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Is there anyone here willing to share their experience of doing an alternative walk down the aisle? What are the options for people who don't necessarily have the closest relationship with their family of origin?
Are there people with intact families, but lacking a good relationship with their dad who are doing something other than having dad walk you down the aisle? Did your family see this as an insult or were they accepting of your decisions?
I can see that maybe it's easier just to let one or both of the parents walk you, even though it's not a reflection of the relationship. Maybe it's just easier not to make waves? What are your thoughts? How did you deal with it? Did you try to heal problems in your relationship with your dad (or parents) prior to the wedding? Did you just let it go because it's easier?
For the longest time I was convinced that I wanted my mom and ONLY my mom to walk me down the aisle. And if anyone had a problem with that arrangement, I'd walk alone. My parents were never married and while my dad has been a part of my life, I've had a very hard time accepting him into my life. When I told my mom that I just wanted her to walk me down, she suggested that I really should ask my dad to walk with us. At first I was adamantly against it (it made me so emotional my mom probably thought I was nuts) but after thinking about it I'm going to walk with both of them. It's taken me a very long time to accept him, and I still have a hard time sometimes. I'll be his first child (of seven, mind you) to get married so I know it will mean a lot to him.
I've never really talked about how I feel about him to him personally, and I'm not sure if it will come up between now and the wedding. It's a discussion I know I should have...I just don't know how.
Obviously I don't know you're situation, but for me I did a lot of soul searching and thought "can I live with my decision for the rest of my life?" Also, could I look back at my wedding day without any regrets? I was also worried about hurt feelings. Would my dad resent me? Would our already strained relationship get even worse? I tried to put myself in his shoes. How would I feel if he were deliberately leaving me out of something big going on in his life? It is so incredibly personal and each situation is unique. I hope you find a scenario that works for you. And ultimately, you have to do it for YOU. Good luck 
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My dad is no longer a part of my life, so I'm having my grandpa walk me down the aisle. He's always been a huge part of my life and I thought it was a good solution instead of walking alone. All I can say is that in the end, you need to be comfortable with your decision. Whether that means making you happy or making your family happy is up to you :)
My friend is going to walk with her finance
They are going to walk down the aisle together. They are adults and feel like they are too old to be "given away" so they are going to walk together
Mrs. Lovebug walked herself down the aisle... I can't seem to find the preliminary post she wrote about it pre-wedding, but it was really beautiful and poignant, if you can find it!
This is a really interesting topic, and one not to be taken lightly. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, but it's not bad. It's more like we don't have a relationship. He doesn't know me, and rarely (if ever) makes an effort to get to know me. I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of him walking me down the aisle, having a "father daughter" dance, etc., but I don't know what I'm going to do about it yet.
That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about Rye. I know I definitely don't want to do a father-daughter dance. I haven't been his "little girl" in a long, long time. As for the aisle, I don't know... I'm not opposed, I suppose.. but there wouldn't be much meaning except to make him happy. Maybe that's enough, but I want to be thoughtful about it.
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My parents were divorced when I was 12 and my father...well...he's a jerk, to put it lightly. My mother has always been there for me and I know I can count on her for anything. She'll be walking me down the aisle. She's a little worried about this and keeps reminding me I can change my mind; we're having a pretty traditional wedding and she doesn't want to look "butch" as she puts it. But it's my mom who's giving me up to my FH, and I want that symbolism to be evident in the ceremony.
I hear you. Tough stuff! I wish I could help! :( But then I guess I'd already have the answer for myself...
I've been grappling with this for a while. As for the time being, I think we might do this for the "aisle walk" --
Mr. Rye is escorted to the back of the seats by his mom, dad, & step mom. Then I'm escorted to the back of the seats by my mom and dad. Both sets of parents join our hands together or something gooey romantic like that. Then my dad escorts my mom down the aisle, his step mom is escorted down the aisle by someone (her husband died last year), his dad escorts his stepmom down the aisle, and then Rye escorts me down the aisle. It's a bit involved, but hey - weddings are involved, right? I figure this way, we get to let the parental couples feel that special "buzz" of walking down the aisle together once more, and I don't have to deal with the "father escort" issue.
weddings kinda suck sometimes! especially when you feel like you have to please everyone!
I think I'm walking myself. While both of my parents are alive and it would be nice, I feel pretty strongly about giving myself over to marriage. The only challenge is whether I can safely make it down a trail/ hill ("aisle") without falling over.
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I plan on walking alone. My father has died, but before that we didn't have such a great relationship and, God rest his soul, I would have been annoyed if he'd wanted to do it. I feel like my "journey" to get to this point in life has largely been mine alone and happened mostly because of my decision to separate myself from my family. I can't imagine walking down the aisle any other way.
My mom's father (my grandfather) died around the same time as my dad, and when she got remarried a few years ago, she walked alone despite having a few brothers that would have done it. It was perfect and very beautiful! My mom understands my viewpoint.
I don't know my stepfather at all and I imagine he would respect my decision. I can see him wanting to do it, but the idea makes me terribly uncomfortable. I plan to use the "this is how I always imagined it"/"feminism-in-general" angle. If that doesn't work and it seems like it would create a rift, I'll just let him walk with me. Those closest to me know how I view it, and some things are just more important than symbolism.
I have a great relationship with my dad (and mom!) but none of us saw any need for me to be "given away" at this point in my life. I loved walking alone! My decision, my husband, my walk! :-)
I am with the both of you MissRye and Doctorgirl.. I don't know what I am going to do. My side of the family doesn't really want to do anything with me or my life. But they want the image. So I feel like I should have my dad walk me down the aisle, but in the same sense why should he get the honor? I am torn because I "feel" obligated to do the normal socialy expected route but I really don't want to. Ugh.. Yes wedding suck sometimes! But at least I have an amazing future family in laws! They truly are my "real" family!
My grandfather passed away when my mum was 16 and she had her brother (my godfather) walk her down the aisle. I will definitely have my dad walk me down but I am thinking about having mum meet us halfway to continue on together as we have always been "the three of us", I have also been to a wedding where the bride had a close guy friend walk her down the aisle as she was not close with her family.
I was positive I was going to walk down by myself even though there were many complaints from all of my family. I wanted to give myself instead of having someone "give me away." The day of the wedding I decided last minute to have my mom and dad walk me (they are divorced and I don't have great relationships with either). I'm glad I did it because it ended up meaning so much to them and I realized that even though we don't have a great relationship and we aren't close, it's something they will cherish for the rest of their lives.
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I do not speak to my dad (as of now) and he is not invited to the wedding. I always knew my mom would walk me down the aisle, but I also thought I would have my grandmother by my side as well. Unfortunately, she died a few years ago. I think my dad's mom, who will be at the wedding, will be a bit sad that her son could not walk me down the aisle, but I know she understands. I also don't feel comfortable having my step-dad walk me down the aisle because he was never a father-figure to me. I will dance with him for the father/daughter, mother/son dance, but I can't say he had a HUGE hand in raising me. My mom is really the one who should get all the credit and I think it shows the powerful bond we share.
doctorgirl, your post couldn't have come at a better time, actually. When I read this to my fiance, he said, "that's you, right?"
While I don't have any direct solutions for you, the others, (or myself, yet), it's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there thinking so seriously about this issue.
Take heart, ladies!
I just wanted to add a comment about a wedding I saw recently on TV where a bride walked down the isle by herself. She started walking down the isle with nothing in hand and had the guests that sat next to the isle hand her flowers as she walked, by the time she reached the alter she had her bouquet. If you arn't comfortable having a family member walk down the isle with you, but you do want them to be included, you could do something like that, with multiple family members being involved. I thought it was really sweet and it was able to include everyone (not just dads) for that special moment.
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I'm walking down the aisle halfway alone and the other half with my FI. We will meet in the middle.
I wanted my mom to walk with me but shes a traditionalist and was not having it. Also, my relationship with my dad isn't that great and I didn't want to give that honor to someone who didn't deserve it. I'e always looked up to my grandpa but some skeletons have come out of his closet recently and now I dont want him to walk me down the aisle either. I like my step dad, but not enough to let him walk me down, plus I have "I'm no one's property" attitude so I really dont need to be given away at all.
I don't have a relationship with my father, which is a complicated story into itself. Though he would like to be a part of my life, he is not, and he will not be invited or welcome at my wedding.
My mom, who I am incredibly close with, has her heart set on walking me down the aisle - especially since I escorted her down the aisle at her second wedding ten years ago.
I'm of two minds - I would love to be able to honor my mom in such a nice way, but I like the idea of walking myself down the aisle - or having my fiance and I each enter from different locations, walk to meet each other, and enter together. It's something I'm struggling with because my mom wants to walk me down the aisle so much.
I think you should do whatever you want. I'm a wedding officiant, and I've seen brides escorted by parents, moms, dads, brothers, dogs, grooms, uncles, grandparents and by themselves. Whatever they choose ALWAYS works for their ceremony, and always reflects who they are. Your wedding officiant can draw who ever does or does not walk you down the aisle into the intro of the ceremony, as a bit of explanation, to assuage nervous relatives or those family members who think you are bucking tradition.
But I can say, from personal experience, that trying to patch up a relationship that has fallen apart JUST so you can have someone walk you down the aisle - isn't going to be an accurate or happy memory for you - I mean, it could, but there's also the chance for a lot of messiness. Of course, you all know yourselves better than anyone else - talk to your fiance, friends, and people who know you the best - for me, I would NEVER try to bridge the gap between my father and I JUST to have him at my wedding - but that's something that I've gotten over and realized many, many years ago.
Well- honestly- this has been a large source of stress for me lately. My parents are divorced and I'm not super close with my dad- but close enough that I never even questioned that he'd be the one to walk me down the aisle. Well that changed significantly when he found out I was getting married. He never seemed particular excited about it (or for me). He thinks a wedding is a ridiculous thing to spend so much money on and even told me that it's a crazy thought to put so much money into something that ends up in divorce a majority of the time!! SERIOUSLY?? Plus- the fact that my mom and step-dad are paying for the wedding (my mom asked if he could contribute and that's when the responses above came in to play)- I think it makes him embarassed to go and he said that with his issues with my mom on a number of things- he just didn't think he would come. YES- that's right- now not only will my father not be walking me down the aisle- but he may not even be at the wedding!! At that point- I was hurt and then I got mad- REALLY MAD.
So- while my wedding is in 7 months and my father and I still talk (but not about the wedding)- I think I'm planning on telling him that he doesn't need to come. I don't need anyone there that isn't fully supportive about what we're doing and I certainly don't need another thing to worry about like him and my mom fighting. I'm also not close with his side of the family- so none of them will even be at the wedding (my grandparents have both passed away and I'm in no contact with any of my aunts/uncles/cousins). So my plan now is to have my brother walk me down the aisle. I thought about having my step-dad do it- after all- he's helping to pay for the wedding with my mom and I thought it would be a nice way to include and thank him. But he and my mom weren't married until I was 22, so we're really not close like that. It may not be traditional but my brother walking me down the aisle is what feels right for me and, ultimately, me and my soon-to-be husband are what the day is all about!
I walked myself down the aisle for several reasons: my dad and I have a poor relationship (he wasn't invited to the wedding) and my mother is deceased. I could have easily asked someone else I am close to to walk with me, but the main reason I walked by myself was that I felt that it was important to enter the ceremony the way I was entering our marriage: as an independant woman. And, under no circumstances, could I imagine being "given away." I had also really liked the idea of me and my fiance walking in together, but he was surprisingly traditional about not wanting to see me in my dress before I entered the ceremony site.
Although I had a lot of stress about telling my aunts and uncles that I wasn't inviting my father, they were very understanding and supportive, which was a huge relief.
I think that seeing a bride walk in alone was a surprise for some, but for the folks who know me, it was not at all unusual. No one made any comments to me.
I know our situations are different, but I hope that helps some!
I wanted to walk down alone. I blame it on watching The Sound of Music too much as a kid. I love the scene of her marching down the aisle solo, all eyes on her, using both hands to hold the boquet (it's just a prettier look, you know?)
My dad and I have a great relationship, though, and he would have been devastated if I told him I didn't want him to escort me. So I went down the aisle with my dad and it was very wonderful.
i plan to walk down the aisle alone, but i'm starting to have nightmares about falling or tripping half way!!! i'm starting to wonder if i would be less worried to just have my mom, but i really liked the idea of going at it alone.
Well, I've always had feminist ambitions to walk down the aisle solo, but I've also always had a very close relationship with my father, so I never thought of it as a serious option (this is a man that cries when he watches Father of the Bride). However, I caught him cheating on my mother several years back and vowed that there was no way that man was walking me down the aisle. Long story short (too late) I've decided that it's more important to me to have a symbol of forgiveness at the wedding as opposed to a symbol of revenge... or grudge... or whatever you choose to call it, because I think forgiveness is an essential ingredient in any relationship. So we are going to walk down together.
I'm having my brother join me and my father down the isle. At first it was just going to be my brother, because my relationship with my father has not been the best since my parents got divorced. The thought of the moment alone with him before we start walking which is supposed to be happy and that I had at one time looked forward to had me filled with dread. But now I am trying to work on our relationship because I have realized, he is not the best father but he wasn't the worst either, and he's the only one I have so I should try to make the best of it. But I had already asked my brother, so I will just have both and it will be great to have him there to break the tension. He was always the one who looked out for me and did the "intimidate the boyfriend" thing so I wanted to be sure to honor his role in my life.
But I agree with others, do what feels right to you. I realized I would regret not having my father with me despite the status of our relationship.
Cupcake beat me to it, but I was also going to mention Lovebug's post about her decision to walk alone. You can find it here:
I don't have a close relationship with my dad at all, so my mom asked if she could be the one to walk me down the aisle YEARS ago. But even though I would love that, I would hate to think that it would upset my dad in anyway, so I`m considering walking down the aisle alone.
Like many of you, I don't have a bad relationship with my dad, it is just that I don't really have a relationship with him (my parents split when I was three and I see him a couple times a year, but he doesn't call me on my birthday or anything like that). It didn't feel right to have him walk me down the aisle, especially given the overtones of ownership, although I do understand why some would like to do it for traditions sake.
At the risk of offending some, I think I agree with Miss Manners who said she doesn't understand why weddings are like plays, where the 'father' role gets filled with the closest male relative. If I hadn't decided to walk down alone, I wouldn't fill the role with a male relative just because he was male, but with someone I was close to (a mother for instance). I think it is important to avoid doing something just because it is 'traditional' - do it because you want to do it and it has meaning for you!
That said, when I told my father he wasn't walking me down the aisle he was upset and was grouchy for a while, but eventually got over it. My grandmother (who I am very close to) was very mad with me, but I explained my reasons (focusing on the ownership part instead of the no relationship part). I think it helped that I am not 'replacing' his role with anybody: he won't lose face that I am having someone else walk with me, because I have said I don't believe in the whole concept. It would have been much more difficult had I said 'you aren't walking with me because you didn't raise me or see fit to parent me'.
I am still terrified of walking down alone, but confident that this is better than pretending to be someone that I am not.
Great thread... I am an encore bride, mom and dad were divorced 3 years prior to my first wedding... my relationship with my dad (immediately following the divorce) was not great, but it never occured to me to not have him at my side, he walked me down the aisle, and it was a very proud moment for him, and seemed like the right thing for me. Not-so-fast-forward 18 years I'm older and wiser... becoming a widow has tainted my vision of the fairy tale to be sure, but I'm thrilled to be deeply in love with a man that I cherish. This time, I will walk solo, with my mom, dad and his wife in attendance, along with our dear friends.
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My dad will probably be at the wedding (I think), in any case he will not be walking me down the aisle. Though I wish my mom could do me the honor, she is no longer here, and so I am having my cousin Steven give me away. He was her favorite nephew, and my male role model for most of my life. Though I think it will be difficult to tell me dad (who has not really been a part of my life), I really don't feel that he has earned it. Though I don't want to hurt his feelings, I also want to honor the man that has been a huge part of my life. My dad will still get a front row seat if he comes, but the honor of walking me down the aisle goes to the man, who taught me to catch and throw a ball, and wiped my tears when I broke up with boys. He is the person I feel most comfortable going to for advise, and hopefully my dad will understand.
Lots of food for thought here!
Peachapple- I admire your strength and ability to forgive. What a beautful gift to give and receive for your wedding.
It seems that most people are content with whichever decision they made. Let me ask this... Is there anyone who had regrets about their decision. For example, did someone walk down the aisle with parents and regret it or walk alone and regret it? Whatever I decide, I don't want to have any regrets!
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I do not regret deciding at the last minute to walk with my parents. I decided to because I was fearful I would regret it and I didn't want to.
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I am having my older brother walk me down the aisle. My dad died when I was 16, and although my grandparents are still living, I don't feel like they have been in my life enough to get this honor. That is what it is, its an honor, the person who walks you down the aisle represents your past and I want that person to be have huge part of my life as I walk towards the rest of it. My older brother is that person for me :)
I don't like the idea of being given away and my father has passed on, but once my mother found out people are having the mother walk the bride down the aisle she was really excited. I wasn't expecting it and will either do that or walk alone.
My sister was planning to go it alone until very close to her wedding. I'm not entirely sure why she changed her mind, though I know my Dad was really hurt and wanted to so that at least had soemthing to do with it. My sister is extremely independent, but she completely froze right before she walked, and I don't think she would have made it if my Dad hadn't been there to told her hand and tell her jokes as they walked to calm her down. And I know that she really feels like their entire wedding really brought her and my Dad closer. Not that they had a terrible relationship before, but they had issues especially b/c she felt like he wasn't initally very supportive of her relationship with my BIL (though that changed by the time they were engaged). I'm not saying this will happen to you, but I do think it's also worth looking at what the day means to your entire family before making a decision. Especially if you're very accomplished and independent it can seem silly to have your father "give you away", but jsut b/c that's the traditional reason for the walk it doesn't have to be. It can also just be a way of showing support as you enter the next stage in your life, or letting you know that you will always be a part of their family even as you start your own. You could even consider turning the tradition on it's head a little and having your FI walk in with his parents and you with yours. I'm just saying that there are a lot of ways to look at this tradition, and just b/c you disagree with the original intent it doesn't mean you can change it into something that suits you.
I am, though, planning to have my Dad walk me down the aisle. I think my Mom would be too self-conscious to join us, and it works for me. but there are a lot of other traditions I've foresaken b/c they don't fit my idea of a modern relationship, like the whole idea of a proposal and a ring in the first place, so it's not like I'm advocating for going the traditional route. Just saying it's worht considering why you're doing it and whether there is any aspect of the tradition that you might be able to take and make your own.
My parents are not supportive of us getting married so I will be either walking alone or with a close friend. I haven't figured it all out but I would like to have my best friend's husband walk me down the isle. He and I were in the service together and he has been there for me through everything over the past 15 years.
I did think it was cute that my daughter's grandfather - my ex-fil - said that since my dad wasn't going to be there to support me on my big day he would do anything I needed or wanted him to do to "fill in". While sweet, I'm not sure that it is "right"?
It's times like these that I just wish I had a "normal" family but what are you gonna do, right?
Ahh I struggle with this too.
I have a "normal" family...no divorces, no stepparents, etc. BUT...my dad has always been the workaholic/travel a lot/skip the family vacation for an important meeting type, so I just feel like we're not that close. I love him, but we rarely have one-on-one conversations and I would never go to him for help or advice or discuss a problem or whatever.
When I'm standing at the back of the church about to walk down the aisle, I would so much rather have my mom with me than my dad. I'm usually very into tradition and such, but this dad-down-the-aisle thing is really bothering me. I know my dad would just be devastated if he wasn't the one to do it, but I'm considering asking my mom to join us as well. I kind of think she might say she wouldn't because it would hurt my dad's feelings though. I just don't know.
Part of me wants to just do it alone...but I think I'm a bit too traditional for that. Soo frustrating!!
All you ladies are so brave! The only wedding I was at where the bride walked alone got really awkward because she got really nervous and just started laughing hysterically...
I was having a lot of anxiety about this, but I feel good about my solution.
I get along fine with my dad (we haven't always), but my parents are divorced and I don't think I can handle being between the two of them. A bit too much bad blood... and neither of them has contributed financially, so I don't feel too guilty about NOT giving them the honor.
After trying to figure out a way to appear in front of everybody in a poof of smoke, I decided to throw out the aisle! No aisle at all!
We're getting married in a park, so we will set up chairs in a double circle (for about 100 guests) with a space at the top.
No grand entrance; we'll just walk over to the space and complete the circle.
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