Post # 1
I know this topic has been posted over and over again, but I haven’t seen a post yet where the SO blew past the deadline. I don’t want “deadline” to seem negative or imposing, but I moved in over a year ago with the agreement that we would be engaged in a year. I never wanted to live with a boyfriend before a proposal, but sinice I grew up on the other side of the US, and my family still lived there, we wanted to make sure that we could live together before making a lifelong commitment. We had been seriously dating for 1.5 years before I moved in and casually dating 1.5 years before that (3 years in total).
I know he asked my dad for my hand three months ago, but as of now I’m still waiting. He knows how important it would be to have my parents involved but when they came visit us last month he still didn’t have a ring. I’m trying not to be upset, but I feel like I don’t matter at all. Like an engagement is a joke or something.
Not to mention, his best friend proposed to a girl he was dating less than a year and now the wedding is coming up. I try to be happy for them because I really like his fiancé, but I can’t help but be jealous. In addition, we have 12 weddings this year and my SO’s younger sister just got engaged last weekend.
I’m on wedding overload and cant focus on anything else. I’m too hurt to see the happiness.
Post # 3
@carunner2450: I am a straight forward person, and I would just approach him and say, “Honey, reember the discussion we had about getting enagaged after moving in together?” He will probably remember, and at that point you have to decide if you want to create another deadline or walk out. I have seen some women on here truly walk if he doesn’t meet the deadline. I think it is time for you guys to have a very serious discussion, especially if he didn’t take your first talk seriously enough.
I might even consider moving out and until he proposes as that will more than likely wake him up to the fact that you are serious.
Post # 4
In the words of Hank Green.. Use your words! Talk to him!! Tell him how you’re feeling, remind him of the discussion. Boys are forgetful, absent minded. Some of them can’t even remember our birthday, which we shamelessly remind them of on a non-stop basis and then when they forget a whole year later about something we have not reminded them of once, we’re surprised.
Stop putting so much weight into his actions before you ask him about them!! I know a lot of people believe in shutting it up but this girl believes in open communication in a functional relationship so get out there and talk it out with him!
Post # 5
Oh we’ve talked about it. I’ve tried talking to him calmly, I’ve brought up the deadline… I’ve also resorted to freaking out, crying and yelling. Now he says I’m pressuring him, that I’m selfish and need to stop talking about it. But I feel as though he’s pushed me over an edge. I was very clear with my intentions and now I’m the “crazy” one.
Post # 6
@carunner2450: That’s complete b.s. He’s being a jerk.
If I were you, I’d get my girls together and go on a trip without him! Tell him you think he’s right, you have been pressuring him and you need to do something to get your mind off of it.
Keep doing stuff without him. He’ll figure it out eventually.
Post # 7
@carunner2450: Oh man I’ve so done that. I freak out inside just about every week. My guy just says he needs time to do it like he wants to so I’m trying to give him that. The space thing doesn’t work on my man but I know it works with others and it makes you feel good again. You need to start doing more things on your own and get out of the house. Be the woman he fell in love with again.
You are right though and I know men can push you over the edge of your sanity. It’s like why didn’t they propose when it was a surprise instead of a point of contention?! I’m also very disappointed I’ve had to wait as long as I have at my age.
Post # 8
@carunner2450: 12 weddings? That is overload! I would bring up the discussion again if possible.
Post # 9
@carunner2450: aw this stinks! I think you should try talking to him again calmly..easier said than done, I know! But also give him some credit for already talking to your father…to me that says a lot! I don’t think any guy would speak to his SOs parents if he didn’t really intend to propose. I know how you’re feeling, I’ve been there…my SO missed the deadline he set for himself earlier this year but he told me that it was due to finances so we worked it out and hes working on the ring now. It’s a really hurtful place to be, but you should be able to talk to him. Maybe he’s already planning something since you know he spoke to your dad. Also, maybe since you have so many weddings he’s not trying to “steal thunder”? Not sure if guys really think like that but maybe sincidiots his BFF and sister?
Post # 10
Fact 1: The deadline has come and gone Fact 2: You’re still there Fact 3: It’s up to you to stay or go
Stop bringing up the subject immediately. He pretty much told you to drop the subject so drop it. He’s a man and not a boy. He’s not deaf, dumb or blind. I GUARANTEE you that if he knows how to sign a lease and hold down a job and do everything else he wants to do, then he knows what you want. Do not use threats, ultimatums or other pressure tactics. Pack your stuff and your self-esteem and your self-respect and leave. If you don’t, he’ll always know that your words and deadlines don’t mean squat.
When he calls wondering where you are tell him you decided it’s not fair to either one of you to continue as you have been when neither of your needs are obviously being met because you’re not fulfilled. And that you need some space and would like to begin dating other people. Don’t use the words “wedding” or “marriage” or he’ll accuse you of pressuring him. He’s not stupid. He knows what you mean. If he asks what you mean, tell him you’re not happy so you have to start putting yourself first. That’s it. Then ignore his calls and turn your phone off if you have to. You will feel a whole lot better for standing up for yourself. If he tracks you down and proposes, then the ball’s in your court. But for what it’s worth if it took all that for him to propose I’d tell him you’ll think about it and wouldn’t say yes right away if at all. In fact I’d say no because an indecisive man is often times an immature one. Take your time and see what your other options are. And if he doesn’t propose you’ve lost nothing and gained time that could have been wasted.
And read this article about what men expect from living together vs. women. It will help you understand even more.
Post # 11
@evrnenpaul: This this this this this! All of this.
Post # 12
@carunner2450: my boyfriend has blown past two timelines now and I’m still waiting. Good luck
Post # 13
@evrnenpaul: You’re right. It’s hard but it’s up the OP how much longer she is willing to feel this way. I think a year is plenty of time for him to have his ducks in a row.
Post # 14
@VikingPrincess: Thanks. I speak from experience. Men respect women who respect themselves. And one way we show that is by not acting like we NEED them to be happy or fulfilled in our own lives. And the way we do that is by putting our own wants and needs first. Because guess what, that’s exactly what OP’s SO is doing, exactly what he wants by taking his sweet time! He was really slick by asking her dad but never proposing to her. That’s one way he got her to move in. It’s perfectly fine to WANT them and to want marriage but when want turns into need we can begin to lose our sense of self-worth and self-respect and that is very unattractive to a man so it has the opposite effect we are looking for.
Post # 15
@carunner2450: If I were you I would move out and go along with my life and let him take it from there.
Post # 16
@evrnenpaul: I wish you had been here when I joined the bee about a year ago. So wise, and so matter-of-fact. Love it.
OP, my original deadline for my ex-SO was about a year ago. I left him a few months ago but it’s only now that I feel like I’m becoming myself again. It takes a long time to get over things. I also put too much pressure on my ex-SO, but I think part of the reason was because I probably knew on some level that it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe it’s different for you, but dealing with things and waiting around as long I did has definitely had a less-than-great impact on me. If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break and reassess the situation, and try and save your sanity. And the moment you stop becoming yourself (like I stopped being my usual happy self, and was just miserable) – leave.