Waiting when you're older

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

As an older child of divorce (they divorced when I was 23), I’m against my parents getting married too soon.  I see it as they tried it once, why not make sure it’s going to work?  My younger sister of 5 years would agree.  My father was dating someone with younger kids a year after my parents’ divorce, and 2 months into their relationship, she said that she wanted to be engaged within a year… I thought she was psycho (I was right).  I’m not saying you’re psycho at all… but have you talked to your kids about it?  Since you’re only a couple years out of your divorce… time might be what you need and possibly what they need.  But maybe living closer together might help the situation?  Or you two can start laying out a 5 year plan that includes marriage and building a house.

I still don’t think 2 years is that long.  My mother has been with her boyfriend that long, and she won’t even let me meet him yet.  However, my dad has been dating a lady for a month that lives a flight away, and he’s already talking about marrying her in the next year!  I would just like some normal parents… 😉  but I do love them.

Post # 3
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m sorry… I was 22.  21 when I was told of the split.  So my younger sister was still in high school.

Post # 4
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Welcome to the bee; I’m sorry your first post finds you upset and stressed out.

I can definitely sympathize with living a little drive away from each other. My SO and I live about 45 mins apart and when you throw in life, my daughter, and our work schedules we definitely don’t see each other as often as we’d like.

I agree with damarajade in that I don’t think 2 years is too long, especially considering you both have children involved and your divorces weren’t actually final until January of this year. Obviously, the big factor here is what’s best for everyone’s kids so I also second damarajade on talking with your kids and seeing where they fall emotionally, right now, with everything.

Your feelings are valid though, and if a deeper committment, marriage, and a home are what you need then the two of you do need to sit down and rough out a plan to get there. If you then see that he isn’t wanting to head that direction with you, you may need to really examine where the relationship is going.

Post # 5
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

On the one hand, at 33, I feel strongly that I can really tell much more easily who the right person for me is, I know what I want and I’m actually at a place in life to make a committment. 

But you do have a lot going on. The combination of the long distance issues and kids involved.  Sounds like good next steps would be furthering the plan to really develop this relationship by living closer or whatever you can do to work on your bond.

Post # 6
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, I don’t think that 2 years is too long. But that’s coming from somone who dater her husband for 5 years prior to getting engaged. 

Second, I agree with PPs, I want to hear about what the kids think about this relationship. They don’t get to make decisions for you, but they should be taken into consideration.

Third, I think you need to talk to him about what obstacles he sees to getting married and if those are things that can be resolved. You’re never going to get rid of your exes, so if that’s the main concern, you need to just decide if it can work. Ask him what he needs to be comfortable with moving forward with your relationship. And let him know how you’re feeling and what you need from the relationship. But keep the discussion open, honestly, calm and practicle.

Post # 7
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

I’m also in my 40’s, divorced, with one child, and in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. He was divorced only one year when we met, and has no children. So, I think I can understand a little of what you’re going through.  The long distance part of our relationship kind of caught me off guard. But, a year into our relationship, he was offered a position on the opposite side of the country.  We don’t have solid plans for the future, but we both know that something has to happen at some point.

Anyway, I too think 2 years is not that long, especially given the fact that he was fresh out of a relationship when you met him.  Give him time.  Let him grow into the relationship.  If you push him too hard, you may just push him away.  Remember, he was already married before.  He does not want to get into something else that may end again.  So, the fact that you guys already broke up once may make him feel apprehensive.  So, just stop… Stop talking about it.  Stop pushing him for more.  Just stop.  Enjoy the relationship.  Enjoy being with him.  Let him see that you’re a fantastic woman and that you make life at home something pleasant to come to, and that will help him to see what life could be like with you.  Talking and pushing will only create the opposite of what you want. He already knows what you want to have happen.  So, just give him time to work it out within himself for a while.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  fitchick89.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  fitchick89.
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