Post # 1
Gee, even weddingbee is mocking me by asking for my wedding date…
My boyfriend and I have been together for the past three years. In that time, we’ve discussed marriage, children, building a life together, etc. However, we have yet to make any of that happen. He’s told me that he wants to do things the “right” way-to propose with a ring, to have the ceremony he thinks I want so that I don’t have regrets later, to be able to provide for a wife and a family (as he still lives at home). I believe that if he really wanted to propose, he’d do it. He’d be saving money towards a ring, a ceremony, a place to live. He’d be looking into getting a better, higher paying job so he could put aside money. He’d understand that I’m not really in love with the idea of living together before we’re even engaged.
When Obama won, he told me we’d have some “serious things to talk about.” He asked me my ring size months ago. I’m trying to wait patiently, but I don’t really see anything happening. I see guys with less money finding ways to propose, and I’m starting to wonder if he just doesn’t want to marry me. He’s turning 30 this year, and I kind of hope that will be the big push he needs to get it done. I’m just getting frustrated with waiting.
Post # 3
I can understand how you feel.
I’m waiting too…although I’m not frustrated, I can sympathize. Just continue to have faith that he’s going to propose.
He may be planning something big and that’s why he may not have done it yet.
Post # 4
Please read THIS! Most of the advice you’ll get from us can be summed up in that one post.
Welcome to WB! The Waiting board will be your new best friend. 🙂
Post # 5
Welcome to the Waiting board! Isnt that annoying that you have to enter a wedding date to sign up? Ugh its like salt to the wound :/ Sounds like alot of us are in the same boat as you, luckily the waiting girls are super supportive and helpful!
Post # 6
just to make you feel a little better….
I had to wait 7 years before getting engaged. I went through the whole “maybe he doesn’t want to marry me and I’m wasting my time” phase multiple times. And that was while we were living together.
Needless to say good things come to those who wait, he may have the ring right now and you don’t know it.
If there was one thing I learned through the process of all of this is that for women we are so anxious to get married and start that phase of our lives, but the mentality of men is that they want to have a nest egg to make sure they can take care of things. It’s still very old school, but it’s important to them, and we need to be sensitive to their needs just as much as they do to ours.
Post # 7
not to be a wet blanket and i dont kn u or ur guy but do u really want to start a marriage right now when he isnt able to take care of u or a family .i kn u r frustrated i am too but he has a valid point. i think u guys should focus on getting him to be more independent then the wedding talk.
Post # 8
I am right there with you! J’s friend who is dirt poor and not working just got engaged to his stripper girlfriend of 4 months…yeah, that made me feel AWESOME.
I know that it’s incredibly hard to watch guys with less money find a way to propose– I always think “if he can find a way, then why can’t you?!” but I know that J thinks I deserve more than that, and from what it sounds like, your boyfriend does too. It’s good to have a man who wants to give you the best, rather than one who thinks you’ll accept the minimum. Keep your chin up! I know it’s hard, though…I struggle with this too.
Post # 9
Welcome to Weddingbee! You’ll love it! It’s a great place to vent and let out that anxiety!
We have some fantastic waiting (and engaged/married) bee’s here who are very supportive!!!
Post # 10
Engagement aside, it sounds like there may be other issues if he’s almost 30 and still living at home. I understand this is an economic necessity for some people, but it’s bothering you that he has absolutely no firm plan for eventually moving out. Not to discredit previous posters, but I think it would be a little foolish to assume that he’s planning a proposal right this minute. Given your particular relationship, if he’s content with how things are it might be years before he’ll actually pull it together enough to propose. It sounds like he’s not really ready or interested in this next stage in life. Does he know how important this is to you? If you say you’re not keen on moving in together without being engaged, I would stand firm on that.
Post # 11
Cinnamon roll, I’m glad you wrote that. So well-put. I kinda wanted to address those issues, but I was thinking that if I advise her to enact “The Plan,” then at least she would focus more on herself and not on this guy who really doesn’t seem to be in the same place as her. But, what you said needed to be said.
HopefulMrs, I really hate to say it but I am doubtful that he has a “nest egg” or anything else in preparation for a marriage if he has not even taken steps toward living an independent adult life at the age of 30, first of all. Not to mention, entering into a marriage partnership without ever having done that is not likely to lead to much marital success, IMO. Please be careful with how much you are investing into this relationsihp, while you are still unsure of how much he plans on putting into it! This was why I wanted to steer you toward “Mr. Bee’s Plan.” It’s great advice no matter what stage of a relationship you are in!
Please keep us updated, we would love to help offer advice or encouragement as things progress!
Post # 12
His plan for moving out is that we move to a new place together. I also live at home, renting my parent’s downstairs apartment. We live in NYC…everything is so expensive that it doesn’t really make sense to move out. Last year he and a friend talked about moving in together and were looking at apartments, but everything was too expensive. He pays some of the bills in his parent’s home, but his job isn’t a high paying one. From what I’ve heard, marriage is about building a foundation together. I don’t expect him to “take care” of me or support me financially, I’m always going to make more money because I have a higher degree.
I’ve kind of been enacting “the plan”, except I mention marriage too much. He’s said there are some changes he’d like to see in me before he makes the “ultimate commitment,” but I’m worried that he’s not even considering it. Maybe I’m just not ready to be a wife. He definitely doesn’t have a ring already, or a nest egg.
A part of me feels like he cares enough to make sure that he’s settled financially and can fulfill the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. Another part of me wonders why it’s taking so long if he really wants to do it. He’s told me that he wants it to happen, it’s going to happen, and that I should stop pressuring him. we’ve discussed it…but it’s so hard to watch other people move on with their lives and get engaged, married, have children.
I’m just not as hopeful as I used to be. I guess I just need to be honest with myself.
Post # 13
Welcome to the ‘bee!
Ok, first of all…Wanting changes out of YOU before making a commitment is a big red flag. Not to be mean (but this is a little blunt, sorry!!!!) but if he loves you and wants to marry you, he’ll take you as you are. My Fiance pushes me to get off the couch and exercise, but he never tells me he’d love me less if I didn’t, nor does he force me to. He loves me for who I am, and sometimes just wants a workout buddy–not for me to change.
I think you need to get some sort of a plan together with him for the next year. Ask him where he wants to be in a year, what steps he’s going to take to do that, and then start following Mr. Bee’s advice. If you leave him to do it and he doesn’t/keeps saying you need to change, then probably he’s not going to do it. I think that establishing some sort of goal and steps to get there would be a healthy thing for you two to do, together.
Post # 14
Changes as far as letting my emotions get the best of me, cooking more often and keeping my place a little neater…not changes like losing 30 pounds, or superficial stuff that isn’t going to benefit me in some way. I’m not making excuses for him but I feel like maybe my last post wasn’t clear.
Post # 15
You know what, ladies? I’m reading over my posts and I sound pretty selfish. I should be happy that he wants to take his time and provide for a family. I should be happy that he’s considerate enough to want to do things the “right” way, like proposing when he can afford a ring, and wanting to give me the wedding I’ve always wanted instead of going down to a courthouse.
The problem is, I’m focused on a wedding, and he’s focused on a marriage. If I really want to spend the rest of my life with this man, then why can’t I wait? We both have a lot of work to do, separately and as a couple. We haven’t shown each other that we’re capable of functioning on the next level yet…so I can wait.
Post # 16
I do understand where you are coming from but the only thing I can tell you is that I don’t think he is being realistic with you. Honestly, I come from an expensive city as well, Miami, FL and my SO and I made it work, he told me those little things he wanted me to change and I changed them for myself not for him. We also bought a house ourselves and moved in together. He will be 25 this year. He doesn’t have a degree and he doesnt have what we would consider a high paying job. I think that your SO is finding excuses or just isn’t ready to settle down. Will is be that he finally realizes this at 35 or 40? Are you willing to wait that long… These are just things to think about. There is really no “right way” of things there is just a right way in your relationship and your eyes. What may be right for him may not be for you and vice versa.
Just remember that a relationship is a two way street and not just he wants this and he wants that…. You must both contirbute to it to push forward and suceed.