Post # 1
im new here. I love the advise and ideas I have seen so I figured this was the place to post my situation and get some direction. I am in my 40’s, divorced with 3 kids. I have been with my SO for 2 years now. He is also divorced with 5 kids. When we met he was a year into a very messy and complicated split and I was just beginning my split. Both divorces took sometime but we’re final in January of this year. We were friends for 6 months before we ever decided to date. we have been together ever since. We have had issues with both ex spouses, kids, work and it hasn’t been as easy as most relationships. We’ve always worked it out. He moved due to the divorce and is now 30 minutes away not 10. the move has made things harder. We have gone weeks and not seen each other, talk and texting almost every day. We have had the discussion about moving in but never agree. I am ready now to build our life together. I want to build a house together to blend the family in our own place, not in “his” or “hers”. We have the land and money to do so. we have had the marriage talk too. I again am ready but he is wishy washy. Literally changes daily about how serious we are, marriage and moving in. Usually it stems from issues with one or both of our ex’s. I have broken up with him, moving all of his belongings out of my house, not talking, texting or seeing each other for weeks, only to cave in and get back together but with no change. Always the talk but very little action. We are having another episode where I am just unsure if I should stay and wait and keep working at this, or if I should just give up on this relationship and end it. Im not sure how long I should wait for committment, moving in together and marriage. A lot of people tell me that 2 years isn’t a long time, I agree if your in your 20’s, but feel it’s different mid 40’s with kids involved. I don’t want to be a “girlfriend” for 10 years but also dont want to rush things. How much is too much? How long is too long? What can help us stay on the same path and help end the wishy washy thoughts and feelings? You can tell I am stressed, emotional and frustrated With things the way they are.
Post # 2
As an older child of divorce (they divorced when I was 23), I’m against my parents getting married too soon. I see it as they tried it once, why not make sure it’s going to work? My younger sister of 5 years would agree. My father was dating someone with younger kids a year after my parents’ divorce, and 2 months into their relationship, she said that she wanted to be engaged within a year… I thought she was psycho (I was right). I’m not saying you’re psycho at all… but have you talked to your kids about it? Since you’re only a couple years out of your divorce… time might be what you need and possibly what they need. But maybe living closer together might help the situation? Or you two can start laying out a 5 year plan that includes marriage and building a house.
I still don’t think 2 years is that long. My mother has been with her boyfriend that long, and she won’t even let me meet him yet. However, my dad has been dating a lady for a month that lives a flight away, and he’s already talking about marrying her in the next year! I would just like some normal parents… 😉 but I do love them.
Post # 3
I’m sorry… I was 22. 21 when I was told of the split. So my younger sister was still in high school.
Post # 4
Welcome to the bee; I’m sorry your first post finds you upset and stressed out.
I can definitely sympathize with living a little drive away from each other. My SO and I live about 45 mins apart and when you throw in life, my daughter, and our work schedules we definitely don’t see each other as often as we’d like.
I agree with damarajade in that I don’t think 2 years is too long, especially considering you both have children involved and your divorces weren’t actually final until January of this year. Obviously, the big factor here is what’s best for everyone’s kids so I also second damarajade on talking with your kids and seeing where they fall emotionally, right now, with everything.
Your feelings are valid though, and if a deeper committment, marriage, and a home are what you need then the two of you do need to sit down and rough out a plan to get there. If you then see that he isn’t wanting to head that direction with you, you may need to really examine where the relationship is going.
Post # 5
On the one hand, at 33, I feel strongly that I can really tell much more easily who the right person for me is, I know what I want and I’m actually at a place in life to make a committment.
But you do have a lot going on. The combination of the long distance issues and kids involved. Sounds like good next steps would be furthering the plan to really develop this relationship by living closer or whatever you can do to work on your bond.
Post # 6
First, I don’t think that 2 years is too long. But that’s coming from somone who dater her husband for 5 years prior to getting engaged.
Second, I agree with PPs, I want to hear about what the kids think about this relationship. They don’t get to make decisions for you, but they should be taken into consideration.
Third, I think you need to talk to him about what obstacles he sees to getting married and if those are things that can be resolved. You’re never going to get rid of your exes, so if that’s the main concern, you need to just decide if it can work. Ask him what he needs to be comfortable with moving forward with your relationship. And let him know how you’re feeling and what you need from the relationship. But keep the discussion open, honestly, calm and practicle.
Post # 7
I’m also in my 40’s, divorced, with one child, and in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. He was divorced only one year when we met, and has no children. So, I think I can understand a little of what you’re going through. The long distance part of our relationship kind of caught me off guard. But, a year into our relationship, he was offered a position on the opposite side of the country. We don’t have solid plans for the future, but we both know that something has to happen at some point.
Anyway, I too think 2 years is not that long, especially given the fact that he was fresh out of a relationship when you met him. Give him time. Let him grow into the relationship. If you push him too hard, you may just push him away. Remember, he was already married before. He does not want to get into something else that may end again. So, the fact that you guys already broke up once may make him feel apprehensive. So, just stop… Stop talking about it. Stop pushing him for more. Just stop. Enjoy the relationship. Enjoy being with him. Let him see that you’re a fantastic woman and that you make life at home something pleasant to come to, and that will help him to see what life could be like with you. Talking and pushing will only create the opposite of what you want. He already knows what you want to have happen. So, just give him time to work it out within himself for a while.
Post # 8
Well I didn’t have the talk I wanted with him but I did break things off a few days after I posted. Some things came up that didn’t add up. He didn’t have a decent explanation. I chose to cut off things in person. He began calling and texting constantly but I refused to submit to it for a few days to put him thoughts in order. I did eventually return a few simple texts and the last one turned horrible. He completely twisted things around, flat out denied something’s and blamed me for things I know nothing about. A few days later he started calling doing a 180 again. I wouldn’t answerr or return his calls So the texts started. Again declaring how much he misses me, eTc. It’s just been so wishy washy. Ii refuse to engage in this. was sad and angry when it first went down now I feel like a weight is lifted off of me. my kids and friends have been a huge support and offer to talk if I need them, keep me busy, and are lining up people to introduce me to that they know will treat me and the kids fabulousl. Not in a hurry – the right person will come into my life at the right time.