Weddingbee boards

Okay what would you do if your future mother in law is a registered sex offender? I already did not like her because I read her pretty quickly what she was about and I got crazy, selfish, irresponsible, and a manipulator. I got everything dead on. I hardly speak when she comes to visit but I am cordial for my Fiance's sake. She never raised any of her children because most of their life she was back and forth in jail. I did know about this sex offense because her parole officer had called our house last summer before she was to be released in the next year and asked me about where she will be staying (for the record she was NEVER going to be staying with us because Fiance didnt want her to). She told me that she could not live anywhere near children and thats when I found out that she was a registered sex offender. So when fiance came home I told him about this. He didnt speak to me about the charge but I talked to his sister and she told me. She said it like basically she had found out that her boyfriend at the time had touched a child and did not report it. I didnt think anything of it at the time because sometimes, especially in an african american community, that people tend to deal with a matter themselves rather than involve the police. I just assumed she kicked his ass about it. I dont necessarily agree with this. It should have been reported to the police, but it was a long time ago, what can I do about it now? She was charged and did her time. The crime she's doing time for now is stalking and they gave her the max which is 4 years because she has been arrested multiple times.

So... fast foward from that time to this past Thurs. My mother called me and told me what other co-workers were saying about her. They said that no one liked her and that she had molested an 8 year old girl. My mother didnt believe it until they pulled it up online. So to me, that's a whole new ballgame. I have 3 children, a 5 yr old daughter, a 3 year old son, and a 7 month old baby. I am VERY protective of my children and you mess with my child, lets just say you would rather mess with a lion's cub than do that. I looked up the record myself on criminalcheck.com where they will give the names of registered sex offenders for free and sure enough I saw this charge: "LEWD LASCIVIOUS ACT W CHILD BY FORCE" dated Jan 12, 1990... so that would make my fiance 3 about to be 4 that next month and his older sister 5. I just thought that was the sick. I want to confront my fiance about this because Im not sure he and his sister know the truth and his sister has 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy, and he has another sister that has 2 boys but stays 2 hrs away and hardly sees or speaks to her.

Ladies, what should I do? And should I confront Fiance' because he does take up for her on things but I think its because he does only have one mother, he didnt choose her or choose to be born, and probably all his life he's heard nothing but negative things about her and feels as if he "has" to defend her. HELP!!!

You need to talk to FI, because you do need to protect your children- their safety needs to be number one priority after you are married for him too

He and his sister were physically, mentally abused and neglected by his mother. Thats why she didnt really raise them. CPS actually took both him and his sister away from her twice. Today is his b-day and she came over to visit. I knew she was coming but I thought she was coming later like she said. She came over as soon as she got off the phone with him and I wasnt prepared for the visit. My older 2 children are always gone every wkend with my parents so they werent home. We just had the baby. I didnt want to ruin his day with the news I found out but he actually enjoyed her visit because me and her actually spoke. Basically, she asked questions. I answered. That was it. He wants a nice family like the   tv but unfortunately, you cannot chose your parents. So when we were headed 2 dinner he was happy about me and his mother speaking to each other and he wanted to know why it couldnt be just like that. Thats when I laid it on him slowly. He couldnt believe it. I think he was stunned. We actually realized we left the baby's formula at home, we turned around and I went inside to grab it. The conversation kind of ended there so... But it was not complete. I did want to talk more to him about this subject but I dont know if I should just push this all on him at once. Im thinking about giving it a day or two and let it soak it. I know because me and her do not get along we really dont see much of each other but its like around the holidays... what do I do?? 

So sorry that you are going through this. I think this could be much more difficult than it seems on the surface. one, if your fiance didn't know the truth about what his mom did, it could be REALLY difficult for him to process. If he did know but didn't tell you, that's not great, but I could imagine why he kept it a secret-- that is a horrible thing to have to deal with. Also, there's a chance that he didnt know, but that this news will bring back memories of what his mom did to him. It sounds like a pretty awful childhood.

I would let him process it for a few days, and then I would approach him again with a "How do you think WE should handle this?" At the end of the day, a registered sex offender cannot be in the presence of a child. So you do have that on your side. You have every right to put your foot down and say that she cannot be around the children or in the house-- and it's the LAW-- that's not just you saying that. But I think the bigger issue is working with your FI to figure this out together. Rather than coming up with a game plan now, see what he says about it in a few days. After all, if this is news to him, he could turn around and say she can never come around again. You never know what he is thinking and feeling right now.

I think you should also let his sister know the truth. But there's a good chance she already knows (after all, you just have to look it up on the sex offender list). But if she doesn't, you should let her know for the safety of her children. After all, she might be mad at you for saying something, but it is better than her children being harmed by her mother.

GOOD LUCK! I can't even pretend to know how to deal with this situation... No one can possibly know until you go through it. And there are so many different issues and situations going on. These are just a few of my thoughts of what I would do if I were in your shoes. 

Thanks so much for the advice guys. Its been really hard dealing with this. Its going to be awhile letting his sister know. She just lost the father of her oldest child this past Friday so adding this on top of her overflowing plate will just make her a huge nervous wreck not to metion a possible breakdown. I will give fiance a few days to let this sink in but if FMIL tries to come back over here again for a visit, this will be brought up again. I dont believe shes changed for the simple fact that she is still up to her old ways. I talked to his step-mother about this issue. She knew NOTHING of what was going on or what FMIL was like. I really look up to her and she was the only person within the family I could talk to and it not blow up into a family riot. Another question ladies... with this issue now, how can I have her AND children at my wedding?? I dont think this is going to be possible. I wouldnt want her around ANYONE'S children. This is just going to ruin my day. I hate to say it but things were alot easier when she was locked up.

Thanks so much everyone for your prayers/concerns. She was charged with "LEWD LASCIVIOUS ACT W CHILD BY FORCE" if anyone is knowledgable about that charge please let me know what restrictions there are. She has told nothing but lies to her children. They dont even know the truth about why she was in jail this last time. Im tired of her hurting my fiance' and family. He does not deserve a mother like her.

I am not at all saying to be friends with her.  I will say that my friend in high school got her single mother on the sex registry because she was mad that her mom grounded her; she called and reported that her mom had done some pretty awful things that she hadn't done.  CPS took her away for awhile and she regretted it and admitted that she'd made it up but her mom's still on the registry with that charge.

That being said, this doesn't sound like a woman you can trust anyway.  Who knows if she really did it or if she was simply a party to it?  Either way, even if it's "just" failing to report it, how can she fail to report that?  You can't trust her with your kids if she's the kind of person who refuses to protect children.  You can show him the charge and he can make of it what he will, but you absolutely can't trust her with your kids.  I don't care how much jail time she's done, if she's still lying to them, she can't be trusted.  You're right, you an't choose your parents.  I know that's hard for your FI but kids come first.