Post # 1
I see there are several posts on this topic, but would still like to hear people’s thoughts about my situation.
My bio dad was absent for most of my life and was never supportive of anything I did. For example, he convinved me against applying for US colleges when I was 18 because it was expensive – somcthign I now regret. Later, when I left Puerto Rico (where I’m from) to do my PhD in NYC he said it was a bad decision, that I should just stay in PR and work instead of ‘wasting’ time in grad school. Anyway, he was never supportive.
Then a few years ago our relationship became better, we started spending more time together. Then a year ago it all went sour again. When my fiance’s family went to PR to meet my family, he cancelled our dinner date the hour before it was to take place. We were about 15 mins away from his house and I asked, hey, can we just go there so you can meet them for a little bit. He said no, he wasn’t feelign well. Still, a 15 minute meeting woudl have been better than none – it was mortifying to have this happen in front of my fiance’s family.
Now the wedding. I said I was going to walk alone. He was obviously disappointed. And then said that since he’s not going to be in the wedding, he’s not even going to go to the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner where my fiance’s family, including his aunts, are going to go to, which could be the first time for him to meet my fiance’s family and spend some time with them before the wedding, and he says he’s not going.
So. On the one hand I feel guilty and wonder, am I being bad for not having him walk me down the aisle? And yet, he doesn’t act like a loving father, why should he expect to walk me down the aisle? And, he’s being manipulative by saying that since he doesn’t have anything to ‘rehearse, he’s not going to rehearsal dinner.
All of this makes me feel like maybe I’m the one acting badly, if I just let him walk me down the aisle everything would be fine. Yet I’d feel like a hypocrite. I don’t really want him to walk me.
Post # 3
I have no advice because I really don’t want my Dad walking me down the aisle, but I know I will cave. Just know you aren’t the only one struggling over this issue 🙁
Post # 4
@Marullos: I actually went through the exact same thing for my wedding. I ended up deciding to allow my father to walk me down the aisle. At the end of the day, it’s your wedding, it will only happen once…but you will remember it forever. For me, i knew I would feel bad on the day of my wedding had he not walked me down the aisle and I didn’t want anything but happiness on my big day. It’s really a big deal for a father, whether your relationship has been strained or not. It’s not the best situation to be in, but sometimes you just have to swallow your pride. If you do choose to let him walk you down the aisle, maybe attempt to talk to him about his actions and how you want things to be moving forward. Good luck!
Post # 5
@Marullos: I struggled with how to deal with walking down the ailse as well. I read many posts on this issue and found a post on one from a father that was really influential. He said to think of it as going from the family you came from into the one you are making.
Do you think you have your father’s blessing? You may not feel you’ve had his support in other things, but if you can see past your hurt, perhaps you can take this moment to feel it now.
Good luck and congratulations!
Post # 6
@nycredhead: and not so blushing bride – Yes, I keep thinking that the easiest, most drama-free, most peaceful thing to do is to have him walk me down the aisle.
I wuold be probably save years of recrimination, and so on.
BUt then the other point to me, beyond how he sucks as a dad, is that it is weird to me to be given away!
It’s also annoying to me that I have to be the one to meet HIS expectations, Why can’t he meet mine? or why do I have to do what he wants to do when I don’t? And he’s never done anything for me just because I’d like him to, or even because I’ve needed it.
To me, having him give me away would feel like a sham. As in, who is this person who thinks he deserves any sort of honor after the way he has behaved toward me, my fiance, and our families?
That’s the other thing too, my fiance can’t stand him, and doesn’t want him to be in the wedding. He is still very hurt about the way my dad cancelled and refused to meet his family when we were 15 minutes away from him, and they had travelled to from another coutnry to meet my family.
But yes, then again, i do think it’s best to forgive, forget and be at peace with each other…
haha! I’m talking myself in circles and wedding is in 6 weeks! 🙂