Post # 1
So I recently joined the bee and saw the shut it up pact along with a lot of advice from others regarding letting your SO make his plans without badgering him about it. I decided to try to shut it up (even though the pact was on a holiday 🙂 )
This weekend I internalized so much anxiety that I completely isolated myself from SO. Not talking about marriage/engagement + having it constantly be on my mind = not being able to talk to him at all.
I finally ended up breaking down and telling him what was going on and how I was getting all worried in waiting. He reassured me, told me there’s a plan but he’s still not going to give me any hints or timelines about it (it’s the timeline that kills me). I felt better but not great. Last night we talked about it again. He told me he doesn’t think I’m giving him enough credit. It feels so good to be talking openly with him about it again. He’s so good about it that I don’t know why I got psycho about not saying a word….. So my question to you is, do YOU think shutting up helps or hurts?
Post # 3
@Andthepupmakes3: I think at a certain point it helps. I have a hard time with the SIUP because I like to talk, about everything and anything, and when I’m not supposed to talk about a certain thing, of course that’s the only thing I want to talk about.
If ya’ll haven’t discussed anything about engagement/wedding/future, the SIUP won’t help much. You need to have some discussions about such things, in my opinion. But if you are completely obessessing about it, and it’s ALL you talk about, then yes, try the SIUP.
However, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage to keep quiet about it. Just don’t make it the focus of the conversations with your SO. 🙂
Post # 4
Yes, it helps!!
Once you’ve discussed your future/marriage/kids/approximate timeline with your SO, the best thing you can do it “shut-it-up”.
Trust me, when I was waiting, it felt like FOR-EVERRR!!! I felt like I was going crazy and I had it on my mind all.the.time.
We had discussed getting married for a few years, and we were both ready mentally, just not financially. In May 2012, FI had established a timeline, which was “we’ll be engaged by the end of the year (in 2012)”
Those months were hell waiting. The more I talked about it, the more annoyed he got. It wasn’t so much that he felt pressured (he wanted to propose), it was more about the fact that he had a plan and I was being annoying and impatient. By November 2012, after many, many opportunities in which I thought he was going to propose, I assumed that he was planning to do a Christmas or New Years proposal. After all, he hadn’t even asked me what I wanted for Christmas like he usually does.
Anyhoo, I joined the Bee and I joined the shut-it-up pact. It was really hard and made for lots of awkward moments (in my head) in Nov/Dec, especially when every friggin’ commercial is aimed at proposing/buying diamonds for Christmas. He proposed on Dec. 15th, when I was least expecting it.
Some guys just want it to be a total surprise and if you are constantly nagging talking about it to him, it kind of ruins his moment! Just be happy with him, vent on the Bee, and silently pinterest/internet plan/research your dream wedding. By the time we got engaged, I had already picked out all the main things I wanted for our wedding, then I just need to go pay for it! LOL
Post # 5
@aithinne: Oh sorry I missed that detail.
We have choosen a ring, and we have had all sorts of conversations about the wedding, the actual marriage, babies, etc. He’s on board. I’m just waiting. In torture.
Post # 6
It absolutely helps, I’m living proof.
I didn’t discuss it a ton anyways, as we have lived together the last two years, have pets and cars together, etc. We talked about getting married alot (always have) so I had a pretty damn good idea we’d be getting married…just not when.
Back in February, I abruptly stopped dicussing/hinting at it for like a week…and that was enough for him to text me at work, saying we “needed to talk” when I got home. I was thinking ‘shit, he’s going to dump me or something’, as he’d never said those words before, ever.
When I got home, he said “how does getting engaged in the next 6 months sound to you?” He bought my ring in May and, per his self-imposed deadline, will be proposing by end of August.
I cannot prove it, but if you are sure the guy is wanting to marry you, then I think not bugging him about it can work wonders.
Post # 7
The point is to actually agree that you two will get married. That he wants to marry you and only you (because, after months of questioning this is what my now FH actually said). And then to leave the topic alone.
Once he/she has decided that he/she wants to get married, it is just a matter of time before he/she makes the move.
Sure, the occasional non-pushy text “Hey babe, saw this e-ring that I think I’m in love with!!! Thought it would help. Or not. I love you!” helps. But that’s it!
Besides the more you talk about it, the more it’s on your mind, the longer it feels like it’s gonna take…because time goes by slow when you want something badly. The sooner you forget about the whole shebang and just enjoy being with the man you love regardless of your status, the sooner he will propose to you and you will feel super silly for rushing him that whole time.
Hang in there & be the best gf you can be because all he needs is reassurance that he is doing the right thing…it’s a big moment for them too! My FH got all anxious and nervous and he even almost cried. Let him enjoy the process!
Post # 8
I think that there’s a time when shutting it up will help. Absolutely. However, this is after you discover that you are on the same page so far as marriage and future commitments are concerned.
I’ve never been “waiting” as such – we went from happily living together to married in a very short time! – but my lovely soon to be daughter in law did take me into her confidence last year when she found the waiting very difficult.
Now their situation is complicated by the fact that they are divided by the Atlantic Ocean. She is American, he is English. After they met when my son was travelling through the US they spent a year living together in New Zealand before coming home to their respective countries. Since then, they’ve endured an awful lot of airport farewells as they can only living in each others countries for 6 months at a time. My DIL was due to fly home after 6 idyllic months over here and she was secretly hoping to go back to the US formally engaged.
They’d discussed marriage and both were in happy agreement about getting married. My dil truly didn’t know whether talking about her hopes OR shutting up about them was the best option because she said he tended to change the subject when she discussed their engagement. Now I know that my son wanted the same thing but I also know that while he is absolutely charming (OK I am biased) in his manner, he is also determined. In this instance, he was determined to do things traditionally, including asking for her father’s blessing. This alone was complicated because he had to make a secret call to the US! He was also determined to propose with a ring and that this proposal would be a surprise. So my advice to her was to stop raising the subject.
I’m happy to report that the weekend before she flew home he proposed, she said yes and we had a wonderful family engagement dinner. But I truly think that had she continued to press for a proposal he’d have held back. Not to be nasty or controlling but because he wanted the genuine pleasure that comes from being able to surprise the person you love with such a wonderful question. She now has her fiance visa and the wedding is in 2 months so all worked brilliantly in the end.
So yes, I agree that shutting it up does help and may well work in your favour. But not unless you’ve done the groundwork first!
Post # 9
I think shutting up about it is a good thing, but you still need to be on the same page. I had a few conversations with FI the past couple years about getting married, but I spread them outby many months. I didn’t want to put too much pressure on him, but I also wanted to see if we were getting any closer. Finally we set a timeline.
I do think it is fair for you to want some sort of timeline from him. You can tell him you don’t need an exact month or anything, but more like….within one year? within 2 years? something like that is totally reasonable. Emphasize to him that it is very difficult to be in the dark regarding such a huge life decision. I think that will help. And then you can shut up about it! lol
Post # 10
@Andthepupmakes3: it helps. Men need to come to their own conclusions and feel like they are the ones making certain decisions . Silly yes it is but the male ego is fragile better they think they are in control even if in reality, they are not. I shut up about it and have been seeing ,t friends more and doing things to make me feel good. He gave me a promise ring which was silly and a waste of money in my eyes which further made me realize that I should not talk about marriage at all and just live my life. I want him to see that I don’t need a ring or a mans approval to be happy. I want him to see that I’m stronger than that. men like strong confident women after all. So far I think it’s been working he appreciates me more that’s for suramend asks to see me more. so yeah lol we will see.
Post # 11
I’m bias…I started the SIU pact. It worked for me. I was driving him crazy. I was driving myself crazy. I needed to shut it up…so I made a game of it
Post # 12
I can say personally, shutting up about it worked for me. But that was after getting into a bad habit of not being able to shut up about it. I think you should be able to have an honest conversation about marriage, but the consistent “when are ya gonna do it?” and the discussions about planning are the problem.
Post # 13
Why don’t you focus on the long-term future? If you’re sure you will be getting married, why don’t you talk about your future career goals and home situation, a long-term savings plan, maybe even kids, etc.? That way you’re focusing on the commitment aspect rather than the engagement/party. If you do it in a fun way, he might be more excited to marry you.
If what you’re dwelling on is the proposal/wedding planning/telling everyone you’re engaged aspects, you should probably shut it.
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
I think at your point it’d help more to back off now for as many months as you can manage, you /know/ he wants to marry you but he could do with being given a little time to work some stuff out on his own, or if he doesn’t work anything out I have that time then he’ll be less inclined to start thinking that at this point maybe you’re only there for the ring.
if youhadn’t had any conversations or if he was trying to talk marriage but kept being shot down then I’d think shutting it up would be non-beneficial XD
I have a little counter on my phone with how many days I’ve managed to keep quiet for, so I can actually see how well I’m doing. It is hard! There are like 5 times a day when I’ll think of a wedding comment to make ^^; I’m trying to shut up completely for 3 months, then I have something I’d like to say to him and after that I’ll see if I can last 6 months – having a target will also help to feel like you’re accomplishing something ^^
Post # 15
@MaidMarian: This counter idea is genius – just added it to my phone! Thanks!
It’s hard to say if SIU works or not – I think it depends on you and also your SO. Some guys like to talk about future stuff and some don’t. My SO gets non-responsive or defensive when I bring it up, so I’m finding that SIU works better for us. For someone else, it might be totally different.
But I will say that SIU will definitely give your SO the ability to think all of his own thoughts through without feeling any pressure. And that is kind of a bonus.
Post # 16
@Andthepupmakes3: For me, shutting up helps. Even though I don’t think he feels terribly pressured (except when I talk about rings), it helps ME. The first week was hard because I was constantly thinking about it and trying NOT to mention it. But by the second and third weeks it was easier. I wasn’t thinking about it as much and HE started bringing it up. Now we only talk wedding timelines when HE says something and it’s much more relaxed.