Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
So, about a month ago DH and I finally set a date and we were going to start TTC in December… Well, since then I’ve been my usual obsessive self and that’s all I’ve been able to think about… and it wasn’t all positive… 90% of the time I felt like it was the right choice and logistically it is; we are absolutely ready to have and raise a baby. BUT, the other 10% of the time I couldn’t help but think “is this what I really want? do I want it right now?” I know that DH doesn’t particularly want kids, he’s agreed to have them because I want them. So, really this came down to my feelings.
Again, most of the time, it’s a no-brainer, but I couldn’t help but feel like as long as that other 10% exists, the timing just isn’t right. So, I talked with DH about it last night and I told him that I think we should wait another year. At which point I’ll be 27 and he’ll be 30, we want 2 kids and I want to be done before I’m 30. He’s happy because to him that’s another year of “freedom” to enjoy our financial stability and play, travel, etc. before kids are part of the picture.
Now, today all I can think about is how sad I am that we aren’t going to be trying in a few months… Seriously, I feel like a nut job!!!
Has anyone else been through this? Did I make the right choice? What if we struggle to concieve later?
For the Bees with kids– what were you “Before Baby Bucket List” items? Are there things you wish you’d done that you didn’t?
For those still waiting, what are the things on your list that you’re still working on?
Post # 2
juliette.eliza: I dont know your situation, but I don’t think the 10% doubt goes away. I’m 44, we’ve been TTC for 4 years. We’ve spend thousands and thousands of dollars (and lots of needle sticks) trying to have a baby. I say that to mean, we’ve been trying hard to have a child. And I still have my doubts. When I sleep in on Sat AND Sun morning, when it takes me 5 mins to leave the house, when my cat is bugging me and I can push him off my lap. Yeah, I have doubts. Now
I’m lucky beause DH wants to have child too. I would be more concerned in your case that DH won’t pull his weight because , “You wanted this kid, not me…you deal with it”. But if you keep putting off having kids until you have no doubt, you’ll never have kids…
Post # 3
TTC is an exciting yet nerve wracking experience. If you have doubt as you say and your DH doesnt particularly want kids, I say wait. Although you will never be 100% ready! you should wait until both of you feel like it could the right time. I do understand you when you say you want to be done by 30, that’s my rule too lol
As for us, FI is 24 and Im 23. We are getting married in 3 weeks yay!! We have already started TTC. AF was due two days ago so hopefully it is happening for us. when we decided we thought we both want children, we have job security, news cars, a house.. Why wait? FI said that if we keep putting it off it will never happen. We also want 3-4 children and to be finished by 30 so starting now is the best option for us.
I hope this has helped.. Everyone has a different situation but hopefully you both decide on what works best for you 🙂
Post # 4
If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel confused as well, especially since you said “DH doesn’t particularly want kids”. That’s a huge red flag. What if you have kids and he resents you for it? What if he doesn’t want to spend time with the kids? What if it ruins your relationship? So many questions, and definitely a tough position to be in.
All that aside, I’m definitely in the camp of “I have 9 months to get ready”. I don’t feel 100% ready, and neither does my husband, but we know it might take a while. I told him “I don’t want to be trying to plan this out like ‘let’s wait 6 months, then try to have a baby so it’s born around X time of year’ and then suddenly realize it’s a year later and we’re having trouble conceiving.”
What is that saying? “Man plans, God laughs.”
Post # 5
when my husband and i decided to have our first it was more me than him wanting the baby too. He said he never pictured himself with kids and actually figured he would be a bachelor all his life too. So we were in the same boat as you basically but instead of waiting we decided to do it anyways. Is anyone really 100% ready to have a baby? theres always some hiccups down the road. So fast forward a few years we decided to try for baby #2. well he wanted to try right away; i put it off a few months. And it actually turned out we tried and tried everything possible and it took us a year and a half to conceive! i couldnt believe it because with baby #1 it took 2 maybe 3 months i never would have imagined we would have to try for a year and a half straight!
So even if you decide to try now it doesnt always mean your going to get pregnant right away! 🙂
Also as for the bucket list i maybe wish we would have traveled a bit more; but thats nearly impossible anyways with our work schedules. So theres nothing i can think of that i wish we did before babies.
Post # 6
juliette.eliza: As others have mentioned, I think your real issue here is that your hubby doesn’t really want kids. I get that it could go both ways – a friend of mine got pregnant unplanned and her husband (who was terrified to have children) has been an absolutely amazing father who adores his kid. However, most times that’s not the case. Has he explained why he doesn’t want children? Having kids just to make one spouse happy is a risky move, because the bond between reluctant parent and child may not ever happen.
I vote to hold off for a while, but to use that time to really understand where your hubby is coming from and whether he truly is willing to make the commitment to being a parent (for himself, not for you).
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I didn’t articulate my point very well on DH’s feelings. It’s not that he “doesn’t want kids” it’s that he’s ambivilant to the idea. He would be perfectly happy in life never having kids (therefore has no real “want” for them) but he’s not against having kids either. When we do have kids, he’s 100% on board with the idea, and will be a wonderful and involved parent. He just has no opinion as to when it happens, if it’s now or in 5 years it makes no difference to him, except that he’ll get to spend 5 more years “care free”.
Post # 8
I’ve been having this exact argument in my head since the honeymoon! We agreed to try in August but I freaked out and wanted to wait until next year. Then everyone kept asking when we’re having kids and I just kept having break downs so we agreed to try Septemeber (as in now!). I still have my moments of “idk if this is the right thing” but I figure once it happens I won’t regret it in the slightest. We’re still traveling to Mexico in January and plan to travel just as we have, just with baby in tow! I work at a daycare as the infant teacher so I see their cute faces everyday (even the spit up and explosive diarreah) and can’t wait to have my own. DH wants kids very much, but would also be happy waiting 5 years, but has said he knows as soon as it happens he will be ecstatic. For us it was best to just plunge in and give it a shot and see what happens. It’s helped me a lot by not having breakdowns by trying but my cycles are being weird so it still probably won’t happen yet.
Post # 9
Most men don’t have the same feeling towards kids that women do. It takes them the moment of SEEING the child to really bond with it. If your husband is saying “go for it if you want”, he’s ready whenever you are.
You will most likely always have that 10%. But that’s it! It’s 10% and not 75%! Everyone has the little doubt. Not too many people are ever OMG 100% I need a baby now. They are out there, but for many of us, parent hood is always going to be a little scary 🙂
Hope that helps.
Post # 10
I’ve been TTC since January. After our wedding in September, we said we’d start TTC after the holidays. I turned 30 in January and thought “Great! We want 2 kids, I’ll be done having them by 33”. I’ve had baby fever since I turned 27, so I am super excited about one day hopefully having a baby. It’s taking a lot longer than we thought to get pregnant, and even though we want a baby there are still times where I think about how much life will change (our “freedom”) etc, and I start to doubt whether or not we’re really ready for this to happen. BUT, like others have said, if you try to wait until everything is perfect, you’ll never have kids. As with any life changing decision, there will always be a sliver of doubt.
Post # 11
We didnt’ really have a before baby bucket list. Our daughter was a bit unexpected and neither or us have a single regret. We were opposite from your situation – my husband wanted kids ASAP and I could have taken it or left it. I can’t imagine not having our daughter and being a mom. SHe’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I cannot wait to give her some siblings!
Having doubts is normal for any major decision in life. I always say it was best that I got pregnant accidently because (although we were planning to start TTC 6 months or so after I got pregnant), I don’t know that I’d ever have felt “ready” enough to say okay, let’s do this! If you’re financially, emotionally and physically ready for a baby, sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith.
For me, the thought of raising a child was far more scary than actually doing it!
Post # 12
I think if you only have 10% doubt, you’re probably feeling more confident then a lot of people who are planning to TTC! I would say it’s completely normal to feel nervous about it, and to wonder whether it’s the right choice. It’s a huge life decision…. if you are not in a huge rush, but not wanting to officially put it off, why not NTNP?
Post # 13
We “pulled the goalie” (I love that, LOL) a few months ago. We decided rather than to see ourselves as actively trying to have kids, we’d sort of put it in fate’s/god’s/whatever’s hands. Both of us are really on the fence about it. We’ve done a lot of traveling since we got married; we paid off all our debts except our mortgage; we saved a bunch. We’re about to buy some land to hopefully build on in a couple years. We’ve done a lot in 2 years, and we’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. There are days it would be very easy to live like this for the rest of our lives.
But we both feel like if we don’t have kids, we’ll regret it one day. So we just sort of said rather than killing ourselves trying not to, or driving ourselves crazy trying to, we’ll just let nature decide if we’re going to be parents.
That’s not a solution for everyone, but maybe it’s something to think about. Stop BC, just live life, and when it happens, it happens, or if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
riley23: I would LOVE to do this… however DH isn’t keen on the idea, he’s a black/white kind of guy, either we’re actively trying or actively preventing… not a fan of letting nature run it’s course. Plus, my paranoid self feels like if there’s a possibility of it, I should be as prepared as possible meaning avoiding unhealthy foods (i.e. some fish, soft cheeses, caffeine, alcohol, etc.) and taking prenatals… things I don’t want to have to worry about if we aren’t going to be preggo any time soon…
I had a mini melt down last night and DH and I agreed that since we wont be TTC until December at the earliest, that we should shelf the conversation until then, and go from there. So, until then I’m 1/2 way preparing, i.e. taking prenatals and doing the generally healthy changes to my diet, but not focusing on the pregnancy-only restrictions for now.