(Closed) Waiting women….WHY do you want to get married?!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I guess I don’t get your situation either.  How could getting married to someone be more of a commitment than a child?  You are stuck with dealing with that guy for life.  

 

I know I waited a pretty short time but I wasn’t interested in moving, selling my house,  living with him and trying for kids without being married.  I couldn’t care less about what people thought about me, my family/friends go from single mom’s to married for 50 years.   It was something inside me.  

 

That said it was something equally important to DH.  He’d been married before, his parents are divorced but he wanted us to be a team and to make us both feel like this was a serious commitment.  

Post # 4
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I moved in with my husband-then-boyfriend after I finished college.  He had just finished his first year in grad school.  While he attended school for another 2 years, I worked and established social and professional networks in the area.  As he neared graduation, he realised that he was about to enter a potentially long stage of upheaval in his life, moving around trying to find permanent work.  I pointed out to him that it would be really unwise of me to pick up and move with him, abandoning my networks, to start all over again for the sake of a boyfriend.  If we were going to continue to just date, I was going to stay there and we could go back to being long distance like we were in undergrad.

 

The way I saw it, you live with your boyfriend to figure out if it’ll work in the long run, but you don’t immediately become a “household”, where you function and move from place to place as a unit.  That’s what married couples do.

 

So he gave me quite a scare by waiting until the absolute last moment (due to a combination of nerves, pressure from parents, and wanting to give me a romantic proposal), but he proposed, as he’d always intended to do.  And so I happily moved with him for his first post-grad job, and we’re about to move again, hopefully for another job for him.

 

As far as kids: Well, we were a student and a recent grad who didn’t make very much money, we didn’t feel like kids were a wise choice, married or not, those years.  If he hadn’t proposed but we continued to live together?  I’d probably still not want kids before marriage.  I don’t have a problem with couples “shacking up” their whole lives sans-marriage, but personally, I wanted that level of commitment before deciding to have kids (obviously an “oops” is another story).  If he was never willing to give it to me, I’d question why, and if it was so he could freely get up and go when he felt like it, I wouldn’t feel secure in having children with him.  My mom raised me mostly on her own, so I know it can be done if you have to, but it drained her.  I wouldn’t willingly put myself in that position if I could help it.

Post # 5
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RugbyMum:  I don’t know about others. I can only speak for myself, I never wanted children (no maternal drive at all) so I never wanted to marry when I was younger. I had two very long term relationships and like you, the first one asked me long after I had lost interest. The second one was not someone I wanted to live with, although I loved him (he was very neurotic and would have expected me to cater to his various neuroses). Then one day in my mid forties, I fell in love and when he asked me to marry him, I didn’t want to say no. We’ve been engaged for 2 1/2 years (wedding is next month) and I am finally getting used to the idea. But I only want to marry him because I love him and it will make him happy since he wants it.

Post # 6
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RugbyMum:  Do you want to stay with your boyfriend long term? Maybe you will feel differently if you meet someone else.

Post # 7
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

totally off topic, but it sounds to me you two are just using marriage as a way to hold something back and hurt each other. 🙁

as for why I want to get married… Well, like PP I don’t expect to have kids, if it is VERY important to my SO later, I would consider for him, but I could never stay home etc. I do want to get married because I feel it’s a higher level of commitment and it is important for me. I’m not really in a rush to get married, but SO wants to get married this year (we have been together 6.5 years). 

Post # 9
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

To answer your question I want to get married because in the US (and I imagine most other places) it gives you as a couple rights you wouldn’t have otherwise. If one of us is hospitalized I want us to be able to be with each other 24/7, if I were to pass away suddenly I would want to know that my SO would be able to keep my dog, etc.

There’s also the emotional aspect of it. We already consider ourselves each other’s life partner and being able to declare that publically in the way only marriage can is important to me. Not to mention that when someone meets me for the first time and asks what my relationship with my SO is “he’s my live-in boyfriend with a car payment that I’m spending the rest of my life with” is kind of a mouthfull. 😉

Post # 10
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@batwoman: +1

@HisIrishPrincess:  “I guess I don’t get your situation either.  How could getting married to someone be more of a commitment than a child?  You are stuck with dealing with that guy for life. “

THIS

@WestCoast:  “sounds to me you two are just using marriage as a way to hold something back and hurt each other.”

THIS TOO

@RugbyMum: 

Sorry about your lack of relationship with your own father and your self proclaimed “bitterness” and “lack of trust” with men. Sounds like you have made some poor choices in men.  Kudos to you for devoting your life to your children. However your children are also learning what they live. Your attitude and relationship with both their fathers is sowing the seeds for how they will see and interact in their own future relationships. (Just as your mothers did for you.)

I think you do know what marriage is and why people want to get married.  However think it has always been unattainable to you and at this point although bf has now consented you are using it as a defense mechanism/tool. Don’t blame you. However think you would greatly benefit from therapy. Before you dismiss the idea, reread about children learning what they live. You’re their example….

Best wishes hon.

Post # 11
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@RugbyMum:  I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me personally I want to get married for a few reasons:

1. Legally, married couples in the states are afforded different benefits (tax wise) than non-married couples.

2. Being married doesn’t mean your relationship will last for your whole life, but having the paper makes it feel more permanent to me (again, this is specifically my view for my own relationship).

3. I was raised to believe in the concept of marriage before children. For me, personally, it’s important that my relationship has a solid foundation before we commit to having kids. We’ve been together more than 5 years now, but we both are on the same page in this instance (which is really nice).

And 4. As silly as this sounds, I want to be able to introduce my guy as my husband one day. I guess that isn’t the greatest reason, but the extreme happiness and contentness I feel when I think about that is enough for me.

I haven’t been pressured by my female relatives at all (or any relatives) to get married before moving in with my guy, which we’ll be doing in the next few months. It’s probably because I’m almost 25, which is still pretty young for marriage in my area (New England) of the country. I can’t really explain exactly why I want to be married, except that I adore my SO (and he adores me) and we both can visualize our futures together (it involves some adorable dogs, a home, and some kids).

Post # 12
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@RugbyMum:  I see what you are saying about wanting marriage out of insecurity, and from what you have said, that is true for you, and may be for many other people, but I can firmly say that it is not for me. Around our 4 year anniversary, he brought up marriage, but I wasn’t ready so he dropped it. When I decided I was ready I brought it up just to make sure we were eventually headed in that direction as marriage is important for me. To me as long as we’re headed in that direction, I didn’t care if it was 6 months or three years. We plan to get married this fall as I will be starting my graduate program (while still working) this winter. We could wait until after I graduate, however he especially wanted to get married now. I can say with confidence that neither of us are insecure. We are both attractive, well educated, have a strong family and have very good careers and income. 

Post # 14
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

@RugbyMum:  I would have to say my reason does revolve around wanting to start a family, especially as we don’t plan on TTC. My SO has a genetic disorder that has a 50% chance of being passed on biologically, and if it is passed on, it will be almost twice as bad as he has it. He has it fairly moderately, but his neurologist has said that any children will most likely need 24/7 care, or an OBGYN would recommend aborting the pregnancy since the baby wouldn’t survive (not trying to start a pro-life/choice debate, just stating the facts). Since neither of us want to go through either of those, we have chosen to adopt, and we know that as a married couple, we would have more luck adopting than we would as an unmarried couple.

Post # 15
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

I think youre doing a little bit of projecting here due to your past history with men and rejection from your current partner about marriage. which in turn led to insecurity, possible resentment towards him and the idea period.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i agree with PP that children imitate with what is shown in front of them. and counseling may be a good idea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my story is kinda similar to yours, ive been a single mother for nearly 12 yrs now, my sons father only seen me as a casual fling and had no interest in being a dad. i grew up an army brat, so my dad wasnt around much, which led me to seek attention in the wrong places.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my recent partner was unwilling to commit, like you, i would bring it up often. expect a proposal on every special occassion, but nothing happened for 5+ years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i wanted to break out of being ‘single mom’ and obtain a higher commitment. but i also wanted longterm companionship, a partner in life to love unconditionally.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

after staying in the maternity ward without my childs father there i made a promise to myself i would never have another child, unless im married first. which ive kept for 12yrs now. the way i see it, is if he isnt fully committed to marrying me, he wont be  actively commited to being a father. 

its easy for a guy to plant his seed where he wants without having to play an active role the way a mother can. i wanted a man who was all in, marriage and children wise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i wanted the social status to be recognized as his wife, to be entitled to the same benefits as every other married couple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

given all my history and heart ache with men, i still havent given up on the idea. and i never will. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

honestly i dont think youve completely given up on it either. your relationship sounds like one big power struggle. when you wanted marriage, he rejected you, didnt take you seriously. now that you’ve stopped ‘caring’ he’s come around to it, so youre rejecting him, and you now have the upperhand. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@RugbyMum:  I don’t think wanting a marital commitment as a standard has anything to do with insecurities, although I am sure that it is a factor in some cases.

My reason for wanting marriage vs. just agreeing to live together forever is that it is an official commitment to a future together, and it means more to me to actually enter into a legal agreement than just saying “sure, we’ll stay together”. 

If you don’t want to get married (IMO) it is because you can’t say for certain that you wish to share the rest of your life with that person. That in itself is not a problem, but if one part of a relationship wishes to fully commit to a future together then it doesn’t work if the other isn’t 100% in agreement.

The answers you’re getting here are no less objective than your own thesis which is built on your own experiences

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