Post # 1
I don’t know if this is the appropriate forum, since it seems like most of the ladies on here have at least a hint that a wedding is in their cards.
I am 29 (nearly 30 – gah!) and have had several long-ish term relationships, with varying degrees of success. I don’t think I have too much baggage, have my life generally together, and feel like I’m becoming the happy, well-adjusted adult I always hoped I would be. 🙂
I am currently in the best relationship I have ever been in, but without going into too many details, for reasons beyond our control (visa and nationality issues) it may not work out.
That is not really the issue though. The issue is that I feel like if this particular relationship doesn’t work out, I will have to “start over” with someone else. And at 30-31, I feel like my chances for meeting someone are much lower than in my 20s. And if that one doesn’t work out, I’m just older, repeat, ad infinitum…To add to my feelings of depression, my mother passed away this year, and I am absolutely devastated she never got to see my wedding.
I always wanted to be married – I’m not so concerned with the big wedding, the dress, the party. But i want a shared partnership with someone I love, and a shared life, and to be someone’s wife and mother. I am scared I will never have that.
Am I in fact too old? At what point do we give up? Should I give up at all? What hope do I hold on to in those moments when I feel like I’ll end up alone?
Post # 3
@DoubleE: *HUG* NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURENDER! Love, man…she’s a b*tch.
I will be honest. I think it all has to do with your clock. If your clock isn’t ticking then you have SOOOO MUCH of your life to find that special relationship, and the fact that people are living so much longer now, means that if we don’t run into our husbands until later on in life it isn’t the end of the world. Now, if your clock is ticking then you have another issue on your hand.
Back when people started getting offically married ’til death do you part’ ment 20-30 years. Now people live til their 80’s, average. You can actually have the space to have 2 lifetime loves. My parents have been together 30+ years and after so much time…sometimes people grow apart. you both aren’t the same people you were when you met. Some things don’t last forver. If my parents were to separate (which I would never wish) I know they could “bounce back” and find another person to spend at least another 25 years with. Isn’t that crazy? People live so long now…
Post # 4
First of all, I just want to express how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. That must have been devistating.
I totally understand where you’re coming from with wanting to be married and being scared that you’re running out of time. It is the hardest thing to deal with and rationalize in your head. Obviously, @Sapphire-Dreamer is right, you should never give up!
I’m about to turn 28 and got out of a really serious relationship 3 months ago. I’m trying to get comfortable with the idea of “starting over”, but it’s very scary. You need to do what’s right for you in this situation, and if you aren’t sure it will work out with your current SO, it may be best just to call it quits before you invest even more time and energy. Just remember that settling with the wrong person is far worse than holding out for the right one!
Post # 5
I didn’t meet my SO until I was 31. I wasn’t too fussed about it in the meantime as I had a HORROR of “settling”. I went on some really atrocious dates and spent most of my late 20s single. I had a great time. I walked away from a 5 year relationship in my late 20s and figured… that I was probably screwed in finding a partner, but would rather be alone than be settling just to get married.
Anyhow I met mine at 31, now I’m 32 and we are aiming for a 2014 wedding and I’m waiting on a proposal in the next few months.
If the relationship is that great though, I would give it a shot. I just went through the worst few months of my entire life thanks to SO’s visa problem, so just know that in (most) cases, there are things that can be done.
Post # 6
You still have time.
I was with someone for almost two years, and was just shy of 29 when we broke up. I met my soon-to-be-FI not long thereafter, and my life is totally different (in an amazing, good way!).
I don’t think you should give up on finding your soul mate if this relationship doesn’t work out for you. You also shouldn’t be afraid of being alone.
Post # 7
You’re so young!!! I was alone for almost 14 years. 14 YEARS. From 24 to 37 – what should have, I thought, been the prime of my dating life. And then I met my wonderful H – he was 40. Neither of us had ever been married, and we’re so glad we found each other at long last!!
Post # 8
I agree with Sapphire…never give up! I had a string of bad relationships in my 20s. I met my SO at age 32 and we’re approaching 3 years together. I feel this is my first healthy adult relationship.
Post # 9
@DoubleE: You won’t be alone forever and I don’t think you’re ever too old to start over. You didn’t give too many details, but if the visa issues do work out, would you want to marry the guy you’re with? Have you discussed marriage? I think talking about marriage in any relationship is fair game. If he is unwilling to talk about it, but still wants sex and a relationship then I think you need to decide whether you’re ok with that, or move on and find a guy who is the marrying kind.
Post # 10
If this one doesn’t work out, don’t give up hope.
When I was 32 I felt that way too. I had just broke up with someone I was with for 3 years and finally had the attitude F*&K it, I’m better of by myself. I was seriously happy with who I was then. I wasn’t looking for another relationship and 32 days to the day I broke up with the ex, I met the ONE!
Granted, we aren’t married yet and it is almost 8 years later, but he is the ONE!
Now to get him to the jewelry store!!! LOL
Post # 11
Don’t give up hope! My cousin met her husband June 2011, got engaged Sept 2011 and married December 2011. ANYTHING could happen. She’s a year older than me, 32yrs old.
Youth doesn’t mean anything. Hell, I didn’t want to settle down until I met my SO at 27. Plus, 20 to 27 I didn’t even meet anyone worth thinking about marrying. So get that youth stuff out of your head. 🙂
Post # 12
Post # 13
Thank you for all the encouragement and support. Its great to hear people’s stories and know that it’s not impossible to find love and marriage in your 30s (but I’m still scared that its not as likely)!
@throughthebarricades brings a good point about making sure he’s in it for the same things, should our visa/career situation get sorted out. How did you guys bring this up with your SOs? We’ve been “official” for 9 months but have been, for all practical purposes, “together” for all practical purposes for a little over a year, and good friends for about 3 years before that. I don’t want to push him, as he’s dealing with a lot of life transitions right now, but once he’s through some of those in a few months, how do I broach the subject without sounding like I’m giving a scary ultimatum?
Or are there previous threads that have discussed this that I can be directed to?
Post # 14
Once he’s under a little less pressure, I’d just sit down when you’re both calm (I reccommend a glass of wine as well) and start talking about where he sees himself in five years. That can help him voice what his plans might be without leading off with “do you think we are going to get married”
You’re totally wise to wait until things settle a bit for him – because if there are really visa problems, he may NOT know where he’ll be in five years and it will be hard for him to wrap his head around everything.
After you get that conversation going, it is easy to flow into if he eventually would like marriage, children, whatnot without it feeling like an ambush. Also, it will be good for you to listen to what he wants in the next five years of his life, and see if those plans could be compatable with yours and what you want.
Post # 15
Believe me when I say, I know how you feel! I’ve desperately wanted to be married all of my adult life, and I spent many, many hours searching and dating through personals and thousands of dollars on matchmaking services. I had a period of 10 years not in a relationship. I finally found my husband-to-be. I’m 38 and he’s 37. I never would have imagined it would take this long, but I didn’t give up. It’s hard, but don’t give up! Keep a positive attitude and trust that the relationship you desire will be worth the wait, and when it comes, you will not take it for granted.