Post # 1
Hi everyone. I’m so glad I found this board… I already know I have a long wait ahead.
Some background- both bf and I are 28 and have been dating for 1.5 years. We have such a great relationship and he always tells me he wants to be with me forever. Whenever we drink marriage comes up and we bring it up. He told me back in January (when I said I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and that marriage and kids need to be on the near horizon since I’m not getting any younger) that he needed 18 months to save up for the ring and that he had things all planned out in his head. We make a good deal of money but with student loans I actually do think it’ll take him that long to save (guessing 15-20k) since we get bonuses just once a year, etc. I’m completely fine with that time frame as long as that is a real timeframe. He also wanted to have a fall wedding, so I’m thinking fall 2013 is the likely scenario.
We recently spoke about it again (although with alcohol helping) and he reiterated doing the engagement in a year maybe a year plus a couple of months (which follows his original 18 month scenario). We also discussed saving money for the wedding itself (we’ll probably need 75k since we have huge families) and my parents prob won’t be helping.
I guess I’m just wondering since a possible engagement Is so far away, should I take him seriously that this is a real timeline? When do I bring it up again? I.e. I don’t want to pressure him, e.g. We were out and I told him he shouldn’t spend so much on something and he needed to save money and ge smirks and says save for what your ring??? I was like no, I’m not pressuring, just saying. Haha he seemed to joke about it which I thought was a good sign.
I am probably over thinking and I don’t want to bring it up too much but i do want to know he’s serious. Sorry for the long post and thanks fo reading. Thoughts?
Post # 3
Having a hard time focusing on the question, I keep getting bogged down in the fact that your ring may be 15-20k and your wedding would be 75k.
People are usually more honest when they are drinking, but otoh, he may not remember the conversation precisely. I’d take it as an indication of his thoughts, but not an actual timeline. Wait a little (you have plenty of time) and bring it up when sober would be my recommendation.
Post # 4
I’m gonna have to ditto everything kay01 said. I wouldn’t take it as a hard timeline but rather his personal thoughts on an ideal time. Give it some time and you can knock out more details later. I’ll also have to say I also got caught up on the 15-20K as well. 🙂 I don’t even know what that looks like. I mean – wow, wow, wow and wow. Is he determined to spend that much? Was that why he said it would take him 18 months before he had money to buy the ring? Is that your guestimation of what it would cost? Would you be ok with something in the 5-10K range if it made it easier for him to save quicker and perhaps push up the engagement date? Just curious.
Post # 5
I think he’s sincere especially since you know his financial situation and it’s not as if he’s making bank and not doing anything. Good luck, I know it’s hard waiting.
Post # 6
I think you both should be communicating about your future in a healthier, sober way. Really – marriage = communication. Talk to him about this when alcohol isn’t involved. Also, you wouldn’t have to wait until late 2013 for the wedding if you had a budget less….out of control? I promise you can have a really nice big wedding for half that budget. Something to consider for budgeting for your children’s future, perhaps.
Post # 7
Thanks for your input ladies. 🙂 This board is so great.
I know the $$ sounds like a lot, but we live in NYC (weddings here are so expensive!) and we have pretty good jobs. The ring guess is just based on that 2 month salary thing, which he said he wanted to comply with etc. We do have student loans and aren’t the best savers, so a part of me is worried about that aspect in regards to timing.
I think I’ll let some time pass and just enjoy things for now and bring it up again maybe at the end of the year – just hoping he really means what he says cause I wouldnt want to wait to be married much after fall 2013 (since I’ll be close to 31 by then and want a year or so of married life before kids, etc.) and figure we need at least a year or so to plan the wedding?
Post # 8
If you guys arent good savers, that seems like an awful lot of money to save in a few years.
I think you need to have a sober discussion about timelines.
Post # 9
I get expensive city weddings – I live in Boston (though I hope I’d able to do it for much less than $75k, because I refuse to go in debt for it). However, just know that the “rule” regarding 2 months salary was created by DeBeers marketing campaign in the early 20th century and it is not a required by etiquette. I say spend what you can afford that makes both of you happy – it needn’t be two months salary. (Average I read somewhere is $2100.)
Post # 10
@Marryanne007: If you are worried about it taking too long, and you aren’t the best savers, perhaps you should mention that the ring doesn;t need to cost that much, unless you think it does.
Post # 11
I agree that you need to talk about this when you are both sober. If you were sober, I would say that this a real timeline. 18 months isn’t that far away if you have a plan and know when you would like to be married, etc.
You really don’t need to spend two months salary on a ring and 75K on a wedding. I don’t mean to be preachy, but, considering your financial situation and the fact that you are not “good savers,” I’d think long and hard about this… especially since you say you want to have kids soon after you are married- and b/c you want to get married/engaged sooner rather than later.
Post # 12
I think the bf is set on this two month salary idea… I have mentioned that its not that important to me and that I dont need a designer ring or anything like that. Although, I dont think 15k is all that much considering how much we do make (we are overspenders in that we dont have a ton saved given how much we make, but we are not living beyond our means). I think he can save that money rather quickly if we stopped going out to dinners and vacations as much as we do… then again I dont know maybe he said his original timeline more because he wasn’t ready yet rather than the financial issue!?
I agree, a sober talk is probably in order. I just dont want to be overly pressuring or nagging. We generally talk about our future all the time, including details of the wedding, who would be invited, kids, etc. so at least I think his mind is in the right place.
I have already saved $20k this year and think I can save another $20k next year, so I think budgetwise a $50k wedding is definitely doable (that’s my new goal, perhaps $75k is too much!!) and that’s just coming from me, I expect some from him as well!
Anyway thanks for your thoughts!
Post # 13
I don’t think you’d be pressuring or nagging. Especially if you lead with, “We were drunk and I’d rather have this conversation sober so we both know where we stand.” It’s completely legitimate and if you talk about the future as it is I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.
I forced myself to do the sober talk after letting my dose of the liquid courage get the best of me once. I get very calm and happy and bold when I drink and subjects I’d usually hestitate to approach spill forth. 🙂 But he sounds like a great, understanding guy. Let us know how it goes.
Post # 14
@claireos Thanks 🙂 I tthink that sounds like a good idea… he really is great and I hope this waiting won’t be too bad!