Post # 1
Just wondering if people tell their SO’s their walking date (in the situation where you are waiting for the commitment that never seems to happen)?
In my opinion I would not tell my SO. I have asked for a time frame of a proposal, marriage, etc., but the only response I receive is eventually it will happen, I don’t know, and don’t worry about it. We have known each other just shy of 7 years and have dated for 4 years next month. I believe a little respect could at least be considered in his responses. When/if I walk and he then proposes I plan to say no. I have told him what I need in the relationship to be happy and he knows I have been ready for 2.5 years to move to the next level, but it’s either not what he wants which means we are not on the same path or he just doesn’t care, and it would be hard for me to say yes to a proposal in either situation.
I have read that some people think you should tell your SO because it would leave then shocked wondering what happened. In my opinion I feel like giving your SO the date makes it seem more like an ultimatum.
Just wondering what anyone else’s opinions are?
Post # 3
@alicewhite87: In my relationship, it would not fly to leave without warning. We operate on the idea that you can’t really be that upset at the other person if your expectations are not clear. I used to get so upset at SO about things that he did/didn’t do that I wasn’t happy about, and he was like “Babe I’m sorry but I’m not a mind reader and I didn’t know it would make you upset”. If I was upset enough to leave at a certain date and didn’t tell him, he would be incredibly hurt.
I think he may know you’re upset but he’s comfortable and doesn’t want to change anything. He probably does not realize that you are considering leaving him over it because he is so comfortable. Some people may need that push to get out of their comfort zone. You have been asking him so long for a timeline and he hasn’t given you any answers – but there are two of you in the relationship! You can make a timeline yourself and ask if he’s comfortable with it. If he is, that’s your timeline. You don’t have to wait for him.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I had a “walking date”, and I didn’t tell him (until after he proposed.) Like you, I didn’t like the idea of an ultimatum.
That being said, if I had gotten to that point, I might have had a “Come to Jesus” conversation instead. Age may factor into this as well- I was 40 when we got married, so my viewpoint was almost “enough already… ^&*& or get off the toilet.”
Post # 5
Agreed, if you tell him the walk date, it’s effectively giving an ultimatum.
I’m not in the situation, but I would ensure that he knew my thoughts without outright saying it… there would be no surprise once I actually did walk unless he was totally thick.
Post # 6
@rebwana: how far apart was the proposal to the walking date?
Post # 7
@canarydiamond: in October 2012 I had told him my time frame was may 2013. I ended up getting pregnant even though I took the morning after pill (just must have been time for me to have a baby) and I told him that since may 2013 fell into the midst of me being pregnant and I didn’t want people thinking oh they got engaged because they are pregnant to not worry about that time frame. I thought he would still be thinking ahhh she had wanted engaged in so many months I better ask her soon after the baby, but now it’s been six months and as of this week he said he has no plan, no timeline, no ring picked out, he may as well added no motivation.
Post # 8
it does sound like an ultimatum. im a hopless romantic and have been to the point , at 6 years where i have been ready and wondering if he really does love me or if he is just comfy . i had people at work as me things like “well how long are you going to wait.. ten year mark or in one year or what?” … well thats a personal question. things like that made me think worse thoughts like something might have been wrong with me. I think if you really love him you will consider his feelings as well. you dont want to push him into it. If he says he loves you and will marry you… that he is just not ready right now, and you trust him ( in most relationships you should trust your partner) then isnt he worth waiting for? i just kept thinking to myself that i shouldnt marry a man i didnt think was worth waiting for. that if i thought about leaving just because i was impatient towards his feelings (because making a desicion that changes your whole life isnt easy). then he wasnt the man for me. 6 and a half years total went by and well he asked me. if i had walked away and he had asked me after… i would have said yes. your hesitance makes me wonder if you truely love him. i think you should talk with him in detail about if its because hes not ready? or what? i just think giving them an ultimatum is asking for trouble down the road.
Dhs grandma told him to shit or get off the pot…. hes like its def not that same thing!! haha. but it was pretty funny coming from her.
Post # 9
@souza_2005: I do love him, however I am not believer in only one thru love. I believe there are a few true loves for every person and will compliment your love differently then another true love might.
My SO was thrilled to be having a baby, he was always saying he was ready. How can he be ready to have a baby with me, but not be ready to marry me? It’s sort of insulting.
He had said that it’s not that he doesn’t want to marry me, but that it just is not important to him. That it’s just basically a legal matter and wouldn’t actually affect our life as he said we are practically married.
Post # 10
He told me he would never consider marrying a woman that he hasn’t lived with so I am considering approaching the topic this way:
You told me that you would never consider marrying a woman that you haven’t lived with so I agreed to move in with you believing we were taking our relationship to the next level because we had started ring shopping a few months prior. It has now been 2.5 years since we moved in and I believe that leaves you with enough living experience to decide if want to marry me and actually take the next step in our relationship. I plan to move out within a month so you can independently have time to consider our relationship
Post # 11
I joked with my SO that he has until the end of 2014 or else he needs to pack his bags and get the hell out. it was all in good humor but he took it seriously, and plans to propose before then. Although I would never actually leave the relationship if it didn’t happen this year.
Post # 12
@alicewhite87: I think you make a very compelling point. Honestly, I think that either way you do it (give him the date or not) depending on the delivery and the genunine intent it could come off as a power play (aka an ultimatium) or as genuine (not an ultimatium).
I think it’s a follow your heart thing. Think about it deeply and choose the right path. Your reasoning is very sound. I can imagine the “right” approach also has to do with your particular SO’s communication style.
Post # 13
@alicewhite87: You need to do what is best for you and focus on yourself. If he is serious about you, he WILL get himself together without walkdates from you or ultimatums. If he fears that is is possible he will lose you and not you just saying it but you really and truly living your life as if you are prepared to move on, he will get himseld together
ALSO, having a kid and marrying are two different issues. People might disagree with me but you should NOT be marrying someone just because you have a kid together. Maybe it should be a cnsideration as in we are already a family, why not make it offical? But it being THE reason for marriage is not a good idea. The realtionship with him is one you should want independent of the child.
Post # 14
When I first joined this website, I had a ‘walk date’, and I’m honestly embarrassed to admit that. No, my SO didn’t know about it.
One day about 6 months ago, we had an honest talk about our goals, where we were headed and what we wanted out of life. It then became apparant to me 1) my walk date was before my SO was ready and achieved his life goals 2) walk dates are really not important in the long run if you really want to be with your guy for the rest of your life.
Post # 15
@bluefrog33: I completely agree our marriage should be independent of the baby. I guess that may be one of my doubts with him as well because sometimes he says well we have a baby together, why are you worried about getting married, it’s not like either of us are going anywhere? Sometimes since I had her I almost feel like he has made our relationship more about her than us.
Post # 16
@alicewhite87: But you and I are saying the same thing. He sees you as “stuck” because of the baby. Your actions (i.e. you start getting yourself together physically, financially, mentally etc to be alone) will let him know that you do not have to stay with him. You are choosing to be with him and he needs to lock that option in by marrying you.
I have a kid too, although I planned mine, and his reaction to me before was whatever, leave if you want and why get married? But that is because by my ACTIONS I was letting him know that I wasn’t going anywhere even though my words were saying something different. Once I stopped talking about it but started doing something about it i.e. not letting his bs get to me and getting myself ready to move on, a light bulb went off on his head. He is know working two jobs trying to get money together for the ring, wedding etc.
Your attitude should be yeah, I am here now but don’t take that for granted. “I am choosing to be here but I don’t have to be here.” Now go and do whatever you need to do to make that happen.
You are trying to negotiate with him from a position of powerlessness. You will always lose if that is what you do.