waiting, mortgage, kids, marriage and out of hope

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6510 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You are not selfish. I think it makes a lot of sense to sit down and discuss your future and your thoughts about kids before building/buying a house together. Have you guys talked about marriage or kids before?

Post # 5
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lucy_smith:  I don’t think you are selfish, but I do wonder why the big rush. You are young…so is he. Very young. I didn’t even begin to have an idea who I really was until about age 27 or 28. Don’t be so quick to move onto the next parts of your life because they will happen on their own faster than you can imagine, in the blink of an eye almost, and one day you will look back and wonder where your 20’s went.

Post # 6
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@lucy_smith:  you’re not whining (unless you’re doing ‘babyyyyyyy whyyyy aren’t we engagedddddd?’ haha) you’re being smart. 

buying a house is a massive financial decision that can impact everything. it’s an adult thing to do to sit down and be honest about your expectations, what will be put on the back burner (a ring?) due to this financial committment and how you both feel about that. 

you should definitely be in agreement of what your shared future goals are before you commit to buying or building a house with someone, no matter how long you’ve been together.

Post # 7
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

I would not buy a house without a ring and a set wedding date (and even then I’d be hesitant until after the wedding).  Honestly, buying a house with someone who isn’t ready to get married to you is a terrible idea.  A house is a major financial commitment, and it can really blow up in your face if the relationship doesn’t work out.  At least, when you are married and own joint real estate, there are some protections for both spouses.   

You are being wise to talk about this.  It is not selfish out all.   

Post # 9
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Ninteenthchance:  A ring really doesn’t mean much though, does it? A man can propose and give you a beautiful ring and still split without much loss.

 

Post # 10
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@PermaStudent:  my thinking is that if he is willing to drop a couple grand on a ring for me then he’s serious about staying together. It’s not that hard to get divorced either.

Post # 11
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

22 is young but you’re smart to not want to buy a house with a guy who’s made no actual comittment to you.  I didn’t fully move in with my husband until the week before our wedding (and even then had to go back for a few things afterwards).  Why should I assume all the risk?  You guys could put a house in both your names, but if you split – then what?  Whoever leaves (and that’s usually not the one “in the wrong”) is left with basically nothing but a bill for half a house.  Or the other way – he leaves and you’re left with a house and no one to split the payments with. 

There are lots of logical, mature ways to deal with owning a house and living together before you’re married.  A cohabitation agreement is a good idea to start.  Maybe one of you could own it, and one of you could pay some of the bills in return for no equity if you split.  Or pay rent in return for some return of equity if you split.  Those are options to present him with if he’s not ready to get married before you build.  My husband owns our house, which is fine with me. 

My guess is if he hasn’t brough it up he’s focused on the house, and that’s where all his money and attention is going to go.  Do you want something like a proposal in a year?  Proposal before you buy/move?  Married before you sign?  I don’t know many guys who won’t tell you “We need to live together for a while, but we’ll be engaged after a year or two of living together.”  That’s not a timeline. 

Post # 12
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Ninteenthchance:  It’s a hell of a lot harder to get divorced than it is to break off an engagement.

Post # 13
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@PermaStudent:  it’s harder, but it’s not that hard when you don’t have kids. If SO and I were engaged, I would buy a house with him because we are in agreement that engagement = together forever. I guess it depends how you look at it. I would buy a house with my SO if we were only engaged, because I trust him

Post # 14
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Ninteenthchance:  THIS!!

From one woman to another, do not tie yourself into a financial commitment if he can’t even make an emotional commitment. Sorry to say but buying a home with him will make it to easy for him-he needs an impetus to commit. If you are not comfortable with this next step, and it sounds like you aren’t, listen to your gut and don’t do it!

Post # 15
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Ninteenthchance:  I’m definitely not saying that it’s wrong or naive to do that; heck, FI and and I bought a house together before we got engaged. I’m just saying that a person is only as good as their word, and a ring doesn’t do anything to change that.

Post # 16
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@lucy_smith:  I think that is so smart. I would not want to buy a house (let alone build!) with someone who has not committed to getting married to me – that’s a huge committment to have with someone you are not even engaged to. It’s not selfish, it’s smart.

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