Post # 1
Hey fellow Christian bees!
So, while I have strong beliefs about waiting until marriage to have sex, I majorly struggle at actually waiting. I have failed before, and while I know I am forgiven, I want to keep trying and waiting until marriage. I don’t have long left until he proposes and then we will have a short engagement – so not too long to wait. It’s still a struggle to wait and control myself though!
Post # 3
@HopefulSim: What helped us the most was to not get too physical in the first place, i.e. touching certain areas was off limits. I think it’s much easier to stop at a point before your body gets too excited.
And obviously to be on the same page as your boyfriend, and to spend your time talking or doing things together instead of just extended make-out sessions.
Post # 4
We stopped having sex for seven months before the wedding. It is so rewarding knowing that we did the right thing and I know God will bless us for it. We prayed about it A LOT because we were both very tempted a lot but it always seemed that when I wanted to cross the line my husband would stop and vice versa. We did pretty much everything else and it’s a miracle that we didn’t have any mess ups but I give that credit to God.
My advice is to stop and pray when you start feeling like you want to have sex. If you are serious about this then rely on God to help you keep your promise.
Post # 5
Thank you both! Great advice! So nice to not be alone in this and to be actually be able to vocalise this to other christians! 🙂
Post # 6
@HopefulSim: I’m a Christian as well, and we are not waiting. My FI waited for his first marriage only to find out they were completely sexually incompatible. But it sounds like you have already ‘failed’ and had sex with him? So what’s the issue? No where in the bible does it directly state that sex before marriage is a sin. Like most scripture the verses that that idea are pulled from are wide open to interpretation. I think you and your FI are torturing yourselves over a non issue, but that’s just my opinion. There are as many different ways to read the bible as there are Christians. I just know that sex with the man I love and am going to spend the rest of my life with does not in any way, shape, or form interfere with my faith or my spiritual focus. If anything it has made it stronger, bc I know that my FI was made for me and I for him, in every way – emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
That all said (climbing off my soapbox now) remember that The Lord will not temp you beyond what you can bear. Pray about it. Be completely open with your FI. Talk to married women in your church you feel close with. Keep your eyes on The Lord.
Post # 7
@Weetzie: Hi! Thanks for your post! I had a big struggle last year with the fact that it is not directly stated in bible that you can’t have sex until marriage. I felt like I was being made to feel bad about something that was a blessing and gift from God. Yes, SO and I have failed. At one point though, it actually just brought guilt between us, and it did start to hinder our personal relationships with God. God really got us back to a healthy place, and I feel that we are both convicted that waiting – with His help and His grace(for when we do go too far) – is what is best until we get married. Of course it is still a struggle but I think God has brought us to a new level of intimacy through it(without the sex). Anyway, it is a big struggle but I think we both have to go with our convictions about what is best for our relationship! I am SOOOOOO looking forward to the wait being over though! haha I definitely understand your point of view though and it is something I really have had to debate during this relationship.
Post # 8
My husband and I were very sexually active in the first few years of our relationship. Our faith wasn’t anywhere where it needed to be and I kind of ran from it. Than a couple weeks after we got engaged I started having health troubles and eventually I found my faith and it came on strong.
It took a long time until I finally decided to stop having sex. We got married in April but it was January that we stopped having sex. In church our pastor was talking in service one day about “Why wait to turn your life around, there is no better time than the present” of course I don’t remember how he said it and it sounded much better than me paraphrasing but you get the hint. When we left church I said to my husband FI (at the time) “So what the pastor said in church today really has me thinking….” and his response”I was afraid of that” lol
So we stopped having sex and even got baptized on Easter Sunday! Both of us and it was a beautiful experience! It was really hard to submit and a couple times we caved and didn’t have sex or oral but there was some hand things going on (sorry for the TMI but I have to be honest here) but I tried really hard and so did he.
If you just remind yourself of why you are doing this, devote this extra time into building your faith together and remind yourself after this short wait you will be able to as much as you want free of guilt it makes things easier. The guilt got to a point where I just stopped enjoying sex, I just felt guilty during. Since we got married it’s been absolutely wonderful, we both feel completely freed and there isn’t an ounce of guilt. Remind yourself of why you are doing this and remind yourself that this is a sacrifice you are making for God, he made the ultimate sacrifice 2013 years ago, we can make a small sacrifice like this one.
I’d say to really sit down with your FFI and tell him how you feel, discuss it in depth and stick to your guns. It will be hard but just keep reminding yourself of why you are doing this and it will be so worth it. I still feel bad for not stopping sooner, but it’s a beautiful thing when you get to your wedding day and you know that you did what you could to please God. Even now being married on occassion we abstain, I feel like I owed it to God to abstain in the beginning and since I didn’t, I should from time to time now.
Post # 9
My FI and I are recently decided to hold off until the wedding… which is proving to be quite the struggle. Not for religious purposes, just to give us something to make it even more of a special day (and because I wish we would have waited longer to begin with haha). We are pretty bad at it so far, but at least we are trying.
Pro tip: Don’t shave your legs. Trust me, you aren’t going to want to take off your pants if you look like a lumberjack.
Post # 10
@echapman: haha! I love that practical tip! Might be a good one!
Post # 11
@kris325: SO and I have discussed this and we’re definitely both in it as a team. I am looking forward to using the next few months to grow each other in other areas of our relationship with God and each other and THEN, when married, be able to experience the freedom to be physically intimate with him as well! My mind just gets cloudy and tempted from time to time and that’s when I find myself reaching out for help from others to help remind me! thank you!
Post # 12
@HopefulSim: DH and I didn’t wait until marriage, but we did wait until it was the right time for both of us, which didn’t happen until we had been dating for over 6 years, so I definitely have a sense the feelings of waiting & temptation.
What really worked for us was finding other ways to spend time together – sure, we made out and cuddled a lot, but we also did activities like board games, mini-golf, cooking, going for walks, etc. It helped to give us a break from the temptation and gave us a chance to grow closer in other ways, too.
Post # 13
@Birdee106: “It is so rewarding knowing that we did the right thing and I know God will bless us for it. ” <—-THIS!
@kris325: “If you just remind yourself of why you are doing this, devote this extra time into building your faith together” ” <—-THIS!
@HopefulSim: You are absolutely NOT alone in your struggle. We are currently abstaining also, just like your relationship and PPs we started out doing it but came to the point where we got serious about our relationship with God and so wanting to be obedient to him, we stopped. Obviously it is not easy one bit, but you are not alone in your struggle and it can be done. There are other ways to build intimacy and togetherness in your relationship without being physical, initially we weren’t sure HOW this was going to affect our relationship, and trust me when I say our relationship was already great and now its BETTER, when you face a challenge as a team it builds trust between you two and makes you stronger…you can’t lose when you obey God, he blesses you.
Be sure to set firm healthy boundaries about the things that are off limits so that the temptation is minimized as much as possible. If laying in bed together watching tv always turns into something else…then don’t lay in bed to watch tv, watch tv in the living room etc. You know where your areas of weaknesses are isolate and eliminate those temptaions! Get involved in faith based activities together as well as other hobbies and social activities together and spend quality time getting to know each other better and preparing a good strong foundation for your marriage. If you haven’t already taken a pre-marital class, take one, get busy preparing for your future together. You will have the rest of your lives to enjoy each other physically for years to come…
I really believe that this practice of sacrifice and discipline will be rewarded greatly by God in your relationship now and more importantly in your marriage to come. God knows what it’s like for us to be tempted, Jesus was tempted and he overcame, so through him, with his help, we can all overcome too. I encourage you to hang in there stay strong and faithful in your decision, it will all be worth it in the end. I’ll be rooting for you guys! You can do this.
Post # 14
Hey… I know this is very hard for so many ppl.. It’s not an easy task that’s for sure… We both waited till marriage and was great thing.. I was almost 25… The fact that you are trying and asking for advice from ppl how to keep strong is commendable.. I noticed that both mentioned that the Bible doesn’t say not to have sex before marriage but it actually does… Actually in a few different verses.. In 1 corinthians 6:18 says “Flee from fornication. Every other sin that a man may commit is outside his body, but he that practices fornication is sinning against his own body.” Now in Ephesians 5:3-5… Verse 5 in particular it describes the cosequences of one who is practicing fornication.. it says “For You know this, recognizing it for yourselves, that no fornicator or unclean person or greedy person which means idolater has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”
Now does it say “no sex before marriage” no but it says fornication which means sexual intercourse between an man and a woman not married to eachother.. So as we see Gods word does tell us to flee from this and it’s quite clear..
What helped me and my husband to keep to this was to both be on the same page.. We have the same beliefs and were determined to honor it.. Like many ppl said be careful what situation you put yourselves in.. Try hanging out in more group settings like with other couples.. But the best avenue is Prayer.. Pray for strength and courage and wisdom..
Post # 15
@HopefulSim: My BF and I are waiting for marriage as well (and we have both failed before too, but not with each other). It’s important to remember that it’s much easier to stop before your body starts getting excited. The process of arousal is not meant to be stopped in the middle. God is much more pleased when we avoid getting ourselves into tempting situations in the first place rather than getting ourselves into such situations and then trying to resist temptation. When you or your BF start feeling tempted to do something physically that you shouldn’t do, you could do something to distract yourselves, like go for a walk, play a game, or pray together.
Three specific suggestions that my youth pastor once gave us were: 1) don’t lie down together, 2) don’t take off any of your clothes, and 3) don’t touch any body parts that would be covered by a swimsuit.
The Bible tells us that Jesus was tempted in every way–it didn’t say “He was tempted every way except sexually”–and yet He overcame. Part of the reason He came to Earth as a man was to relate to us and show us that it is possible to be tempted and yet not sin. And it is normal for the two of you to be tempted–sex within marriage is a gift from God, and you wouldn’t want to marry someone you weren’t physically attracted to. Anyway, hang in there–I believe you can do it with God! It will be so worth it!
Post # 16
Well sexual tension rises when something is forbidden. the key is to know yourself And to not obsess about it. Stay busy and try to avoid the opportunities.