WaitingBees, is this normal?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I don’t necessarily think it’s weird. Before signing up on WB, I had never really heard of or known anyone who discussed timelines, went ring shopping with their guy, or was even aware that the proposal was coming around “x/xx/xx” date. 

I think society and culture has kinda stamped it in the minds of women that we just sit and wait until the guy makes the move.. But I honestly believe and agree with the fact that a relationship is 2 people – not just the guy, so it should at least be discussed.

for what it’s worth.. My guy would never tell me a specific date either, or take me ring shooing with him. I’m ok with that part though. 

 

Post # 4
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

I’ve been with my SO 3+ years and living together for 1 also! We went to a jeweler together only because I have tiny hands and needed to get sized and try styles on in person. Other than that, he’s doing everything completely on his own and doesn’t even want his sister and SIL to help. He’s said it’s going to be a total surprise, so I won’t have any idea when it’s happening either!
If you’re really curious, you can have a general timeline talk of “where do you see us in a couple years”. But to specifically answer your question, I don’t think it’s weird (even if it can drive you crazy!) that he won’t give any hints.

Post # 5
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Our process to engagement was one long practical discussion. We’re already engaged (though we don’t have the ring yet) and the only “surprise” is going to be when he gives me the ring sometime this holiday season. It’s a sweet gesture he wants to do. For us, we really wanted to sit down and talk about what the next five years of our life would look like, and that included engagement, marriage, when to TTC. That’s our personality as a couple.

However, and I am SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS I COULD JUST DIE A MILLION TIMES, my brother is going to surprise his girlfriend in early 2014 with a ring. They’ve talked about marriage but only loosely. He came to me and asked if I’d mind us being engaged at the same time. UM is he crazy that is so awesome!!! So some people do get a surprise. She will have no idea its coming.

Post # 6
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Mine was a total surprise…In fact, my now husband swore he wouldn’t propose on a day I’d expect him to (like anniversary, holilday, etc)…didn’t include me in ring shopping either.

I wouldn’t have had it any other way…it was awesome!

Best of luck to you.  Sit tight…and in the meantime, good to gather up some ideas and wedding planning tips.  I didn’t do any of that and had to hit the ground running!

Post # 7
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I didn’t go ring shopping with SO..he did ask what I like, but I really have no idea what my ring looks like. Before joining WB, I never really thought about a timeline or anything like that, but I think what others have said makes sense: this is not HIS relationship, its YOUR (plural) relationship. You have the right to have a say in if and when your relationship moves forward.

I, for one, am glad that my proposal and ring will be a surprise – it’s just what I and SO want, BUT I have also had serious conversations with SO about my expectations in this relationship. They have been productive (for the most part), two-sided talks that have left us both feeling like we know what we want and when we want it. 

At this point, SO has the ring and has told me it will happen sometime in the fall, so for now, I am shutting up about it. But if I was in your position, I would have a conversation with him about his views on the topic and you should share yours as well.

Post # 8
Member
23 posts
Newbee

@BallerinaBarbie:  where are you from?

Im from the Uk and overhere its very unusual for a couple to go look at rings and choose/buy one prior to the proposal.

From everyone i know here (friends/family/work collegues) its common that either the guy proposes with a ring and its a complete surprise OR he proposes without a ring or with a token ring (nothing too expensive but with sentiment behind it eg. a birthstone ring) and then the couple go choose out a ring together afterward.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@BallerinaBarbie:  I agree with PP- I never knew there were discussions about timelines- or at least that they were so common.  

FI and I had talked about wanting to get engaged, but I don’t remember really ever putting a real “date” in there.  I think it’s absolutely adorable that he wants to surprise you.  And I think it’s totally normal.

My FI was way too scared to buy a ring without me- he knows NOTHING about jewelry/style/etc…..and so we looked online together.  We never went shopping in the store together though….

Post # 10
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t think it’s weird at all if he chooses to keep you totally in the dark about it.  It really depends on a guys personality and if these are decisions he feels comfortable making on his own, whether he feels it’s necessary to propose with a ring, etc.  There are SO many factors.

My SO wanted to propose with a ring but he is very practical and wasn’t comfortable deciding on a ring for me, he wanted to make sure I loved it so he wanted my help.  After one trip where I felt uncertain about everything we looked at, the second time around I found 2 settings that I absolutely loved.  The intention was to let him decide between those two and surprise me, but that part got spoiled by my overhearing something.  At any rate, the rest of it will be a surprise…  I have no idea how he plans to propose and only a rough idea of when it will happen.

I agree with others who have said that the best thing for you to do is ask him what he sees in your future next few years together, it’s your life too 🙂

 

Post # 11
Member
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

DH and I talked that we were going to get married. there was no discussion on when we were going to get engaged or by what date it would happen. We did not go ring shopping together. We basically had a 2 sentence conversation, once, 8 months before he proposed, about rings. That was it.

I honestly figured out he was proposing about 2 minutes before he got down on one knee. It was a surprise in all ways

Post # 12
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

We’re like you and your SO– he loves, loves loves suprises and I HATE HATE HATE them! He wants every aspect to be a suprise, while I want to have a say on the ring and timeline. Unfortunately for him, we have to contend with visa paperwork so his grand visions of a complete suprise proposal are not really feasible. We’ve tried to come to a compromise after I mentioned that we’re entering into the marriage as partners and I should be at least somewhat clued into the engagement process/timing as well. Although the proposal is “about him,” he’s not the only one who gets a say in everything! I now have a very vague idea of his timeline and he has a very vague idea of what kind of ring and proposal I would prefer (All I’ve said is a non-public proposal and a ring with a round stone). 

Post # 13
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Well where I’m from its common for the proposal to be a surprise. I went looking at rings with my SO and everyone thought we were shopping for wedding bands, but if my SO didn’t have the fear of me not loving my ring we would have never gone ring shopping. He will be surprising me …well he says he wants to try ( sucks at it and I’m trying not to be to nosey and let him have his wish) so I won’t know when it will happen and I love it we are just enjoying us until finances are where we want it to be.

To me there is no right or wrong way. We are doing a little of both. As long as it isn’t forced or anything if both parties in the realtionship are in agreement then thats all that matters.  

Post # 14
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

@BallerinaBarbie:  

 

My SO was like yours.  He thought everything should be a surprise.  I didn’t realize there was such a thing as a timeline until I found the bee.  Reading all of these other stories gave me the courage to bring up a timeline.  He didn’t want to give me one and told me to just not worry about it.  It was driving me crazy though!  I’m 30, soon to be 31, so I am really starting to feel my clock ticking and needed to make sure we were on the same page.  I ended up breaking down on him after a good friend announced her engagement.  He was finally able to see how much it bothered me to not have any idea what’s going on in his head re: marriage.  That’s when he finally told me that he saw us being together between 2-3 years before getting engaged.  It was a very emotional conversation for both of us but it ended up being very productive.  We celebrated our 2 year anniversary in August!  So it could be anytime between now and next August, other than that I don’t have a clue.  I’m actually looking forward to the surprise.  I love surprises so although our timeline isn’t as specific as some other bees it works perfect for us.  I don’t stress about it as much (although I have my moments) and he still gets his surprise. 

 

As far as rings go, that happened little by little.  I think he originally planned to pick it all by himself.  I told my SO that my friend was going ring shopping and that turned into a conversation about me wanting a moissanite instead of a diamond.  I think that’s when he realized his idea of an engagement ring might be different than mine.  When we got together with my newly engaged friend and her fiance she showed us her ring and he started asking questions about whether that’s a style that I like.  He said maybe sometime I should send him an email with pictures of what I like.  I let it go for a little while then brought up a few weeks later that he had said that and he said that would be a good idea and to make sure I included my ring size.  I realized I had no clue what that was so I went to a jewelry store to get sized and try on a few things while I was there.  I ended up finding my dream ring.  Instead of sending him an email with general styles I sat him down and told him I went to the jeweler and gave him his card and showed him the picture I took of it.  I was sooo nervous to tell him about it.  I really intended to give him a general idea of what I want and then let him pick it out from there but once I saw my dream ring there was no going back.  He was so cute though.  He took notes on the back of the business card about it including the size, the forever brilliant moissanite I want, and even drew a little sketch of the ring!  I’m sure glad we had a discussion about rings though!  He told me after showing him what I want that he always pictured just a solitaire on a plain band.  That is definitely NOT what I want so it was a really good thing he wanted my input.  He will definitely not let me know when he has it though.  At this point I am just keeping my mouth shut and letting him do his thing. 

 

Have you asked him his thoughts on a timeline for engagement?  I agree with a PP that you should ask him about where he sees you guys in a couple of years.  Good luck!

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