Waiting past agreed upon deadline

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@carunner2450:  I am a straight forward person, and I would just approach him and say, “Honey, reember the discussion we had about getting enagaged after moving in together?” He will probably remember, and at that point you have to decide if you want to create another deadline or walk out. I have seen some women on here truly walk if he doesn’t meet the deadline. I think it is time for you guys to have a very serious discussion, especially if he didn’t take your first talk seriously enough.

I might even consider moving out and until he proposes as that will more than likely wake him up to the fact that you are serious.

Post # 4
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

In the words of Hank Green.. Use your words! Talk to him!! Tell him how you’re feeling, remind him of the discussion. Boys are forgetful, absent minded. Some of them can’t even remember our birthday, which we shamelessly remind them of on a non-stop basis and then when they forget a whole year later about something we have not reminded them of once, we’re surprised. 

Stop putting so much weight into his actions before you ask him about them!!  I know a lot of people believe in shutting it up but this girl believes in open communication in a functional relationship so get out there and talk it out with him! 

Post # 6
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@carunner2450:  That’s complete b.s. He’s being a jerk.

If I were you, I’d get my girls together and go on a trip without him! Tell him you think he’s right, you have been pressuring him and you need to do something to get your mind off of it.

Keep doing stuff without him. He’ll figure it out eventually.

Post # 7
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@carunner2450:  Oh man I’ve so done that. I freak out inside just about every week. My guy just says he needs time to do it like he wants to so I’m trying to give him that. The space thing doesn’t work on my man but I know it works with others and it makes you feel good again. You need to start doing more things on your own and get out of the house. Be the woman he fell in love with again.

 

You are right though and I know men can push you over the edge of your sanity. It’s like why didn’t they propose when it was a surprise instead of a point of contention?! I’m also very disappointed I’ve had to wait as long as I have at my age.

 

Post # 8
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

@carunner2450:  12 weddings?  That is overload!  I would bring up the discussion again if possible.

Post # 9
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@carunner2450:  aw this stinks! I think you should try talking to him again calmly..easier said than done, I know! But also give him some credit for already talking to your father…to me that says a lot! I don’t think any guy would speak to his SOs parents if he didn’t really intend to propose.  I know how you’re feeling, I’ve been there…my SO missed the deadline he set for himself earlier this year but he told me that it was due to finances so we worked it out and hes working on the ring now. It’s a really hurtful place to be, but you should be able to talk to him. Maybe he’s already planning something since you know he spoke to your dad. Also, maybe since you have so many weddings he’s not trying to “steal thunder”? Not sure if guys really think like that but maybe sincidiots his BFF and sister?

Post # 10
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Fact 1: The deadline has come and gone   Fact 2: You’re still there  Fact 3: It’s up to you to stay or go

 

Stop bringing up the subject immediately.  He pretty much told you to drop the subject so drop it.  He’s a man and not a boy.  He’s not deaf, dumb or blind.  I GUARANTEE you that if he knows how to sign a lease and hold down a job and do everything else he wants to do, then he knows what you want.  Do not use threats, ultimatums or other pressure tactics.  Pack your stuff and your self-esteem and your self-respect and leave.  If you don’t, he’ll always know that your words and deadlines don’t mean squat.

 

When he calls wondering where you are tell him you decided it’s not fair to either one of you to continue as you have been when neither of your needs are obviously being met because you’re not fulfilled.  And that you need some space and would like to begin dating other people.  Don’t use the words “wedding” or “marriage” or he’ll accuse you of pressuring him.  He’s not stupid.  He knows what you mean.  If he asks what you mean, tell him you’re not happy so you have to start putting yourself first.  That’s it.  Then ignore his calls and turn your phone off if you have to.  You will feel a whole lot better for standing up for yourself.  If he tracks you down and proposes, then the  ball’s in your court. But for what it’s worth if it took all that for him to propose I’d tell him you’ll think about it and wouldn’t say yes right away if at all. In fact I’d say no because an indecisive man is often times an immature one. Take your time and see what your other options are.  And if he doesn’t propose you’ve lost nothing and gained time that could have been wasted. 

 

And read this article about what men expect from living together vs. women.  It will help you understand even more.

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/07/men-and-women-often-expect-different-things-when-they-move-in-together/277571/

 

Post # 11
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@evrnenpaul:  This this this this this! All of this.

Post # 13
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@evrnenpaul:  You’re right. It’s hard but it’s up the OP how much longer she is willing to feel this way. I think a year is plenty of time for him to have his ducks in a row.

Post # 14
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@VikingPrincess:  Thanks.  I speak from experience.  Men respect women who respect themselves.  And one way we show that is by not acting like we NEED them to be happy or fulfilled in our own lives. And the way we do that is by putting our own wants and needs first.  Because guess what, that’s exactly what OP’s SO is doing, exactly what he wants by taking his sweet time! He was really slick by asking her dad but never proposing to her.  That’s one way he got her to move in.  It’s perfectly fine to WANT them and to want marriage but when want turns into need we can begin to lose our sense of self-worth and self-respect and that is very unattractive to a man so it has the opposite effect we are looking for.

Post # 15
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@carunner2450:  If I were you I would move out and go along with my life and let him take it from there.

Post # 16
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee

@evrnenpaul:  I wish you had been here when I joined the bee about a year ago. So wise, and so matter-of-fact. Love it.

OP, my original deadline for my ex-SO was about a year ago. I left him a few months ago but it’s only now that I feel like I’m becoming myself again. It takes a long time to get over things. I also put too much pressure on my ex-SO, but I think part of the reason was because I probably knew on some level that it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe it’s different for you, but dealing with things and waiting around as long I did has definitely had a less-than-great impact on me. If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break and reassess the situation, and try and save your sanity. And the moment you stop becoming yourself (like I stopped being my usual happy self, and was just miserable) – leave.

 

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