Post # 1
So here’s a quick background: my dad has always been out of the picture for the most part. My mom pretty much raised me and has been with my stepfather for 22 years, since I was a kid. I’ve never been very close with him; in fact growing up, we fought like cats and dogs and he was like a mean annoying brother more than anything else. I asked my mom to walk me down the aisle and she stated that she would rather my stepfather does, that it’s important to him as well as her. I feel that symbolically speaking, I’m not his to give away. While our relationship is much better now, and I love him as he is family, and he’s a great guy, we’re still not close. He’s a macho type guy so he hasn’t admitted that it would mean a lot to him, but I can tell it would. There’s no way he and my mother can both give me away, as they are larger people and we couldn’t all comfortably fit down an aisle. But I’m quite comfortable walking by myself, as I’m an only child and consider myself to be very independent (and I’ll be 31–don’t necessarily need to be “given away”). What do you Bees think? My friends feel that while we’re not best buds, my stepfather has always been there and since it would mean so much to my family, I should suck it up and be gracious. What do you think? (FI and I are paying for the wedding, in case it matters). Thanks, bees!
Post # 3
My father and I never got along throughout high school and he’s done things to hurt me on other important days of my life. I’ve always been really close to my brother so he’s walking me down the aisle. It’s been hard after I told my father (he’s only coming to the ceremony and then leaving and he’s not 100% sure he wants to do that) but I didn’t want to have him walk me down the aisle just because he was my father and he feels like he should. I went with what would mean a lot to me and I hate the fact that he doesn’t get to walk his only daughter down the aisle but it just wouldn’t feel right.
Post # 4
Maybe a compromise would be for him to walk you halfway down the aisle and you take the final leg on your own? Is not having him participate period worth any estrangement you may feel between you and your mom after the wedding?
Post # 5
you need to do whatever is going to make you feel more comfortable…if you are uncomfortable having your stepfather walk you it will show on your face and in your photos…i would ask your mom again to do it or go it alone…
Post # 6
I am in the same boat and am trying to make that hard decision too. So, here’s how I see it…
I will be 32 at W-Day. At this point none of my family is literally “giving me” to the other family. I am giving myself on my own steam and free will. I am closer to my step-dad, but I know that will hurt bio-dad’s feelings (even though he has NEVER been there for me). Therefore, I am currently leaning towards going it alone.
Post # 7
Thanks for the feedback! He’s a nice guy now, and the closest thing to a “father figure” in my life. But I don’t really see him as a father, and stubbornly, I don’t want him to think of himself as my father, or anyone else to. But I do admit part of it is resentment for how immature he was when I was growing up, trying to make me mad and get me in trouble with my mom (at the time, he was in his late 20s-early 30s), and I would feel a little uncomfortable walking down the aisle with him. But, things will be very bad with my mom if he doesn’t walk me down the aisle. This is an absolute with her, she will feel like I’m shunning her and the family. When I brought up her walking me down the aisle, she again said not without stepfather also walking me down the aisle–and I don’t want to bring up the uncomfortable situation of their large frames making it impossible for the 3 of us to walk. I guess at this point I need to weigh the options–some discomfort at what I feel is a “lie” being walked down the aisle by him, or a huge family fight (stepfathers family will feel shunned too, since he’s been my stepfather for 22 years) by going it alone (and possibly feeling guilty that I didn’t give him this after he passes away someday, since this means a great deal to him for whatever reason). Thanks so much for reading this, guys. This is my biggest wedding dilemma, and I appreciate your advice/feedback.
Post # 8
…Not to turn this into a novel, but now I’m thinking of times he’s helped me fix my car, made sure I had enough money, asked me about my grades. Bah! So uncertain! Am I being a brat about this?
Post # 9
It sounds like having him walk you halfway may be the ideal solution for you then, but at the same time if you dont feel comfortable having him walk you down the aisle, I dont know if the full way vs part of the way will make much of a difference for you
Post # 10
I think you should walk with your step father. As much as it might feel awkward to do so, I think you will regret not having him walk you in the future (like you said, when he passes away etc..)
I love my dad and have always had a good relationship with him (he and my mom are still together) but when I think about him walking down the isle with me it even makes me feel weird. I think it might be a slightly normal feeling in terms of all the emotions tied to it. Not that I don’t want him to walk me, but when I think about it .. I feel weird (if that makes any sense?)
It doesn’t necessarily have to mean he is giving you away as a father, it can simply mean he is escorting you as the father figure you grew up with. Just ask that the officiant doesn’t ask the “who gives this woman to be wed” question.
Again, follow your heart but I’m worried it’ll weigh heavily on you later on down the road if you leave him out.
Post # 11
I would probably compromise and have BOTH your parents walk you down the aisle. That way no one is left out or hurt….they do that in Jewish weddings, and it was even one of the choices for my Catholic wedding.
Post # 12
Ideally, I would suggest the two of them walking you down as a compromise, but since that may be logistically impossible, then I’m going to suggest you walk down the aisle with your stepfather.
I know perhaps you haven’t had the best relationship, but you said it’s better now and I think when it comes to decisions like these, you’ll have to ask yourself if there is any chance of regret. What’s the worst that could happen if your brother walked you down the aisle? What’s the worst that could happen if your stepfather walked you down the aisle? Only you can gauge the answers to these questions, and from what you’ve written a LOT of feelings will be hurt if you choose to have your brother walk you down and you have to ask yourself if it’s really all worth it.
Post # 13
I like the idea of him waling you halfway.. maybe even having the groom meet you halfway so he hands you off and then you walk the rest of the way with your groom.
Would your biological father be upset by your step father walking you? If it would cause drama i would walk by yourself .. or walk by yourself and still have FI meet you half way.
Post # 14
I would say have your mom walk you half way and your step dad the other. My father too was out of the picture growing up. He actually was not invited to my wedding until a few days before. I was raised primarily by my grandparents, mother’s parents and me and my grandfather are closer then some daughters and fathers. There wasn’t a second thought in my mind who would walk me down the isle, even though my bio father ended up coming to the wedding. My grandfather the man who raised me, supported me and was a father to me in every way was the man that earned that right. Personally, my father’s feelings never once enterend my mind since he was an adult who made an adult decision to be a deadbeat when I was a child. He was lucky he even got an invite. The person who walks you down the isle, it makes a big statement as to who the most important man in your life has always been. It should be that person. Biology don’t matter in this case, IMO. Follow your heart.