Post # 1
Hello all you ‘bees!
You guys were a huge help last time and I could really use your help again. Here’s the situation at hand…
Essentially my mother and father divorced when I was six due to infidelity (my mother claims it was my father, my father claims my mother was unfaithful too). Throughout the years due to my mother’s pain, I’ve heard how my father was a great liar, how my mother found perfume on his shirts, how he didn’t pay child support. My father never talked badly about my mother. Both parents have supported me throughout the years. My mother supported me through getting bullying, acclimating to a new school, offering her help any time possible. My father has also been there for me by helping with my schoolwork, guiding me with my career, offering his ear and support with personal issues.
Initially, I didn’t invite my mother to the wedding as I got so much anxiety about her and my father being in the same room. Then I reinvited her and my stepfather (who has supported me with my moves, my car financing and a lending ear). I asked my father to walk me down the aisle as I thought sticking to tradition would seem the fairest. My stepfather chimed in to say that why wouldn’t I have both parents walk me down the aisle and how couldn’t I be equally angry at my father.
So, here’s the dilemma…I want to make my mother feel as special as my father on my wedding day. Do I…
…ask my mother in addition to my father to walk me down the aisle? And thus, let my father know? (I’ve already told him he can’t pay for our dinner as I didn’t want my mother to get upset about “buying my love” – a common statement made by my mother. Would I be taking the honor away from him?)
…do I tell my father that I will be walking down the aisle by myself?
…do I honor my mother in a different way by having her stand at the front (no alter as it’s a destination wedding in their town hall) and give her a rose from my bouquet and have her hold my bouquet (my brother is my man of honor)?
…as my stepmother and stepfather have both been there for me, do I honor them with a speech?
All suggestions are very, very welcome.
Thanks all 🙂
Post # 3
I hear you with the difficulty that having divorced parents brings to a wedding. Both my FI and I have divorced parents. I am doing things the traditional way and having my father walk me down the aisle and we are doing a father-daughter dance. After making my decision, I found out that my mother was disappointed that she would not also be walking me down the aisle (even though she never asked whether she could). This shocked me and confused me because my mother tends to be a person who wants to do things the “right way”. I decided to keep everything the same as I’m closest with my father.
My advice to you, do what feels right for you. You don’t need to include everyone equally in your day if you don’t want to. Don’t worry so much about hurting your parent’s (or step-parent’s) feelings. I’ve included my steps by giving them corsages/boutonierres but you don’t have to allow them to make speeches (they probably don’t expect to in the first place). I totally understand trying to make everyone feel good but in the end, do what you want. Do you want to walk down the aisle alone? Do you want to walk down with your father? Do you want to walk with both? Think about what you want and not what would be least offensive.
Post # 4
My dad- walking my down he aisle. My stepdad- guest speaker. I wouldn’t “surprise” either parent with walking down the aisle details- pick what you want, tell them beforehand, let them deal with the drama if they have any, and enjoy your wedding 🙂
You can also have them both announced when you walk into dinner.
Post # 5
I agree that you should do what feels right for you. I walked myself down the isle. My mom was present at the wedding, dad wasn’t. I was not comfortable with my mom walking me down the isle, but had my dad been present I would have had him do it.
Post # 6
Go with your gut.
I went through the same thing, and it turned out my dad was crushed when he heard (through his nosy, PITA girlfriend, so I didn’t have a chance to broach the subject myself) that I was going to ask him if it was ok to have both parents or dad and stepdad walk me down the aisle. Of course I wasn’t going to even ask after I’d heard his reaction, but that was the only “fight” we’d had with regard to wedding planning, and it wasn’t even a fight, just a conversation. Turns out he felt like that was his one inalienable right as a father, to walk his only daughter down the aisle.
There is no right answer in these things when one parent decides to be a turd (and yes, by talking badly about your father in front of you, your mother behaved like a turd to some degree). You need to just figure out what works for you and stick to it like glue.
Post # 7
my parents divorced also my mom said she was my dad asked if he was…the night before i said by myself then 5 min before i said both or nothing and they agreed haha but my mom said she was walking on the right because he belonged on the left haha!! it all worked out