- 6 years ago
Hi, I just had to write…
I’ve been w/my bf unofficially since Memorial Day 2010, officially since August of 2010. He said in June of 2011 that he wanted us to get engaged the end of the summer 2011, but that he needed to see more of what “the day to day” would look like. (We have a distance factor.) I was right there with him-I knew I wanted to marry him, but I needed to see more of what the day to day would look like, too. I was “ready” to get engaged at the end of the summer.
The end of the summer came and went, no engagement. I was devastated. I asked him about it late last year, and he said that he thought he’d be comfortable enough w/ the relationship by that time to be engaged, but that he wasn’t, but that it was till his desire to marry me. I was just devastated. I’d gotten so excited…and then SMASH.
He says that he doesn’t have any misgivings about me and that his desire is to marry me. He is still “checked in” to our relationship.
I gave him a few months to get more comfortable with things; we revamped our dating arrangement so that we could spend more time together. We only see each other on the weekends, and he had been staying @ hotels when he came to see me. Now he stays in my guest room. He says that having more time together is helping him get more comfortable.
We have plans for me to stay at his house in his guestroom for chunks of time. He has also agreed that we should talk about our future and when things will happen.
After the new year, I cried every day for the engagement that wasn’t. About mid-March, something happened…I stopped crying. Now I just feel numb. I am wondering if I am becoming indifferent.
I’m so torn…I’m 35 and want multiple children. I think he’s had plenty of time to get it together…at the same time, we do have a distance factor, and I haven’t spent chunks of time @ his house….but still…we’re going on 2 years…and I’m 35.
I guess I’ll stay up in his guest room a few times, like for a week at a time or so, and then see if he does anything. If he doesn’t, then I think he’s being unreasonable, and I can’t work with that.
I just fear the creeping indifference I’m starting to feel…I can’t sustain that level of pre-engagement excitement all this time…too emotionally exhausting, and now I’m sad that I won’t enjoy it when he finally does it. I have hurt feelings…doesn’t he *want* me??? He knows I feel this way and has tried to be reassuring. I don’t feel hurt anymore…just kind of a shoulder shrug…whatever.
I guess I don’t mind waiting for him…but the biological clock…and I fear the creeping indifference…I don’t want it to take over and then not end up being able to take a ring.
Thanks so much for reading. I know I’ve been rambling.