Waiting turning into a "nightmare"

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh boy, I completely know where you’re coming from. I was dating my now fiance for about 3.5 years before he popped the question. At about the 1.5 year mark I started getting those comments from his family members which definitely made me feel REAL uncomfortable, because what are you supposed to say? We would both laugh it off, but at around the 2 year mark I used it to my advantage. When we were both alone I asked him “so, your aunt really is nagging us about this marriage thing…what do you think?” and that’s kind of how we got to talking about our timeline for marriage. Granted, I would’ve liked to be proposed to MUCH earlier than 3.5 years of dating, but now couldn’t imagine being engaged any sooner. We’re financially much more stable, he was able to save for my dream ring, etc. Don’t let the family members stress you out – you might even be able to use their comments are a gateway to asking those questions yourself! I think the 1.5 year mark is fair to start discussing these things. I’m sure he DOES see a future with you at this point, or why else would he still be with you? 🙂

Post # 4
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I think it’s okay to talk to him about where the relationship is heading, especially after over a year of dating.  Plus, it’ll be easier to gauge where he’s at and if you’re on the same page about the possibility of marriage in the future.

Post # 5
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Talk to him.  Calmly and rationally, no crying!  Keep it light, and no pressure – tell him you’re happy with the relationship and you’re wondering what his future plans are.  He may not be able to give you a timeline straight away, but he can at least give you a sense of “Will never marry”, “Wants to marry someday, but not ready”, “Heading towards ready”, etc.

Post # 7
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Dimps2425:  Well… you’re in an adult relationship so you need to have an adult chat with him about this.

You’re not going to stick around forever without a ring, so see what he says. I hate that so many ladies think it’s solely up to the guy to bring up marriage. It shouldn’t be. I brought up marriage on our FIRST DATE (ok I know that’s not typical or recommended but we knew each other before the date) because I wanted to know if he was considering marrying again after being divorced. He said yes. If he said no, I wouldn’t have pursued that relationship any further.

You have a right to know where things are headed. By not bringing it up, he probably thinks you’re fine with status quo. He’s 30… it must have crossed his mind. Do you talk about your future goals, hopes, dreams? If not, then you’re likely nowhere close to getting engaged.

Marriage is hard. If you can’t even have a conversation about the future, you’re not ready for it.

Post # 9
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think this limbo, especially when the “waiting crazies” has started can be very destructive.  I think the best way to deal with this sort of thing is to have an open, honest discussion of what you want.  You guys have been together a year and a half – that’s plenty of time to know whether marriage is in the cards or not.  Ask him about marriage, what timeline he was thinking, what would be ideal to him, etc., and share what would be ideal to you.  

Post # 10
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Dimps2425:  I’m glad you’re ok, first of all!

I think there’s a balance between nagging and having serious conversations that need to happen.

You don’t seem pushy all all.. in fact the opposite.

I think you should just have a talk with him and you may be pleasantly surprised 🙂

Post # 11
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

@Dimps2425:  I don’t think you’ve ruined anything.  It sounds like he has thought about marriage with you by the way he phrased his sentence, although it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be anytime soon.

Don’t be too hard on yourself about your ex-fiance, it was a stressful situation.

You can always still talk to him about it though, you shouldn’t feel like you’re pressuring him into it. It’s okay to talk about major life decisions.

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