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@bakerella: Awwww! Yes I have a suggestion! Come live down here near me and DH and we can hang!
But seriously, I'm not sure what advice to give that will amount to anything, but do you feel comfortable talking to them about how you've been feeling lately? Do you feel like they're acting this way because you're married now? I don't really understand why they would be bailing on you all the time....
And I know, I myself can get a little analytical and can be a bit sensitive to things like this. Guess what I'm trying to say is this: maybe they don't even realize what they're doing or how their acting and how that behavior is making you feel...
I hope this all works out, you seem like a genuine and caring person (who can cook so good it's almost sinful) and it sucks that you're feeling this way about people who are supposed to be your nearest and dearest.
I have found this too with many of my friends who don't have children, even though my husband and I are able to go out without our son. Before that I found that many of our single friends started to drift away as well once we were married. I am not sure if it is just different stages of life or something.
I think that it is awesome that you keep reaching out to them. My maid of honor moved to New York, and I am still here in Canada. I might see her once every year or longer now. Every time I even try to call she is too busy now. It is really tough. Unfortunately I find myself extending out the olive branch less and less. Your post has made me send it out again, so thank you :)
I agree with Mrstobe, I think you should tell them how you are feeling...Im sorry you're feeling down! Since they are close friends its worth communicating about and just getting things out in the open.
@bakerella: Are they single? I had made 2 really good friends these past couple years and they were going to be BMs but it was like once I got engaged, they couldn't get away fast enough.
@bakerella: I am going through the exact same thing with several of my friends. We are all in this weird stage right now where some of us are married, buying houses, etc. And then another group is living the single life, lives at home, etc. It just seems like we dont have much in common anymore, but regardless, I miss them. I kept reaching out trying to make plans, and kept getting rejected. It hurt. But then I realized how one sided the friendships had become and it was exhausting that I was trying to keep things going and getting nothing in return. So I have stopped trying. I will talk to them if they reach out to me, but I have had to step back a bit. I still miss them and wish things were different, and I hope in the future we can become close again.
Wish I had some suggestions for you though!
@MrsCoachBtoBee: They are both very single. One recently went back to school, the other has a busy but fledgling career. They're both busy, we all are, but I just have this gut feeling like something is off you know? Or the feeling of wanting to sustain the friendship is more on my side.
@Bostongrl25: That sucks, I know exactly how you feel.
The weird thing is that when I DO see them, we all get along so well, we laugh and talk and catch up and when we leave we're all promising to get together more often because we don't see each other enough etc etc. So it's sort of mixed signals you know? I go on roadtrips with one of them every so often and we have a ton of fun. I send the other one little notes in the mail just to say hi every now and then, she was the only one of my friends to send DH and I an anniversary card, and then a birthday card just the other day.
I absolutely agree, we're in a different place in our life, and I have to wonder if they both have a hard time with me being married while they're both still single, but honestly, it's sort of always been that way. I've always been in a relationship, they've always just sort of drifted a long, the occasional guy coming in and out of each of their lives... It just sucks. I miss my friends. You're all right though, I need to talk with them and see what's up. I just don't want to be the overly sensitive annoying one ;)
I have had that happen too. We have some friends who always want to go to the bar, and I just dont' prefer the bar scene very much. They just stopped asking, but seriously, let's do something else for a change?
I think if I were you, I would just ask them point blank if something is up. Like a PP said, they may not realize they are doing it
Friends change all the time unfortunately, and I think you just have to let them take their own path and you take yours - you have tried, put effort into friends who actually want to make the effort to.
Your wouldn't accept it from a relationship so don't from a friendship!
You should just move to England and I'll be your best friend. :)
I'm sorry this is happening though. I had 2 very good girlfriends do this to me about a month before we moved here and I remember how much it hurt. *hugs* One of them made sort of an effort to at least send me a facebook message when she found out I was pregnant but hasn't spoken to me since.
I totally understand where you are coming from!! I've experienced similar things with MANY of my very close friendships since I've been married. It's made me completely dumbfounded on more than one occassion.
I think what I'm learning is that all relationships wax and wane from time to time. You are feeling it more now because your efforts are being rejected.
Since they are close friends, I'd suggest talking to them about it. I had to have a conversation like that with my best guy friend. I told him that since the wedding, I'd felt distant from him and he told me he was trying to give me space. I told him I still needed/wanted his friendship and it was important to me. Things haven't gone back to how they were pre-marriage, but they have improved from where they were.
I have another friend (also BM level) and she and I are barely speaking to each other. We went from her feeling rejected by her efforts and then me feeling rejected, to us deciding our friendship has greatly changed. It's been a really sad thing for me - but I realized that even though this is someone I love, we aren't friends in a true 'friend' sense of the word (since there are always stipulations on things). It's a unique situation, but I've realized how much our friendship dynamic changed post-wedding.
I remember when I was single, I felt like my married friends weren't as available as they once were and I needed my married friends to make more of an effort (since I wasn't sure what their availability was like). Perhaps your friends now see each other as a unit, now that you have someone else - and it naturally turns into a fringe type thing that only works when convenient for them.... there could be tons of reasons - and I bet they are doing it unintentionally. But, again - I'd just talk to them about it and tell them you are feeling neglected and miss them. Hopefully that will start a conversation about how to remedy the situation!
@spaneshal: Oooh good words of wisdom!!! I like you!
@zippylef: Check and check. I'll PM you my flight info ;) I chatted back and forth with one of them via email today and she's going to come to the show with me, but she said she didn't want me to pay for it and it's not in her budget. So I told her I asked them on a date night, and that at some point I'm sure I owe someone a birthday/ Christmas/congratulations present so it's no big deal, then she agreed to come, lol! I'm the only one of the three of us who doesn't have a ton of budget concerns, but to me, a ticket to a show is far cheaper than dinner/drinks out instead. I think the show and a coffee would be more fun and end up costing about the same. That's just me though. Anywho, we'll work it out. I don't want to seem like I'm always "hey I'll pay for everything" because I realize that must not feel nice to them. Come to think of it, I think this is the first time I've offered... Whatever.
@oracle: Exactly. I just don't want to end up an island because all my friends think DH and I are some kind of inseparable unit. But then the same friends have also said to me so many times how they respect and love how much DH and I have our life together, but also separate lives and freedom too. I think I'm overthinking this. LOL! Anyway, yes, I should talk to them both!!
@bakerella: I'm serious, woman. I mean... everyone has cool accents, there's less snow, cheap travel all over Europe... lol
I'm glad the one talked to you about it today and agreed to go. Maybe you should venture into uncharted territory and try and meet up with some women that may be closer in life stage to you. Even when I was home, I was feeling a disconnect with some my friends. I'm the first to get married, I was a little older than them, they wanted to go out and party every weekend and I didn't. It just got a little difficult to relate to them.
Since I've been here I've been trying to connect with women who are in a similar situation as me or have similar interests. I joined a "mommy" group where most of the women are pregnant or have small babies, I've been hanging out with the other spouses in DH's unit, stuff like that. Maybe joing a book club if you like to read, or do a little volunteer work, or take a yoga class... whatever it is that you like to do so that you can meet like-minded people. That way you won't be left out in the cold if these two girls jump ship completely.
@zippylef: I have lots of other friends, I guess I'm just sad that two of my BMs are drifting off. Why does a wedding seem to spell disaster in a lot of bride/BM relationships?! A lot of my married friends have babies now, so I'm a little behind, but I enjoy spending time with them and the kids. I'm looking forward to joining a mommy group one day just for the reason you said! For now though I'm fine, I just don't want people I thought were really close to drift off because I'm married you know? I'm still the same person!
@bakerella: I tend to forget people have lots of friends. I'm one of those people who has just a couple very good friends instead of a wide group.
I definitely know how you feel though, my 2nd BM is one of the friends who I no longer talk to as well. :( It's a sad feeling to know that someone you knew for years and were close enough to to ask them to be in your wedding would someday not be a friend.
I hope they stop being flaky for you soon.
@zippylef: I have a lot of friends, but few that I hang out with regularly if that makes sense? Funny enough, one of my best friends is VERY single and you would say we have nothing in common but I guess opposites attract in friendships too, LOL! I see her the most of anyone. I keep a relatively small circle that I consider very close friends because I've been burned before. So I guess when I feel that circle getting even smaller it hurts more. We're making plans to get together over Halloween weekend, so hopefully we'll do that, renew everything in good faith, and move forward. I think I'm just overly sensitive to rejection with them since the two of them are inseparable and there have been times I've seen that they've done stuff (via FB) that I would have loved to have gone to with them, but they don't think to invite me. Ah well.
ETA - Flakey is the perfect description for one of them! LOL! But a sweet cute flakey!
@bakerella: Yeah... the group of friends I've been talking about is like that. I was friends with one, introduced her to the other and then they became really good friends and started leaving me out of things. :\ Oh well. I have a feeling that our friendship wouldn't have survived me living thousands of miles away anyway.
All of my other friends (well, they are DH and I's mutual friends) have known me since high school so I know they'll still be around when we get back.
Peoples true colors come out when its wedding time for someone. My best friend vanished. Well, she didnt actually vanish, but she did stop calling/texting/emailing and hanging out with me. We didnt have an altercation or confrontation. She just stopped all contact with me after I announced my engagement.
Another friend who I was friends with all through college and had the deepest conversations with has also distanced herself from me. She never accepts invites to hang out even when I offer to meet her in her hometown. She now moved 10 minutes away from me and she has no invited me to hang out despite saying she cant wait for us to live closer. This particular friend has been dating her man for nearly 4 years now and she is not engaged yet. I date my FI barely a year and we got engaged. She may or may not be jealous, but her behavior was baffling at first.
I hear these stories ALL the time from brides. Its sad, but many go through it. Count your blessings and try to keep your head up. Let them know how you are feeling. If things change, then great. If not, get new bridesmaids.
@bakerella: I just wanted to say sorry that your friends seem to be slipping away. I couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to be friends with someone as kickass as you! ;)
Also, I agree with Mrs.tobe's suggestion except you should move here! heehee
@AlbanianBride27: That's really disappointing about your friend who moved close by :( I'm already married, so these two were my BMs at my wedding. I just always think about my mom's wedding photos where we go through and she doesn't talk to a single one of her 4 or 5 BMs anymore. Crazy. My dad is still friends with all his GM.
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: Awww how sweet are you?! Texas sounds like fun, hell of a lot warmer than Canada! LOL! Can I live on a ranch and cook like Pioneer Woman? Because that's my stereotype about Texas, lol!!
Maybe you are trying too hard to extend yourself and they feel like your not being conscious of their lives and schedules?
Was your wedding very invlolved and pressurey? Maybe something happend their and they got hurt or overwhelmed?
This seems to happen regardless to friendships, they wax and wain. Chalk it off as another season in life and keep moving forward. If they are true friends they will come around!
@Eva Peron: I'm not sure. I mention getting together every few months, and I typically leave it pretty open ended for their schedules since they're both pretty busy people. As per the wedding, I had 2 showers and the bachelorette, no mandatory attendance at anything other than the rehearsal and the wedding. One of them and I had a little falling out over the rehearsal, but we patched it up the same day and moved on. I've seen them both since. No expensive dresses and I chipped in to help with hair/make up costs. I think I was really reasonable through all of it. I think they might be more "out of sight out of mind" type of people with friendships, I'm not sure. You're absolutely right that things wax and wane, so I'm going to keep hoping that it comes back around again :)
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Beekeeper
I'm a little upset/down right now and I'm not sure what to do. Two of my closest GFs (they were BMs) seem to keep pulling further and further away and for the life of me, I can't figure it out. They sort of come as a unit, but I see each of the separate occassionally. They're the type of girlfriends that I don't see often, but we're still close and when we're together it's like a day hasn't gone by.
The past few times I've suggested we get together, the answer is always no for one reason or another. Both of them are on a tight budget, so I suggested we do a potluck once a month or so because I felt like I didn't get to see them very often and I missed them. I offered to not host it at my house since we're outside of the city and I didn't want them to pay for transit out here, so I'd always be going to them instead. They said no, they'd rather go out for dinner. Ooookay. We went out once afterwards but then that was that.
We bought Groupons for our favourite restaurant to all use together. One of them used theirs, mine are still unused.
I had an afternoon party (sort of like Tupperware) and invited them both. One had to work, the other said she was worried about her budget. I told her she should just come and have a bite to eat, no pressure to buy anything, I was just looking forward to seeing her and catching up afterward. She didn't come. I can understand that, but I was still a bit disappointed.
So trying to extend the olive branch again, I asked them if I could take the both of them on a date night, my treat, to see one of my favourite performers. One said yes, the other said that she liked the performer but felt it wasn't her "thing" and could we meet up for dinner/drinks instead.
I just feel stonewalled at every turn and I know I haven't done anything to offend or upset either of them. I guess I'm sad that we're growing apart and I want to "fix it" and just feel entirely one sided in my feelings. They have each other (like I said, they're a unit) and I sort of feel like whether or not I'm around is a bit "third wheel" sometimes.
Any suggestions?