Walking dates. do you tell your SO?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@alicewhite87:  In my relationship, it would not fly to leave without warning. We operate on the idea that you can’t really be that upset at the other person if your expectations are not clear. I used to get so upset at SO about things that he did/didn’t do that I wasn’t happy about, and he was like “Babe I’m sorry but I’m not a mind reader and I didn’t know it would make you upset”. If I was upset enough to leave at a certain date and didn’t tell him, he would be incredibly hurt. 

I think he may know you’re upset but he’s comfortable and doesn’t want to change anything. He probably does not realize that you are considering leaving him over it because he is so comfortable. Some people may need that push to get out of their comfort zone. You have been asking him so long for a timeline and he hasn’t given you any answers – but there are two of you in the relationship! You can make a timeline yourself and ask if he’s comfortable with it. If he is, that’s your timeline. You don’t have to wait for him. 

Post # 4
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I had a “walking date”, and I didn’t tell him (until after he proposed.) Like you, I didn’t like the idea of an ultimatum.

That being said, if I had gotten to that point, I might have had a “Come to Jesus” conversation instead. Age may factor into this as well- I was 40 when we got married, so my viewpoint was almost “enough already… ^&*& or get off the toilet.”

Post # 5
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Agreed, if you tell him the walk date, it’s effectively giving an ultimatum.

I’m not in the situation, but I would ensure that he knew my thoughts without outright saying it… there would be no surprise once I actually did walk unless he was totally thick.

Post # 8
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

alicewhite87

it does sound like an ultimatum. im a hopless romantic and have been to the point , at 6 years where i have been ready and wondering if he really does love me or if he is just comfy . i had people at work as me things like “well how long are you going to wait.. ten year mark or in one year or what?” … well thats a personal question. things like that made me think worse thoughts like something might have been wrong with me. I think if you really love him you will consider his feelings as well. you dont want to push him into it.  If he says he loves you and will marry you… that he is just not ready right now, and you trust him ( in most relationships you should trust your partner) then isnt he worth waiting for? i just kept thinking to myself that i shouldnt marry a man i didnt think was worth waiting for. that if i thought about leaving just because i was impatient towards his feelings  (because making a desicion that changes your whole life isnt easy). then he wasnt the man for me. 6 and a half years total went by and well he asked me. if i had walked away and he had asked me after… i would have said yes. your hesitance makes me wonder if you truely love him. i think you should talk with him in detail about if its because hes not ready? or what?  i just think giving them an ultimatum is asking for trouble down the road.

 

rebwana

Dhs grandma told him to shit or get off the pot…. hes like its def not that same thing!! haha. but it was pretty funny coming from her.

 

Post # 11
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I joked with my SO that he has until the end of 2014 or else he needs to pack his bags and get the hell out. it was all in good humor but he took it seriously, and plans to propose before then. Although I would never actually leave the relationship if it didn’t happen this year. 

Post # 12
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@alicewhite87:  I think you make a very compelling point.  Honestly, I think that either way you do it (give him the date or not) depending on the delivery and the genunine intent it could come off as a power play (aka an ultimatium) or as genuine (not an ultimatium).

I think it’s a follow your heart thing.  Think about it deeply and choose the right path.  Your reasoning is very sound.  I can imagine the “right” approach also has to do with your particular SO’s communication style. 

Post # 13
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

@alicewhite87:  You need to do what is best for you and focus on yourself. If he is serious about you, he WILL get himself together without walkdates from you or ultimatums.  If he fears that is is possible he will lose you and not you just saying it but you really and truly living your life as if you are prepared to move on, he will get himseld together

ALSO, having a kid and marrying are two different issues. People might disagree with me but you should NOT be marrying someone just because you have a kid together. Maybe it should be a cnsideration as in we are already a family, why not make it offical? But it being THE reason for marriage is not a good idea. The realtionship with him is one you should want independent of the child.

Post # 14
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

When I first joined this website, I had a ‘walk date’, and I’m honestly embarrassed to admit that.  No, my SO didn’t know about it.

One day about 6 months ago, we had an honest talk about our goals, where we were headed and what we wanted out of life.  It then became apparant to me 1) my walk date was before my SO was ready and achieved his life goals 2)  walk dates are really not important in the long run if you really want to be with your guy for the rest of your life. 

Good Luck!

Post # 16
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

@alicewhite87:  But you and I are saying the same thing. He sees you as “stuck” because of the baby. Your actions (i.e. you start getting yourself together physically, financially, mentally etc to be alone) will let him know that you do not have to stay with him. You are choosing to be with him and he needs to lock that option in by marrying you.

I have a kid too, although I planned mine, and his reaction to me before was whatever, leave if you want and why get married? But that is because by my ACTIONS I was letting him know that I wasn’t going anywhere even though my words were saying something different. Once I stopped talking about it but started doing something about it i.e. not letting his bs get to me and getting myself ready to move on, a light bulb went off on his head. He is know working two jobs trying to get money together for the ring, wedding etc.

Your attitude should be yeah, I am here now but don’t take that for granted. “I am choosing to be here but I don’t have to be here.” Now go and do whatever you need to do to make that happen.

You are trying to negotiate with him from a position of powerlessness. You will always lose if that is what you do.

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