Hello! So i need a little advice from my fellow brides. I have 6 bridesmaids and 4 flower girls. Two of which are the daughters of two bridesmaids. i've been loving planning with all of them except ONE. This girl is extremely self centered which i didnt think would cary of to the wedding but has. She and her daughter are both in the wedding. She just married a man who is fairly well off and they are not at all struggeling for money. She called me last night and said she found a flower girl dress at gymboree that she would much rather buy for $50.00 than the one i have picked out. I said i'd think about it...however it didnt stop there. She procedeed to let me know how her and her husband cant believe the amount of money they will have invested in my wedding (OOOO $300.00!) I told her that my parents were spending close to $1,200.00 per bridesmaid when you added the hotel rooms for 2 nights (including her family in her room) and the meals. I really dont want this to ruin the wedding day. I feel that she may make everythign about her. We havent been friends very long but i thought she would be supportive during my wedding time as i was during hers. What should i do. Not to sound like a bitch but I want her out!!! why should my family spend that much money and include someone who had the nerve to call me 8 months in advance and say she couldnt save 300.00
It's a really personal decision but if it were me, in the most non-aggressive way, approach (not attack because she will be on the defensive and that would be counterproductive) her and say that you really want her to be a part of your day but that she seems to be resentful/resistant. Say that you understand that being a bridesmaid is both a time and monetary commitment and while she said yes, you'd understand if she'd prefer to step down and celebrate the day as one of your guests. Put the ball in her court - you don't need the stress of trying to read her or going back and forth on the cost of a flower girl dress.
I recently had a similar problem. I invited a friend of about eight years to be a bridesmaid and her son to be the ring bearer.
She was resentful because I didn't ask her to be my MOH after I was her MOH last year, and she seemed to try to make everything about her. She argued with every decision I made and even expected me to pay for her and her son's wedding attire.
Eventually we got to our breaking point. I didn't want to boot her out because I didn't think that was fair after asking her to be in my wedding. So I simply told her I would understand if the financial stress and regular stress was too much to handle and would all right if she stepped down.
The end result was that she pulled her son out of the wedding but still opted to be a bridesmaid. I've since made it a point to keep wedding details to a minimum with her. I told her that all she needs to do is buy the dress and show up on time. Actually, it seems to be working out this way...however the dress situation is another story! LoL
It's a misconception to think that just because someone is "well off" means she doesn't pinch pennies. The cheapest people I've known throughout my life have always had the largest bank accounts. Don't ask me - I don't get it!
With that said, sorry to hear you are having these troubles. What a pain! I think other posters gave some good advice. With 8 months to go, you still have time to work this out. Confront her now (nicely and calmly) and ask what she would like to do, given the financial burden, etc. Best of luck!
I love pinwheelspoprocks response. I think an opt-out, no questions asked policy is a good one. And really, while she may SEEM "well off" to you, she may not really be. Hell, some people have told me I'm well off because I keep a very neat house....I'm a frickin' social worker....I'm DEFINITELY not well off and live paycheck to paycheck. I just have OCD issues, haha. Unless you've seen her bank statement, you don't really know how "well off" she is. Give her the opportunity to step down, but do NOT resent her if she decides to do so. She may be very relieved. You never know what other people are going through, but they shouldn't ruin your day because of it. This may be such a blessing for her and make your friendship stronger in the long run. I guess I feel for her because I'm so not the bridesmaid type and I hate doing it......but even given that, NO ONE has a right to make you feel bad about your wedding day when you're being totally reasonable. I WISH 300 dollars was the most i had to spend on a wedding!
maybe she overspent on her wedding? however, spending that much on a wedding isn't unreasonable, especially since your family is picking up the hotel! My sister doesn't make much $ and has huge student loans, and she is still buying her own dress, paying for her own hotel & her 2 girls are flowergirls...although, I did go "cheap" on the FG dresses, and we are going to add a sash...
A little more backgroud on the situation may be in order. She is under the impression because my family owns our own business we have money coming out of our ears! Sometimes owning a company can be worse than any other part of a company. With that said she has a "you can afford it" attitude towards me.
The flower girl dresses are $90.00 and her dress is $120. I think we are being generous giving her, her husband, and her daughter a hotel room on the night before and after the wedding. As far as them being well off....her husband has been a life long family friend and they are doing fine. i also know she asked her bridesmaids to buy dresses from a shop in New York City costing $275.00. She also saw my dress on the hanger in the bridal shop and asked me to try it on for her. I did and she responded by saying "when i saw it on the hanger i was kind of like erew but now that i see it on it looks alright"
I'm going to talk to her and give her a wide open door to opt out...i'll let you know how it goes. THanks for your help!
Learn from my mistake... My flaky friend of 8 years was showing serious signs of not being involved from the beginning. I ended up having to tell her not to be in the wedding because she wouldn't take the option to step down. She was pulling the money card, then got pregnant. Last straw was when she couldn't even show up to my bachelorette party. Everything was about her and her pregnancy and she couldn't give any of her attention to my wedding. It's very sad, but I couldn't be worrying about her showing up on the day of my wedding. She must have taken it badly, even though I tried my best to not be mean about the situation. I said she was still invited as a guest...but that it would just be better if she was not in the wedding. Unfortuneatly, I think it may have ended the friendship. Sometimes there isn't anything you can do to make the situation resolve cleanly. Take care of it now... don't wait and hope things get better like I did.
I'd definitely talk to her. There's nothign worse than having very important pictures of you taken with people you no longer like/respect in them. My SIL and one of her bridesmaids had a falling out a month or so after the wedding (her bridesmaid resented her and said she was being a terrible friend and not paying any attention to her and etc.). My SIL has told me that since she was told all that by her that it's hard to look at her group wedding pictures in the same way. Take some action before it's too late.
I think it's ironic that she is sure you have lots of money and that you are sure she has lots of money. I agree with the the earlier post that you never know people's real life situations and you should never assume. It sounds like from your description that this is someone you should have never asked in the first place cause it doesn't sound like you like her very much. Bridesmaids should be your best friends in the world and this just doesn't sound like that. It is incredibly generous of you to be paying for the hotel room though. I'd say the next time she brings up cost in any way just say you know being a bridesmaid can be a big burden and you understand if she'd like to just be a guest.
Maybe you could work something out with here where instead of your parents paying for their hotel room, they can cover the flower girl dress and/or her dress and they do the hotel rooms, she might feel better about paying for that even though it may come around to the same cost. It may also help her feel like she has more options as far as the hotel goes.
Also, have you heard of www.gagas.com you can actually rent flower girl dresses and groomsmen tuxes there. It has been a HUGE lifesaver for me. My aunt has three of her kids in my wedding (2 flower girls and a ring bearer) The ring bearers tux alone was going to cost $100 through the men's warehouse. I was able to find something really similar to what I was gonna get with MW and 2 flower girl dresses for a three week rental all under $100! Maybe that would be a good option.
Hello! So i need a little advice from my fellow brides. I have 6 bridesmaids and 4 flower girls. Two of which are the daughters of two bridesmaids. i've been loving planning with all of them except ONE. This girl is extremely self centered which i didnt think would cary of to the wedding but has. She and her daughter are both in the wedding. She just married a man who is fairly well off and they are not at all struggeling for money. She called me last night and said she found a flower girl dress at gymboree that she would much rather buy for $50.00 than the one i have picked out. I said i'd think about it...however it didnt stop there. She procedeed to let me know how her and her husband cant believe the amount of money they will have invested in my wedding (OOOO $300.00!) I told her that my parents were spending close to $1,200.00 per bridesmaid when you added the hotel rooms for 2 nights (including her family in her room) and the meals. I really dont want this to ruin the wedding day. I feel that she may make everythign about her. We havent been friends very long but i thought she would be supportive during my wedding time as i was during hers. What should i do. Not to sound like a bitch but I want her out!!! why should my family spend that much money and include someone who had the nerve to call me 8 months in advance and say she couldnt save 300.00
posted by mrszechman 4 posts 1 month agoIt's a really personal decision but if it were me, in the most non-aggressive way, approach (not attack because she will be on the defensive and that would be counterproductive) her and say that you really want her to be a part of your day but that she seems to be resentful/resistant. Say that you understand that being a bridesmaid is both a time and monetary commitment and while she said yes, you'd understand if she'd prefer to step down and celebrate the day as one of your guests. Put the ball in her court - you don't need the stress of trying to read her or going back and forth on the cost of a flower girl dress.
Good luck!
posted by pinwheelspoprocks 36 posts 1 month agoI recently had a similar problem. I invited a friend of about eight years to be a bridesmaid and her son to be the ring bearer.
She was resentful because I didn't ask her to be my MOH after I was her MOH last year, and she seemed to try to make everything about her. She argued with every decision I made and even expected me to pay for her and her son's wedding attire.
Eventually we got to our breaking point. I didn't want to boot her out because I didn't think that was fair after asking her to be in my wedding. So I simply told her I would understand if the financial stress and regular stress was too much to handle and would all right if she stepped down.
The end result was that she pulled her son out of the wedding but still opted to be a bridesmaid. I've since made it a point to keep wedding details to a minimum with her. I told her that all she needs to do is buy the dress and show up on time. Actually, it seems to be working out this way...however the dress situation is another story! LoL
Best of luck!
posted by BriLJL 99 posts 1 month agoThanks! It's nice to know i'm not the only one having this problem
posted by mrszechman 4 posts 1 month agoIt's a misconception to think that just because someone is "well off" means she doesn't pinch pennies. The cheapest people I've known throughout my life have always had the largest bank accounts. Don't ask me - I don't get it!
With that said, sorry to hear you are having these troubles. What a pain! I think other posters gave some good advice. With 8 months to go, you still have time to work this out. Confront her now (nicely and calmly) and ask what she would like to do, given the financial burden, etc. Best of luck!
posted by carly7215 65 posts 1 month agoI love pinwheelspoprocks response. I think an opt-out, no questions asked policy is a good one. And really, while she may SEEM "well off" to you, she may not really be. Hell, some people have told me I'm well off because I keep a very neat house....I'm a frickin' social worker....I'm DEFINITELY not well off and live paycheck to paycheck. I just have OCD issues, haha. Unless you've seen her bank statement, you don't really know how "well off" she is. Give her the opportunity to step down, but do NOT resent her if she decides to do so. She may be very relieved. You never know what other people are going through, but they shouldn't ruin your day because of it. This may be such a blessing for her and make your friendship stronger in the long run. I guess I feel for her because I'm so not the bridesmaid type and I hate doing it......but even given that, NO ONE has a right to make you feel bad about your wedding day when you're being totally reasonable. I WISH 300 dollars was the most i had to spend on a wedding!
posted by gracielou 90 posts 1 month agomaybe she overspent on her wedding? however, spending that much on a wedding isn't unreasonable, especially since your family is picking up the hotel! My sister doesn't make much $ and has huge student loans, and she is still buying her own dress, paying for her own hotel & her 2 girls are flowergirls...although, I did go "cheap" on the FG dresses, and we are going to add a sash...
posted by cannotwait 214 posts 1 month agoA little more backgroud on the situation may be in order. She is under the impression because my family owns our own business we have money coming out of our ears! Sometimes owning a company can be worse than any other part of a company. With that said she has a "you can afford it" attitude towards me.
The flower girl dresses are $90.00 and her dress is $120. I think we are being generous giving her, her husband, and her daughter a hotel room on the night before and after the wedding. As far as them being well off....her husband has been a life long family friend and they are doing fine. i also know she asked her bridesmaids to buy dresses from a shop in New York City costing $275.00. She also saw my dress on the hanger in the bridal shop and asked me to try it on for her. I did and she responded by saying "when i saw it on the hanger i was kind of like erew but now that i see it on it looks alright"
I'm going to talk to her and give her a wide open door to opt out...i'll let you know how it goes. THanks for your help!
posted by mrszechman 4 posts 1 month agoLearn from my mistake... My flaky friend of 8 years was showing serious signs of not being involved from the beginning. I ended up having to tell her not to be in the wedding because she wouldn't take the option to step down. She was pulling the money card, then got pregnant. Last straw was when she couldn't even show up to my bachelorette party. Everything was about her and her pregnancy and she couldn't give any of her attention to my wedding. It's very sad, but I couldn't be worrying about her showing up on the day of my wedding. She must have taken it badly, even though I tried my best to not be mean about the situation. I said she was still invited as a guest...but that it would just be better if she was not in the wedding. Unfortuneatly, I think it may have ended the friendship. Sometimes there isn't anything you can do to make the situation resolve cleanly. Take care of it now... don't wait and hope things get better like I did.
posted by NYAmber 40 posts 1 month agoI'd definitely talk to her. There's nothign worse than having very important pictures of you taken with people you no longer like/respect in them. My SIL and one of her bridesmaids had a falling out a month or so after the wedding (her bridesmaid resented her and said she was being a terrible friend and not paying any attention to her and etc.). My SIL has told me that since she was told all that by her that it's hard to look at her group wedding pictures in the same way. Take some action before it's too late.
posted by alli 247 posts 1 month agoI think it's ironic that she is sure you have lots of money and that you are sure she has lots of money. I agree with the the earlier post that you never know people's real life situations and you should never assume. It sounds like from your description that this is someone you should have never asked in the first place cause it doesn't sound like you like her very much. Bridesmaids should be your best friends in the world and this just doesn't sound like that. It is incredibly generous of you to be paying for the hotel room though. I'd say the next time she brings up cost in any way just say you know being a bridesmaid can be a big burden and you understand if she'd like to just be a guest.
posted by BaghdadBride 205 posts 1 month agoMaybe you could work something out with here where instead of your parents paying for their hotel room, they can cover the flower girl dress and/or her dress and they do the hotel rooms, she might feel better about paying for that even though it may come around to the same cost. It may also help her feel like she has more options as far as the hotel goes.
Also, have you heard of www.gagas.com you can actually rent flower girl dresses and groomsmen tuxes there. It has been a HUGE lifesaver for me. My aunt has three of her kids in my wedding (2 flower girls and a ring bearer) The ring bearers tux alone was going to cost $100 through the men's warehouse. I was able to find something really similar to what I was gonna get with MW and 2 flower girl dresses for a three week rental all under $100! Maybe that would be a good option.
posted by Bridemarie 39 posts 1 month ago