Post # 1
* Back story*
My SO and I have been together for over five years. However, we have waited this long before getting engaged/married because we started dating at 15.
When we were 17 we had the discussion of “do we want to get married someday”. We both agreed we do, but knew we were too young and not in the right place to plan a wedding. So we chatted about weddings, when a good time would be to get married. We picked the perfect day (a day our anniversary fell on a Saturday in the future) that seemed completely doable in our minds. (We would be older, we would have money/jobs etc.)
Now that day is a little over a year away. We still want to get married, we’re still very much in love, we have jobs, and we have the money. To top it all off he has bought the ring and it’s hidden away.
SO decided to talk to his parents about proposing to me before he actually did it. They told him he is not ready. After asking what would happen if he did it anyway, they stated they would not support it/not be happy about it.
He decided to tell me this yesterday as he knew I was getting my hopes up that a proposal was coming soon. We both want his parents support on this. (Not financially, but emotionally you know?) We want this to be happy occasion, not one that could make people angry/split families apart or anything like that.
We both don’t know what to do, I feel absolutely crushed that his family isn’t supportive of it. We could do it anyway, and possibly ruin the happiness of the wedding/family/life in general. We could wait a few more years and be together a total of 10 or more years as boyfriend and girlfriend until his family might be supportive which means we miss our dream day that means the world to us. Or I suppose there is the middle ground of trying to have a conversation with them about it and try to find out why and how/if we can change their minds.
Any support or advice would be appreciated.
Post # 3
@Shoe: i say DO NOT let them influince your decision. it is yours and his life! i get really urked when family members make things difficult for their loved ones. in my opinion, he didn’t even need to ask them. he is a man and can make his own decision in this matter. and, already having the ring, he already has! this is why i don’t ask my mom what she thinks about my life decisions. in fact, i don’t ask ant body. i make them and stand by my decisions. you’ve been together 5 years and you’re still happy together. don’t let other people make you doubt your life choices, even if they’re family
Post # 5
Aw, I’m so sorry! My FH and I are both 20 and I know all to well the skepticism that goes along with wanting to marry young. Everyone is out to judge and everyone likes to rant about divorce rates and whatnot. THANKFULLY, both my family and his family are very supportive, but we began to discuss our desire to get married almost 10 months before he actually proposed. It was a slow and careful process to get them on board. Obviously, any parents would be concerned when their twenty year olds are talking about taking such a big step. My FH and I are pretty mature for our age and both our parents realized that, so with lots of discussions on our plans we all came to an agreement that everyone was happy and comfortable with. Which basically entailed us being engaged until we were both at least twenty one, and that no matter when we married I had to finish school and get my degree (Which was already a given for me, I’m motivated!)
So I think maybe the best think to do is for him or even both of you to sit down and ask his parents why they feel that you aren’t ready to take this step. And try not to be defensive about whatever reasoning they have. Try to understand where they are coming from and then, with that in mind,politely argue your point. Take it slow, don’t be pushy, and be willing to compromise. I’ll be praying for you girly!!! I’ll be very excited if you can win them over : ]
Post # 6
My first reaction was “who are they to tell HIM he’s not ready!”
Then I saw that you’d been dating for five years…since you were 15. So you’re both 20, I assume. That is still very young. Granted, there are younger brides than that on the boards, and age is what you make it, but I know at 20 (and it wasn’t even THAT long ago) I was in no way shape or form ready for any kind of serious relationship–let alone marriage.
Have his parents supported the relationship otherwise? They may have genuine concerns, but I would be wary of people who threaten to get their way. What changes in five years? Will they change their tune simply because you’re a little older?
What if you got engaged, but didn’t get married on your “dream date.” What if you put a ring on it (so to speak), made it official, but enjoyed a long engagement (enjoy? eh..it’s what you make it). I know the dream date sounds so perfect, and unmissable. I have one, too! But if it doesn’t happen by then it won’t kill me. I’ll still be marrying the man I love. Think of it this way–you’re creating ANOTHER special date. 🙂
Talk to his parents some more and find out exactly WHY they think he’s not ready. They’re his parents. They know him pretty well, I’m assuming. If it’s stuff like “you haven’t finished school”/”you aren’t financially stable”/etc etc. I totally get what they’re saying.
Which brings to ask–what are the answers to those questions? ARE you in school? What is the financial situation. These are real things to talk about, not just with his parents, but with each other!
Post # 7
I think that you guys should go for your dream day if that’s what you want! You both are adults & you really don’t need approval from anyone. Besides, exactly how long WILL it take his parents to come around? You could wait for another five years and they may STILL not support your decision. It’s your life… I say, do what makes you happy and they can deal with it themselves. Not your prob.
I hope you do come to some kind of happy ground with his parents on this though. Good luck, doll.
Post # 8
I think that you both need to sit down with his parents and discuss it. Why do they think he is not ready? Perhaps they don’t realise that you are happy in your jobs and financially. Maybe they didn’t realise that he already had the ring. Perhaps they thought he was just thinking about it.
Talk to them about how important it is that they support you in this decision.
Post # 9
I think that if you and SO think that y’all are ready for marriage, while his parents’ blessing would be wonderful, it’s not really necessary. I think that a conversation with you, SO, and his parents would be a good idea though. Find out what their concerns are about his proposing/marrying you and see if y’all can’t find some kind of compromise. It’s totally understandable that y’all would like their support. Ultimately though, as adults, your plans for a family (I don’t mean kids, I mean becoming your own family unit) are up to you now. If you’re concerned about how everyone else is going to feel about your relationship and its status, then maybe marriage should be on the back burner for now.
Post # 10
@Shoe: I know what kind of position you are in. BF and I had looong talked about moving in together, so when he got a good, steady job and we saved the money, we found an apartment but wanted to get our parents’ blessings first. Well, my parents took it great, which was a huge surprise! But when we told his parents, they tried to talk us out of it. He told me his dad had a talk with him about how we don’t know what we’re doing, we’re making a huge mistake, and we should wait at least another year (by the way, we were together for 2 years at this point, and our main goal for the YEAR following this was to move in together!). It was completely heartbreaking. His dad said we had a good thing going with our relationship and we would ruin in by moving in.
But guess what? We did it anyway. We didn’t want to pass up this apartment, which we now are living in and love, and are very happy in. (Despite the fact that we are missing one little bling-I mean thing!!)
It’s nice to have your parent’s blessing, yes. And if you are very young and don’t know what you’re doing, then you probably want to listen to your parents. But, you’ve been with your guy for a long time and if you are able to support yourselves, I don’t see why you shouldn’t get married. He might not be able to talk them into the idea, but he can definitely explain why you guys want to get engaged now and and explain to them how you are going to make it work. Then he’ll have to say, “I appreciate you worrying about me, but I’m going to do whatever I want.”
Good luck – I hope they come around.
Post # 11
We had this same issue, and we had both already finished college! It got to the point where we realized that it was not about our age, but rather, his parents not being able to be ok with their son growing up. We got engaged, and they ended up coming around. I agree that familial relationships are really important, but it comes down to, are you going to let them call the shots for the rest of your life? Will you put off having kids because they dont think that you are “ready”? I hope that whatever you decide works out for you two and both your families, but if you really want to get married on your date, you won’t be able to make everyone happy. The most important thing is that you make you two happy. Good Luck!
Post # 12
I feel for you. My only real piece of advice is this:
Don’t let a very insignificant thing like the number on the calendar be what is pushing you to get married at a certain time. Obviously you guys are in love, and want to spend the rest of your lives together, that is clear. But a date is just a date, it doesn’t mean anything. What matters is that you are both ready and maybe when you were 15 this date seemed so far away, but 21 is still very young (I’m sorry, I know that is not what you want to hear). You might be perfect for each other, but you haven’t had a lot of time to get to know YOURSELVES yet, and that might be what your FILs are worried about. They have lived a long time, and probably know a couple of things.
You can go ahead and get married anyway, no one will stop you, but it will make what should have been a perfect day be tainted, unfortunately, if they are not there. I guess you have to decide what is more important, this date, or the support of his family. And who knows, a few more years might not be a bad thing before taking a life-changing plunge like this.
Good luck and keep us posted!
PS Once a couple is happily (or unhappily married), the date of their anniversary does little to change the situation!
Post # 13
Thanks everyone for the kind words and awesome advice. I meant to reply sooner but I just didn’t get a chance. Thanks again.