Post # 1
So…Mr. Huneebee was just chatting away about upcoming events of Memorial Day weekend. Apparently, his family is hosting a huge barbecue, where he nonchalantly tells me, that his brother is planning to propose to his girlfriend in front of all 1 million of his family members. <rolling eyes>
My reaction: I totally spazzed out! WTF? Really? The verbal diarrhea was beyond controllable. First, I thanked him for ruining the remainder of my day, I then went on to say, “you mean to tell me that SHE is getting engaged before me!”
In short, that escalated into an argument and he got off the phone with me. Why would he tell me that????? I seriously believe that was his way of preparing me for it. He denies it of course. He calls me about an hour and half later talking like everything was ok. That conversation was very brief and we got off the phone. I couldn’t let it go. So, I called him back, to explain to him why I reacted the way I did. I explained to him that, being there to witness that would be humiliating for me. His response to me was “why?” It would be humiliating to me because one-as of today I am officially tired of waiting and two-I bet just about everyone there will in turn ask us when are we getting engaged. I personally don’t want to go through that. I get that enough in my day to day life. After I explained to him why, he still didn’t get it.
I refuse to be there. He will have to go through that alone. How can you be in a relationship and be the odd man out? That’s how I feel. He didn’t seem to have any regard for my feelings. None of this has an effect on him so, I guess if it doesn’t bother him it shouldn’t bother me. Just like that I’ve lost my joy in all of this. Everything was going good until this happened.
What I am about to say is totally selfish but, I will feel a lot better if I say it: It’s not that I’m not happy for his brother, I would have been able to enjoy their moment better if I had gotten engaged first!
Post # 3
Let me ask why that would bother you? Were you and your SO together before his brother and gf? Or are you older than the brother?
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I’m sorry you’re frustrated with waiting! I know that it can get exhausting. I personally think that your FI was being considerate by telling you about it beforehand – if you had been at the party and his brother proposed, you would have been upset for the rest of the party. At least this way you know ahead of time.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but my advice is to go with him to the party and try to put on a happy face for his brother. Your FI will probably be upset if you refuse to go because of the proposal (at least, I know my FI would be). I know it sucks and I know it’s very frustrating, but unless you want to take control and propose to your FI, you really have to wait until he is ready! He may be trying to wait until you aren’t suspecting it.
Good luck! Sorry you’re having to deal with all the frustration!
Post # 5
@WendyS328-At this point I am pretty sure I am tired of waiting. Yes, we both are older than his brother. We all started dating around the same time as well. It’s just a bad position to be in. I come out looking like a villian no matter how you look at.
@Amanda.Lynn-Thanks for the advice…
Post # 6
HUGS! I’m sorry girl. I’m sure this must be hard for you. I wish he would understand you. 🙁 Guys can be clueless sometimes. Personally, I probably would not attend the party. I don’t agree 100% with everything you said (although I realize you are venting, which is what we are here for), but I wouldn’t feel confortable being there when it occured as well if it hurts that badly. You can congratulate them when you see them next. Maybe she will say no… 😉 Best of luck to you!!
Post # 7
I completely understand where you are coming from. I felt the same way when I was waiting. I was so over people asking me all the time. I don’t think that guys realize how much it hurts us everytime someone asks us.
Maybe he plans on proposing to you before then because I know that everytime my FH talked about something proposal related, he would get aggrivated with me (up until the day he proposed), he was afraid of spoiling the surprise.
Post # 8
Oh trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m pretty much tired of waiting as well. What is worse is that I have a twin sister that is currently dating a guy now. My SO and i have been together for over 4 yrs. My sister and her man have been dating for under 6 mo. They are ALREADY talking about marriage. If they get engaged first, of course Ill be happy, but very dissappointed. Not only because SO and I have been together for a much longer time, but because then I would have to wait to get married well after my sister’s so to not take that moment away from her. UGH. It is frustrating. However, in my personal experience, you not showing up will only make SO more upset and probably a little resentful towards you. That’s probably not a good thing for someone taht is waiting to get proposed.
Post # 9
Unfortunately if you don’t go to the party, your SO will probably have a problem with that. I would “be the adult” in the situation and go to the party and put on a happy face. Upsetting your SO will probably not bring your engagement closer. I know it’s hard, but try not to compare your relationship with your SO to other people’s relationships. There will also people who will get married first/ have kids first/ make more money/ etc.
Post # 10
This is just my gut reaction to your situation:
– I’m not sure why you’re upset he told you. It would be MUCH worse if it was a surprise. You are totally right that you will get the questions at the party. But maybe that isn’t what you are upset about, and I read it wrong.
– I totally understand not wanting to go to the party. Those questions can be really painful while you’re waiting. I didn’t handle the time period when FI was deciding whether or not we should get married well (long story), so I understand the waiting horribles. I spent like a whole month in a funk. Not my proudest times. But, yeah, its like when you decide you are ready, it is hard if your partner isn’t on the same page yet. It feels super personal.
– That said, I think you should go to the party. Well, actually, give yourself time to cool, and then re-evaluate with the assumption you will go. If you can keep it together (grin and bear it), it is much better for the big picture.
Post # 11
I TOTALLY feel for you, but try to look at how your behavior is perceived by others.
You can do one of two things.
1. Stay home and look like a spoiled child who, when something does not go her way, sits home and pouts. I’m sure this will be quite endearing to your possible future in-laws AND your possible future husband
2. Go. Have fun and be gracious! Congratulate them and at least act happy for them. If anyone asks you if you are going to get engaged, just smile and in a light-hearted way, say “well now, that’s not really up to me, is it?” Don’t be b*tchy about it, just laugh ti off, but still get the point across.
This could be a real test for you, esp. with your future inlaws. And your future husband. If the way you act is perceived as self absorbed or immature, you may not be getting engaged anytime soon. You will also be snubbing and possibly hurting the feelings of your future inlaws
Post # 12
I agree with previous posters. I know it sucks to be in the situation and I can sypathize with you, but don’t stay home–even if you feel like you’d rather be under a rock (been there).
You don’t want there to even be a slight inkling of “she’s not here because she is a jealous brat” being whispered. People can easily forget that this is an emotional time and let their tongues wag. That won’t help at all while waiting. You NEED to be there to show that you’re supportive and to also keep tabs on how you are perceived.
Use the heads-up to your advantage. Compose yourself, you want to appear graceful in the face of the madness engagements seem to loose on families. Come up with some creative ways to divert attention back to the newly-engaged couple and even more ways to send all engagement inquiries to your bf.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I agree with the above posters that you should go and be gracious. Don’t stay home and sulk, it’s no good for anyone. I also don’t really understand why you’re upset that he told you. Would you rather have been suprirsed by it when you got there? At least now you have time to prepare.
As far as you feeling humiliated, I’m sorry about that, but just keep remembering this: your boyfriend’s brother’s relationship with his girlfriend is a completely different animal than your relationship with your boyfriend. It’s impossible to compare a relationship timeline with another. People are different. The dynamics of every relationship are different. Age shouldn’t matter. How long you’ve been together compared to how long some other couple has been together shouldn’t matter. I think a lot of the waiting bees on this board would be a lot happier if they stopped comparing their relationships to other relationships that move at a different pae.
(And this is coming from someone who was with her boyfriend for five years before he proposed, who saw both of the boy’s brothers and half a dozen of our best friends get engaged and married before we did. So I know what it’s like to be in a relationship that’s not moving as fast as someone else’s and I’m not trying to trivialize anyone’s feelings.)
Post # 14
Thanks bees! This has been one emotional evening. A LOT of things have transpired. I’m built from strong stuff, I will recover. I have about a month to think things over. I’m sure I will make the best decision for me.
Post # 15
I agree with the previous responses. It’s tough, but it also REALLY sets the tone of the relationship between you and his family. I would imagine that you don’t want to start causing hard feelings!
Think about it this way- if you and your bf got engaged and one of his relatives refused to even be present during the proposal because she was jealous of the engagement – wouldn’t you feel a little hurt, and feel that she was acting self-centered? I know I sure would…
It’s really hard to wait, trust me I KNOW- but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be supportive of others who don’t have to wait any longer… especially if they are future family members!
Hope you’re able to reach an understanding with your bf. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 16
Oh wow, I totally agree with danadelphia– every relationship is different, and just because they are getting engaged more quickly than you are does not in ANY way make your relationship any less beautiful! 🙂