i might be overreacting but I'm pretty pissed off right now. Actually, just disappointed. I think I'm more disappointed that my husband was stupid enough to let me catch him more than the fact he was having a wank. It's not the first time and he knows how much I hate it. Well, I don't HATE it, I just don't ever want to know about it. It just makes me feel so inadequate. We even had sex yesterday but he didn't orgasm even though we tried for about an hour or so. I even said we could try again tomorrow (today).
he doesn't normally have a problem orgasming, just lately we've been trying different positions so I think the over excitement is playing with his head.
anyway so I caught him sneaking back in to the room last night, he was acting suspicious as hell, so I questioned him and he pretended like he was 'just getting pyjamas'. I think I've seen him wear pyjamas once - it was a terribly stupid lie - I knew what was going on, then I woke up and found he'd pinched my knickers and when I confronted him (on the phone after he went out) he admitted to wanking in the middle of the night and lying to my face when I questioned him.
so I went off my head at him for lying to me and now I've moved to the spare room where I intend to stay for a week or so.
i just want to know how everyone else feels about this, so I've added a poll :-)
would YOU be pissed off? (Please be honest with yourself) or would you be like 'oh babe why didn't you wake me up from my peaceful slumber instead?
The fact that he is a liar is the big issue for me. Lying is totally unacceptable.
I'm sorry, but I definitely think you're overreacting.
I think he needs privacy :)
You are being a bit crazy and over the top.
Guess what my guy does when he takes longer showers? I don't question him and start an argument. It's natural and we have a healthy sex life. You need to get over it.
He is only lying because you've stigmatized something that is totally normal. Not only should he masturbate, but you probably should to. Instead of making it about you not being able to satisfy him, understand that it isn't about you. Do some research on the health benefits of masturbation.
Honestly, I don't care if my fi were to do such a thing. The lying is the part i'd have a problem with. ONE time, before we got together, he lied to me about having a previous relationship with a girl I could I didn't like, at all. After we got involved, he would act goofy when I said her name. And eventually, he told me that he had had sex with her [before we were together]. It had hurt he kept this from me. And I told him if he EVER lied again, no matter how much it might hurt my feelings to know the truth - that'd we be done. I don't lie to him, I would like the same in return.
As for the one hand mamba - Everyone gets urges. Sometimes I make plans with my self when he's not around, I assume he does the same. [In fact, I know he does the same]. It doesn't bother me, and I find it quite normal. Then again, I also don't care if he watches porn. Hell, I like porn!
I mean, lying isn't good, but you did confront him about something many people find very shameful/embarrassing. I think it's unfortunate that he would have to feel the need to sneak around about it. If he were looking at pictures or clips of other women while doing it I could maybe understand feeling a little jealous, but you said he even took your underwear. Give the poor guy a break.
I've taken care of myself while my husband is asleep! And I'd most likely lie to him if he were to catch me... It's not a sign that our relationship is in jeopardy~ it's embarrassment. Give the guy some space.
@KellyLouise: This wouldn't bother me at all. My fiance jerks off sometimes and I masturbate sometimes (sorry for the TMI, but I'm just being honest). It has nothing to do with being unable to pleasure each other ... Sometimes, though, the mood strikes and the other person is unavailable, asleep, sick, not in the mood, etc.
I guess I just don't see the big deal. I agree with subtlebee's comment that he likely lied about it because you've stigmatized it.
Yikes... I think making masturbation a shameful thing is a dangerous road to go down in the first place. While he shouldn't be lying to you I think you should really consider why it bothers you so much. A little self-exploration and pleasure is completely normal, and I think actually good for both your sex lives.
Jeez, I do myself probably a couple times a week. It's not that I don't like what my husband does, but there's something about being able to be completely selfish about it that sometimes gives it the edge over sex with partner. You don't have to lay there and feel bad about your mind wandering to fantasies, wondering if it feels good for him, or if his neck, arms, tongue whatever are getting tired, or if your butt's jiggling too much to be cute. And it helps me direct him to what feels good when we do have time together.
So, yes, I think he shouldn't have lied, but you need to stop making it a taboo.
@subtlebee: I don't know if researching the health benefits are really gona change how I feel about wanking :-| it's been an ongoing issue ive had for years.
i understand that 'all' guys do it, and I KNOW that my guy does it regularly, but I've made it quite clear that I would rather him do it while I'm not in the house and don't let me know about it. It's like some people have a problem with strippers... I don't. I just don't like the idea of my man jerking off in the next room, it just seems disrespectful and icky.
Anyway, I'll get over it but in the meantime I'm in the spare room so he can wank all he likes and not have to hide it from me and I can pretend like I'm husbandless for a week and he can make his own goddam dinners and wash his own goddam work clothes.
You seriously want to sleep in another room over this for a week? Sorry, that is way overreacting to me.
At some point, even if you don't like it, I think you have to accept that masturbating is natural for a lot of people. It's not worth shaming your husband about, nor turning it into such a huge issue in your marriage. You say you just don't want to know about it, but then question him and harass him until he admits it, and then get pissed at the truth. There was no way for him to escape this without getting in trouble, and that's just not fair.
Moral of the story...pick your battles.
@KellyLouise: I'm sorry, but this is very childish. You say you're over it, but you want to pretend you're husbandless? So.. he's wifeless. I'm not very certain I would like where that's headed.
@KellyLouise: Do what you feel is best for you. For better or for worst it's your relationship. If he is cool with you limiting that particular impulse then I won't judge!
I think wanking in private is fine and healthy. I (personally) would draw the line when he is wanking over pictures of other women etc, but I know a lot of other women are ok with this too. He probably lied to you about it because he felt embarassed.
The fact is that the OP isn't comfortable with it, natural or not. The problem is that her husband knows that she is uncomfortable with this yet her chose to do it anyways and lie to her about it. The OP didn't say that she bans him from doing it or "shames" him. She has told him that she'd rather him not do it around her or at least not to make a big deal about it. I don't think it matters why the OP doesn't like the particular habit but why her husband is lying to her and not caring about how she feels.
OP don't let anyone make you feel stupid or "childish". Everyone has their own opinions about what is ok and what isn't in regards to sex..he shouldn't be lying to you but perhaps sleeping in the guest room for a week isn't a good idea. It will no doubt drive a huge wedge between the two of you. Instead give things a while to cool down and tell him the lying/sneaking around needs to stop or he is going to loose the trust you have for him.
Yeah, sleeping in a different room and making him feel like an alienated freak isn't going to make ANYTHING better, or make him less likely to lie to you in the future.
Healthy communication is the only way to make this better, and you're making it impossible.
I will be in the unpopular vote here, but I think you are being way, way, way too oversensitive. You're going to sleep in a different room than your husband for a WEEK? For masturbating?
I am assuming we're all adults here, and I figured that it was common knowledge that men masturbate. Do they masturbate because they're unsatisfied? Sometimes. Do they masturbate purely for the sake of masturbation? Absolutely. Masturbation, in any relationship or situation, can be normal as long as it isn't excessive. Just going to remind everyone that masturbation is a GOOD thing. It's normal. It's healthy. It's what people do. It's what men do.
Masturbating does not mean he is unsatisfied with you. Sometimes men can't orgasm, and that's perfectly normal too. You tried, gave it the good ol' college go, and it just wasn't happening. It happens to the best of us. Maybe he got the desire and thought he could get off, and what's wrong with that?
I don't think he was lying with you to lie, if that makes sense. He knows you dislike masturbation, and he needed to, so he tried to dissuade you from persuing him further. Boners only last so long, you know. He needed to get you to do something else so he could do his business. If he was honest with you, you'd flip out on him (I am purely assuming here, so feel free to correct me), and now that you know he was dishonest, you're flipping out on him. You've put him in a corner and how do you expect him to react?
Realistically, what do you want him to do? Ignore his penis exists except when its inside you? Do you ignore your vagina? Do you masturbate? What did you want him to do, wake you up? And if you couldn't get in the mood, what then? Then everybody is frustrated and he would still be scolded for masturbation. Your husband can't win in this situation because you won't let him. It's unfair to put anybody in a lose/lose situation. If he is honest with you, you'll be angry. If he is dishonest with you, you'll be angry. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
My husband masturbates. I know he masturbates, and I have no issue with it. If he wants to masturbate to a pair of my panties or pictures of me he has, that's fine. Everybody heeds the call of the wild. I masturbate, too, and that's just the way it is. I've walked in on him masturbating in the shower. If that's what he wants to do, fine. He's had his dingaling a lot longer than I have. He owns it, he's allowed to use it however he wants. Just because we got married does not mean I now control how he uses it. If he wants to have a go at it, where is my right to stop him?
Ultimately, I think you just need to calm down and put things in perspective. He couldn't get off during sex, and that's normal.
He wanted to masturbate and (potentially) get off. That's normal.
Sex is messy. Maybe he didn't want to deal with it, and besides, men can rub one off a whole hell of a lot faster than they can get off with sex, at least from my experiences.
Don't put your husband in a situation where he can't win and you are forcing him to feel guilty. You're entitled to your feelings, but so is he. Life is short and pick your battles -- is him playing with his penis really worth the battle?
Edit: "I can pretend like I'm husbandless for a week and he can make his own goddam dinners and wash his own goddam work clothes."
Really? This is the most unhealthy thing I have ever read on this website.
You want to be husbandless for a week. To me, that seems like burning down the house just because you find a spider -- an atomic reaction to a smaller problem. I mean no insult, but is this how you're going to react to everything he does that you disapprove of? Seclude yourself and pretend he doesn't exist?
I know everyone deals with issues in their own way, but this seems extreme. If this is how you cope with things, maybe you both need to see a marriage counselor. He masturbated. He didn't sex up the neighbor.
@Hyperventilate: well said
When I was younger (like, around age 20 -- I'm in my 30s now) I caught my boyfriend of several years "taking care of himself" in the shower one morning when I got up earlier than he expected. He was pretty cool about it and asked me to come in and join him, but I was totally upset and never let him live it down. Looking back, I've always felt bad about it. I was pretty mean, and teased him so much afterward. He wasn't doing anything wrong.
He probably thinks about you, you know. I wouldn't let it get to you. I realize that's easier said than done -- it took me ages to be cool with my SO doing that, but now I see that it really has absolutely nothing to do with him having the super-hots for me (which he does). Married or not, your guy is a sexual person, and his sexual impulses might not always match up to convenient times, or maybe he just wanted to take care of this without waking you up... Who knows. Making him feel bad about it will probably do more harm than good -- you don't want him to resent you, or lie to you. It would be better to accept him and let him know that you aren't judging him for it. Really, all guys do this. All of them. I've never dated one that didn't, so don't take it personally. If you can accept him, maybe next time he'll have the confidence to ask you to give him a hand (wink, wink) or turn it into something more. He'd probably really love it if he knew you accepted this part of him, which is not a rejection of you at all, and is just him being a guy. Feel better!
This entire thing just has me shaking my head in amazement.
I'm just curious, do YOU orgasm everytime you have sex? If not, then how can you judge him for not coming?
Do YOU never masturbate?
How would you like it if he found out you had masturbated and he banished you to sleep in another room for a week?
You are being way too sensitive, and should probably seek some help, because it seems you may have some self esteem or control issues. I don't think sleeping in another room for a week is a proper reaction at all..to a man masturbating. They all do it, and so do most women! It is a perfectly natural act!
Wow I think you're being really really harsh to your husband, he must feel terrible right now just for doing something totally healthy and normal. I think this is totally your issue not his, and you should be the one trying to make things right with him. Poor guy!
@Hyperventilate: sorry you took the time to write this long winded response! Haha, I've apologised to my husband for making him feel as though he had to lie. He's apologised for lying. I've told him not to steal my panties and wank off in the other room because it bothers me (although I have already told him this before) and he has apologised for upsetting me. I know not many other people have an issue with masterbation but for some unknown reason, I do. We still have a fantastic relationship. I definitely overreacted and we will be sleeping in the same bed again. Buuut it was nice for me to vent here and realise I need to just not make him wanking off such an issue. Although I still think 'i don't wana know about it' is unreasonable. Thanks bees :-))
@Savvy24: I will be the first to admit I have control issues.
@Hyperventilate: +10000 TOTALLY AGREE
@subtlebee: Perfectly said.
@KellyLouise: IMO, you really need to work through why masturbation bothers you so much because you forbidding him to do it is really unhealthy. You are stigmatizing something that is natural and enjoyable for him, and I wouldn't be surprised if the shame that he is feeling over masturbating were to start seeping into his sexytime with you, too. Masturbation is normal and healthy. How would you feel about him masturbating right in front of you? If you are not ok with that, I don't think it's fair of you to forbid him to leave the room to do it, and even if you are ok with that, I don't think it's fair of you to forbid it and frame it as though he did something wrong or bad. A better way of putting it would be "It makes me feel sad when you leave the room to masturbate. Why not try it with me right here?"
Also, I think him taking your underwear is actually kinda sweet. I might recommend counseling to help unpack your feelings towards masturbation. Do you masturbate? Were you raised believing that it's wrong?
@KellyLouise: It's kind of flattering that he stole your panties, though. ;)
I used to feel weird about knowing when my SO masturbated, but at some point, who knows when as I've just realized it, I stopped caring haha. I know his longer showers are "SO time." Not sure when else he would have time to do it!
@Hyperventilate: +1,000. OP, you responded to Hyperventilate's post as though it's irrelevant now that you've apologized. I think you should take a harder look at what she posted. It's natural to feel a little uncomfortable around your partner masturbating, but it is not healthy or fair to your SO to try to control his behavior and shame him into submission as you have. It sounds to me like he needs more alone time, if it bothers you so much to have him sneak out in the middle of the night to rub one off. Honestly, he probably couldn't sleep. Orgasms are the best natural sleep aid. :)
@pookiesmom: I have never forbidden my DH masturbation, I just said I don't wana know about it. In fact I've blatantly said, just do it when I'm not around. I think it was more that he knows it bothers me but was careless about my feelings. His needs were put above mine. Which is fine, but I just wish I'd not found out.
@KellyLouise: How can you be pissed off with him letting you catch him when you were supposed to be asleep? He was doing exactly what you asked of him -- He was trying to do it when you didn't know. You were the one who pried. You found it out yourself. He was attepting to respect your wishes, from what I'm getting. Were you not asleep? If not, why claim you were in the title?
Why do your demands outweigh his needs? A couple needs to be on equal ground. "His needs were put above mine", but why do your wants override his needs? He was trying to respect you, and you're getting angry at him for it.
Edit: "I just don't ever want to know about it." from your OP. If you had never asked, you would have never known.
You say you don't want to know about it, but then you questioned him even though you said you had a pretty good idea what he was up to. If you don't want to know, asking him isn't helpful.
Honestly, I get why he lied. It can be embarrassing, and especially so if he knows how you feel about it. In fact, you've told him you don't want to know, so he's actually doing what you've asked.
Masturbation is COMPLETELY normal, and it is not a reflection of how satisfied he is with you. I think you're overreacting.
I masturbate when my fiance is asleep sometimes. He does while I'm asleep sometimes. Sometimes we masturbate together instead of having sex. Whatever. We enjoy sex with each other but we each enjoy masturbating too. Sometimes it's nice to be able to concentrate only on your own orgasm and not on pleasing someone else. Sometimes you're just horny. Again, whatever.
I think the solution is that you start masturbating too.
Yall should chill. If her SO is ok with it then why aren't we? She has admitted she's a tad controlling. She admitted that it is HER personal bias against it. She apologized. He apologized. Why isn't that enough?
I mean I'll be the first to say I have my own irrational issues but my SO accepts them and we make it work. I feel like we might be beating a dead horse here. yes. pun intended. take a moment. foucs on beating. ok.
Now. Let's give her the understanding that we all come here to get out the crazy so our SO's don't have to deal with it. I don;t feel like she is trying to be difficult and I think she has taken some perspective away from the post. Lets wish her the best and keep it moving!
@Hyperventilate: I totally agree with everything you have written here.
OP, I'm glad you've discussed this with your husband and are no longer sleeping apart or acting as if you're husbandless. I really don't think you have leg to stand on here - he did it while you were asleep, and you're the one that questioned him even though you suspected what he had done. There's nothing wrong with masturbation and, if you have issues with it, then that's something you need to sort out for yourself, not punish him for.
@subtlebee: Pointing out inconsistencies is needing to chill?
Edit: Clearly her SO isn't okay with this arrangement if he is being shamed into hiding it from her. Just sayin.
@Hyperventilate: I just feel like nothing new or novel is being said at this point. Your post arent far from my original post but at this point she has conceeded and admitted fault. No need for the continued finger jabbing.
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