(Closed) wanting only 1 wedding makes me a bridezilla?? help=(

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Man I dont even know what to tell you….that seems so overwhelming! 🙁

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Assuming you have told us everything and its an accurate portrayal of FFIL expectations, I would have FI thank his parents for their input and then plan the wedding the way you want. Incorporate their traditional ceremony with the traditional dress after you do your vows and ask them to plan that ceremony (whether it is right away or another day).

And then be ready for any reaction they may have…  I suspect this is a their way or the highway. I really do believe in compromise on wedding day because its often as much about family and family politics as it is about you, but you do not want to lose your identity either in order to appease someone else that is not your fiancée.

Post # 5
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Talk to FI.  Decide what the two of you want.  And then tell your parents what you’ve decided.  You are adults and its your wedding.  Yes, you want to be respectful of your parents, but you also want to be true to yourselves.  Have FI talk to his parents (without you there) and talk to them about what you decide. 

Post # 6
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

whoa. well, i just plain wouldnt, but im didnt marry a man with a different cultural background.  could you call the mother?  maybe she is a little less “i am the man.  what i say goes” and you can have a reasonable conversation.  do his parents live in the US?

you and FI should really have a talk about what the both of you want.  does he want the wedding you FIL has described?  maybe you should have him talk to his dad and tone it down a bit.  Is this second wedding with “his people” going to be in their native land or the US?

Post # 7
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

First of all–ouch :(. It seems wrong to dictate your wedding by a culture that neither your nor your fiance grew up with. I would have FI tell him you guys will do the ‘traditional’ wedding after yours, but that you’ll be doing your wedding by your customs first. And good luck :(.

Post # 9
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

That’s a lot like Vietnamese culture too..It isn’t as bad as it sounds (at least if you are split and still would like to do that to honor your inlaws)..you can compromise and scale it down.  We’re having a traditional ceremony just with close family, then an outdoor ceremony with everyone there.  We’re scaling down both ceremonies so that can have both.  Hopefully you can work it out..

Post # 10
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@MrsE.ToBe :

Okay honey first take a really deep breath, it is going to be okay. It really is not as bad as it sounds, but because of what sounds like your FFIL’s somewhat overbearing nature it is coming across this way.

Your FMIL will be your greatest ally in navigating this situation, so please get your FO to enlist her to help out as this will make things easier for you. She will likely do a lot of talking to him behind the scenes to make things go easier. I think if you attended a Nigerian traditional wedding you would feel a lot more relaxed about all this, because it really is sooooooo completely different from the Westernised white wedding that it does not take away from it at all. It also isn’t legally binding, so look at it as being ‘symbolically’ married if you want to.

Your ‘marriage’ by his people is a lot of breaking kola nuts etc, so don’t get too stressed about any walk down the aisle or vows said. It is really more about the families than anything else. I think there is probably a way to get him to chill out and stop being so bossy, but you have to be careful not to let him use the fact that you are from a different culture as an excuse to treat you differently. As for the financials of the whle thing, I think he is being a bit weird about that to be honest. he really should be looking to help with the costs of one or the other. Maybe Igbo people do it differently though as I am from a different part of Nigeria so I’m not sure.

My approach to this would be to go deal with one thing at a time. The initial ceremony that he comes to your house for is called an introduction. Have FI speak to his mother and rope her into helping out with that then take it from there.

PM me if you need help or just want a shoulder to cry on or someone to rant to 🙂

Post # 11
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MrsE.ToBe :

I am sorry your FFIL is kinda overbearing and wont listen. I am also half Nigerian and I understand what he is talking about. However, I don’t think he should treat/hold your family to a standard that people back home who are aware of the culture are held to. I am not having a traditional ceremony but I am including some of my Nigerian culture such as the attire and other little things into our wedding. Is it a wedding that my Nigeria family will like me to have? No but FI is Mexican and German, my mom is west indian, while I am more American though I grew up n Nigeria. So we have to try to blend all these cultures and stay sane at the same time.

I will say do what is comfortable for you and FI. Your FI seriously needs to talk to his father and get him to see he is not in west africa with two africans getting married this is America and two cultures are being blended. Like someone suggested maybe talk to his mom and make your ally that way she can talk to her husband. in my opinion I thin FFIL is being annoying and ridiculous. Some in my Nigerian family are upset because my FI wont be wearing traditional or that we wont be having a full on nigerian wedding. I have told them if they want all that stuff they can pay for it and we will show up but the real wedding will be the one we have in April. Whatever you do don’t let him bully you please.

The topic ‘wanting only 1 wedding makes me a bridezilla?? help=(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors