Want Baby but Husband's not Ready

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
1548 posts
Bumble bee

@Elky:  it is hard to judge if he is ready bcz some men pick it up and run with it, others get scared and sheepish. Really even the most ready guy hav emotional meltdowns about the bby. My daughters father at first was terrified to touch her. The first couple weeks I did everything and then he snapped out of it. He adores her and is soooo extremely active with her I’m grateful for that

Post # 5
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can see why the chore thing would really put you off. Those things are so minute compared to raising a child and having to jump everytime they need something in those first couple of years.

My FI does chores, but for a while it really took some prodding. His parents made him do things around the house, but they always had to ask. So every Friday its like, ‘take out the trash’ rather than him just doing it on his own. I’ve broke him of that for the most part, but sometimes I still have to ask him to do something and it drives me crazy.

With your FI it might just take actually having the baby to force him into taking responsibility and doing more. Have you had serious discussions on what each of you should be responsible for in the house? I feel like he should at least be doing half of what you listed – that is A LOT just for you to do on your own. I’d sit down and seriously tell him how you feel and why his behavior makes you a little hesitant about the baby issue. I can understand not wanting to confront him and start a fight, but if you don’t address it then I wouldn’t expect him to change much.

What does he do until 4-5am?! Does he work overnight??

Post # 7
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Elky:  How was his Dad as a father? Involved or distant? I think he’ll continue to display what he saw in childhood.

My DH was a major video game player until I got pregnant. Next thing I knew, the games and systems were gone. He’d sold them all! And bought pregnancy books. And “Going to be a Daddy” books.

Post # 8
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Elky:  Why do you continue to do the lions share of the work? Assuming you both work full time jobs, it sounds like its way past time to have a sit down, serious discussion about the division of labor/chores. Come to some kind of agreement. He’ll either step up or he won’t. If he doesn’t, and you proceed to have kids with him, then do so with your eyes wide open that his contribution will be limited to financial and as occasional playmate.

I, personally, would not choose to have children with a man-baby I couldn’t trust them with so I think your friends advise is stupid. 

Post # 9
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Elky:  How long have you guys been living together? I ask only because DH and I have lived together for about 2 years now been together for about 7 and he is only now JUST starting to help me out with chores. He’s also 35 and old enough to know better. However, while I might take the reins when it comes to cleaning the house and deocrating it and making it a home, I know that he takes care of all the house finances and manages our money (so well that I can go buy myself nice things more often than I probably should ;-p) he fixes anything I ask him to and takes care of my car appointments. He also takes care of more “behind the scenes” house stuff such as switching out burnt out lightbulbs, fixing computers, buying anything I ask him to pick up on the way home from work for dinner… those things add up too. 

So can you think of things that he does take care of? If you can list a fair few things that he handles completely by himself that you don’t have to worry about then I think its ok to broach moving forward. If not, you might want to sit and talk to him about your concerns. Also understand that truly, NO ONE is ready for the responsibility a child brings, mostly because until you have a child, you just aren’t sure what to expect.

Post # 10
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My FI has talked about being a stay at home dad. I make a lot more than he does and he HATES his job. But I feel the same as you. He does stuff around the house when I ask him to, but rarely does it on his own. And acts like he deserves a prize whenever he does do anything. I’m worried that he’ll be home all day with the kids and I’ll get home and still have to make dinner and clean. I don’t want to resent him for staying home, even if everything was perfect I know I’d be jealous he got to be with the kids all day. I’ve been trying to press on him that staying home would still be working, just working at home. I’m not sure he believes me and still thinks he’d be sleeping in and playing video games all day. 

Post # 11
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BrandNewBride:  Not necessarily. My DH father was not the best and that inspires him to be the opposite and be the best father he can be. Not all display what they know from childhood 🙂

Post # 12
362 posts
Helper bee

I definently would address this soon.  You are going to need a ton of help with a new baby, from cooking, LOTS of cleaning and laundry, waking up at night, diper changes etc.  I would start by stating that youve been thinking about the responsibility of a baby and are worried on how the work will be divided since now you are already doing more work.  My SO is a chef and gets home around midnight too and then stays up late, often times he leaves dishes and things meaning to pick up in the morning but I beat him to the punch since I wake up earlier.  But he always jumps to help out with whatever he can and holds his own weight so it’s not an issue.  

Post # 14
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Elky:  Yeah, I think you need to stop doing that. He has some nerve yelling at you for not doing a chore when you’re already doing the lions share. That says to me that deep down, he does see the housework as your responsibility. He doesn’t want an established division of chores because he doesn’t want to have to be held accountable for getting them done. If I were you, I’d tell him he either needs to step up on an ongoing and consistent basis or there needs to be a set agreement about who does what, when. If he says he still wants things to just get done as needed, that’s fine – but then you need to stop picking up his slack and let him deal with the consequences of stuff not getting done. Lets face it – your current arrangement of you doing most of the chores works just fine for him. Why would he change it? The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to change. Nip it.

Post # 15
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I have to ask my FI to do things, but the he immediately hops to it. He works from home, so I respect the fact that he is “working” when he is there and not doing housework, but all I have to say is “could you unload the dishwasher today” in the morning and it will get done. He has even occasionally started to do it on his own. We just started living together in March though, and I set the rules down pretty firm – we both work, so we both do housework. I know I do more because I’m pickier about it, but he’s on board.

Also it just took a while for me to get him to put dishes in the dishwasher. I achieved that through a lot of praise. I don’t want to come home to a mess.

Anyhow, nip it now, it won’t get better after you have kids. Tell him you are a team and that you guys need to work together to build your life.

Post # 16
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@BrandNewBride:  I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. DH’s father was very emotionally and physically uninvolved with MIL’s pregnancy and his own children all throughout life (even still). He feels like he works so she has to do the chores in the house and take care of the kids. If she asks him for help, he either tells her to do it herself or tells her to ask someone else. My DH isn’t like that at all. He is eager to help out and be a dad.

@Elky:  Perhaps its just not real for him yet OP. Some men can be the types that don’t respond to fatherhood until the child is actually born whereas some fathers pick it up right away. I think before you have kids you just have to sit down and tell him that you need help around the house right now. Once he picks up on helping, he will get into the habit so it will be easier once you’re pregnant. Hopefully he sees this as anequal partnership and helps you out.

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