’m sick of waiting. I figured we should be engaged at the very least by the New Year then we had both agreed on a DW next Summer. Now I definitely don’t think that will happen. Unless he already has the ring and plans on proposing within the next 3 days (which I doubt).
Now I’m stuck. I don’t want to kick him while he’s down. Although I didn’t necessarily plan to put him out there were going to be several changes on how I approached the relationship starting 1-1-11. Us spending more time apart (specifically weekends, etc) to get him to realize that I don’t have to be here and not to take me for granted. Showing him that he needs to get his butt into gear and pop the question. I’m ready to move forward with our lives. Have a baby, purchase a house, etc. Yet I feel like we’re at a stand still (read my post “Torn”) and this waiting has been killing me more and more as time progresses. Especially as the new year approaches and the time winds down for our tenative wedding date (less than 6 months away).
I know he’s in a tough place right now and I want to be there for him. Other than unemployment he won’t have income. So I’ll be covering majority of the bills. This means no money or thoughts of an engagement ring. I know we’ve picked rings but I’m not sure if he even put any on layaway yet. Which makes me resent him a little bit. I don’t want to be selfish but that’s how I feel. My bday was two months ago and then Christmas just past and the money spent on both of those I felt should have been put towards the ring and could have knocked off a little bit.
I don’t know what to do ladies. I’m forced to go against my deadline due to circumstances and it hurts. As I feel the proposal, engagement, and wedding will be pushed back extremely unless he’s able to find a job quickly. I’m lost for words. Please help. Thank you for letting me vent.
Post # 3
I know it sucks but he needs your love, support and understanding right now. I stood by my SO’s side during a bankruptcy and layoff and it fricken killed me (I had a moving in timeline set and I had to push it back…) Men have so much pride when it comes to their jobs and their money but honestly, just being strong and supportive and taking the pressure off him until he gets stable again will pay divendends to you, I promise.
Post # 4
First off, I’m sorry your BF got laid off. That really, really sucks. And, I hope you don’t take offense to what I’m going to post. I am not saying any of this to be mean or snarky.
Second, you don’t need to have a ring to get engaged, you know. And, if you tell your BF that he doesn’t need a ring to propose, maybe you will get the proposal you desire. Unless it’s the ring you want? Because you talk a lot about the ring, shopping for it twice, not putting it on layway, etc.
Third, there are going to be a lot of things that you’re going to be “forced” to go against and/or set aside in life/marriage due to a variety of reasons (financial and otherwise). You might have to set aside some purchase because the hot water heater/refrigerator/washer/dryer/oven broke and you need to repair that and not get the *insert item here* that you really wanted. It will suck but you have to put needs over wants every time.
Fourth, you feel that the money spent on your bday and Christmas gifts should’ve been spent on a ring. Did you tell your BF that before he bought you gifts? Did you ask him to take the gifts back and use the money towards a ring? If not, it’s reallly not fair to hold it against him that he didn’t.
Finally, if you’re going to be saddled with the majority of the bills, will you have enough to have the wedding of your dreams? Because if you don’t, you’ll have to postpone your “dream date” anwyay. Are you in a position (w/o his income) to purchase a house and have a baby in your timeline? Because that might need to be set aside until he gets a job. (Good example of having to set aside wants).
I don’t know. It sounds like you two had issues before this came up. Maybe this will be the test that you need?
Post # 5
Awww honey I am so sorry- the number one this for a man is to be able to provide so with this loss of income, engagement may not even be CLOSE to his mind frame right now. I understand how you feel but due to him loosing his job, do you think it is 100% possible to keep all of the timelines without major effect to your bills.
I normally don’t advise this to women, but unemployment is such a major factor with men that it is a lose/lose situation if you try to go against it and keep everything the same. Is it possible for you to stretch out the wait a little longer and possibly even HELP him look for a job or pretty up his resume?
I completely agree with you- if men didn’t take their slow time, you would have been engaged BEFORE stuff like this happens. Stuff like this unfortunately lengthens the wait time because this is beyond his control but now you are paying for it and it isn’t fair. But like I said before, men aren’t programmed to think about love in a time of crisis- his main priority right now is getting a job.
*hugs* I am here if you want to vent =(
Post # 6
I’m sorry all of this happened…My FI is an professional poker player, so trust me when I say, i know how it feels to have a good and stable income, and then have it taken away (some months he wins..others not so much…). He really needs your support right now, so try to give it to him.
I don’t think he’s taking you for granted—-life happens. You can plan and plan and plan..but sometimes other things take priority. As his girlfriend, and hopefully future wife, you’ve gotta roll with the punches and be able to be flexible and supportive, otherwise the stress will kill the relationship!
Also, no offense, but if you were planning on inviting a lot of people or even a medium amount of people to your DW, 6 months is kind of short notice in my eyes.
Best of luck!
Post # 7
@allee2388: I think maybe she means summer 2012? If I was talking about the upcoming summer (2011) I would say this summer, next summer would be 2012.
To the OP…
It really sucks that your SO got laid off. That is really hard to deal with and I can understand how you are discouraged in the waiting department. I hope he gets a new job soon. You might want to consider getting engaged without a ring and starting to plan your wedding anyways, but I know that might be hard when you can’t nail down a budget etc.
Post # 8
In her other post “Torn”, she stated:
We initially discussed getting married next Summer (2011) and that’s what I really want (there are so many reasons why that’s the best time otherwise we would have to wait almost another year which would cut into baby making, etc.)
This was written just a few days ago, so I think she’s still hoping for 2011, though I could be wrong! 🙂
Post # 9
@allee2388:Ahhh I didn’t see her other post. In that case, it really is pretty soon!
I take back what I said about starting to plan the wedding already then…that would be difficult and I’m sure you would have to put down deposits etc. right now for a summer 2011 wedding.
Post # 10
First off, let me say how sorry I am your FI got laid off from his job. I’ve been there; it sucks, it hurts, it’s frustrating. Really awful, especially if it was unexpected.
Second… Deadlines, like rules, are meant to be broken. What do you consider more important? Your plans or your relationship? You have in front of you an opportunity to support your honey in every way you can. Life is going to be like that. You’re gonna have layoffs and financial issues and dreams that don’t come to fruition. That’s the hard part – being there for each other through all of that, and relishing that you CAN support him when he’s down, like he can support you when you’re down. That’s a teeter-totter you’re going to have to get used to balancing.
I have reread your post several times and I keep coming back to “I set myself a deadline…” Was he on board for your deadline? Really, truly, 100%? Because honestly, this seems like it really comes down to uncommunicated and therefore unmet expectations. Have an honest and non-confrontational talk with your honey about your hopes, dreams, and plans for engagement and wedding. See if you can start to plan a wedding, and pick up the ring later. Or hell, if you’re the breadwinner, why don’t you help buy the ring?
All I am saying is be mindful of what’s more important to you – your relationship or a proposal. Then act accordingly. You may find that by forgoing your immediate wants, you get what you’re looking for in the end – a solid and healthy relationship built upon the mutual abilities and desires of both individuals.
Post # 11
I’m sorry your SO got laid off. Can he find a small little job to help? My SO got laid off last yr and has been woring another job with Delta. It doesn’t pay as much as his old one and the hours suck, but it’s not too bad.
I don’t think you should leave him right now. Just give it some more time. He’s having a hard time with income and I’m sure it’s a blow to his ego.
I hope everything works out.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry your SO lost his job. Networking is the key to finding a job these days. It’s not what you know, but who you know. Tell your SO to get a letter of recommendation from his last job and to start putting the word out that he is looking for a job.
Since you two live together I would really sit down with your SO and discuss how his unemployment is going to effect the living situation and relationship. This will give you both time to really talk about the relationship and the commitment you have towards one another. Talk about everything, the ring, wedding, expectations, finances and really plan out how things are going to function over the next year. I really hope things get better for the two of you.
Post # 13
And just from my own experience- you may want to talk to him now about the expectations you have since he is currently unemployed. My SO and I were living together while he was unemployed and it eventually strained our relationship, especially since there was no engagement talks AT ALL as that was something he didn’t even want to think about.
I personally believe that his main priority is looking for a job and maintaining the house while you are gone to keep the resentment down some. According to the roles of society (not saying your guy is this way, just something to keep in mind) your SO may not pick up in the area of domestic affairs i.e. CLEANING. It may not CLICK to him that “Hey I am not working so since I have the free time, I need to help out more with the household chores.” He may continue to expect you to do the same amount that you were doing before AND work AND pay the majority of the bills.
This is going to be a HARD conversation to have but I would rather you have it sooner than later. I never had that talk with my SO and it caused A LOT of issues between us, so much so I sent my SO packing BACK to his mom. I was NOT going to take care of a grown man, while I was pregnant myself, working and trying to take care of a 10 year old with no talks of engagement. My SO finally figured out that even though he lost his job, he couldn’t lose his mind in the process and he had to man up and help out, if not financially then domestically.
Post # 14
@BanditGirl: It was his idea to take me shopping. Plus both of our families have heirlooms (they have both been passed on already) so the ring is an important factor. I’ve always been taught by the women my family that the ring is a “symbol”. It shows that man’s dedication and commitment to you and to your future children. It is his promise to take care of you and the family the two of you share. I’m not being materialistic when mentioning the ring. I figured I would get a little flack for it but it is important to me. It doesn’t have to be extravagant but I need that symbol. Otherwise for me the engagement or marriage won’t feel real. I feel awkward when I see married couples not wearing rings. But to each their own. That’s my take and position on that. He agrees.
I totally agree with the needs over wants thing. In regards to the bday/christmas gifts I didn’t tell him that until after. I didn’t want him to feel that I was telling him what to do or pressuring him because that’s not my intent. Regarding the wedding I was going to be paying the majority of that anyway because I make more money than he does (I’ve already started saving). We should be okay with the bills even with him being unemployed just have to cut back on luxuries. But as I pay most of the bills now anyway so it won’t be much of a difference.
@armychica06: Thank you so much. I’ll keep that in mind. You may get a PM from me. I always like your advice.
@allee2388: The DW was going to be about 20-30 close family and friends. I was hoping he did give me at least 6 months but it didn’t turn out that way. He doesn’t understand you have to give people time. We’re paying for our parents of course. And I’m not the “center of attention” type girl. I know the economy is bad so I’m not expecting everyone or anyone to be there for that matter. I want small and intimate. We wanted to do a reception when we returned home.
@MademoiselleL: I’ve actually done a lot of preplanning. If he propsed today I could have save the dates mailed (pending receipt of some addresses), a website up, and deposit paid literally in two weeks. I’ve researched everything already. Just a matter of getting the ball rolling I guess. And I don’t feel comfortable with doing that without a proper engagement/proposal (that’s just me).
@feministbride: I didn’t tell him my deadline initially but he figured it out. He didn’t agree with it 100% no but he had no choice but to understand. Waiting has been very stressful for me. Life is too short and tomorrow isn’t promised. I feel like you live everyday like it’s your last. If someone is taken away from you today would have any regrets? If so do what you need to do while they’re here. Don’t take them for granted. I started to anaylze life earlier this year and that’s when my waiting began. My grandfather (who is like my father and was only in his 60’s) passed away in February. I’ve always dreamed of him walking me down the isle and now he won’t even see me get married.
I am the breadwinner actually. But my SO is TOTALLY opposed to me purchasing the ring or even paying a portion of it. He only let me go ring browsing with him to see my style in rings. He feels like that’s for the man to do. Which although I agree I did still offer. He wants to surprise me and have that moment for me to remember forever. So I fully understand that.
@armychica06: I guess I’m also afraid that the ‘engagement’ talks will cease to exist due to the situation. And like you said with your situation maybe he won’t want to think or talk about it. I don’t want to put more stress on him that he already has and I feel like if I do bring up a conversation about our future/engagement/wedding that would only add to his stress.
Post # 15
Considering how long you have been together and the fact that you live together, I feel that you should be able to talk about things openly and discuss some sort of a timeline. The fact that he has been laid off shouldnt have that much impact on your ability to talk about things. I agree with bandit girl that you dont need a ring to get engaged, you should be able to bring it up and be honest about how you feel. You can get married in a civil ceremony that wont cost much.
Post # 16
I think showing him how incredibly unselfish and supportive you can be during tough times will get you to the altar a lot faster than much else.