wanting to call off engagement…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Kslim13:  please PLEAAAASE go to counceling, both alone and couples. It will help you a lot to decide and also to see if some of the issues you have with your fi (him being possesive) can get resolved.

Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Kslim13:  Your posts here don’t give many details. But 1) your gut is telling you to run, and I think it’s always best policy to HEED YOUR GUT; 2) you mention cheating (though don’t say whose), and that suggests to me that your cold feet aren’t simply a symptom of some larger anxiety disorder, but instead reflect a real and serious problem in your relationship.

You know, I had a brief period of anxiety after getting engaged as well. For maybe three or four days, I felt it. After all, committing to spend the rest of your life with someone is a huge deal. But even during that period, my anxiety was outweighed by sheer disbelieving delight that this man whom I loved above all others would be my companion for the rest of my life. And the anxiety? It dissipated after a few days, and I’ve never felt it again.

Your anxiety is different. It really does seem to indicate that you know, deep down, this marriage isn’t what you want or need. You should respect that — and, yes, as another Bee said, find a therapist so you can talk this out and work through it and try to reach clarity in a calm, supportive environment.

Post # 5
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

Just read your last post, and him being possessive is a huge red flag. He doesn’t like when you spend time with other people? Not ok. When you said you have dealt with cheating it wasn’t clear whether it was you or him who cheated, but even if it was you and you both worked past it, he doesn’t have a right to control who you spend your time with outside of him.

If that’s one of the main reasons you are unhappy, then leave. Most of the time that sort of thing doesn’t turn out well.

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I saw your post and was compelled to create an account so I could respond to it. I have called off an engagement. Before I go into what happened, let me preface this by saying I know how hard this is because I have been there. I am really feeling for you, and will be wishing you the best as you navigate this.

I was engaged when I was in my mid twenties to someone I thought was exactly the right “fit” for me. In hindsight I realize there was a really distructive pattern to our relationship and by the time my “gut” started to tell me it had to end, the inertia of being engaged had masked all the other (huge) red flags.

Your post really resonated with me because I did exactly what you are doing. I moved out to a “temporary” arrangement. I knew it was right because even with the little bit of space and distance I got moving out, I felt a huge wave of relief. From there I knew I had to end it.

It was the single best thing I ever did for myself. I want to tell you to value your own happiness – not to the detriment of others, or and not in shallow ways, but to truly believe that you deserve to be happy, in a relationship that makes you feel good and not scared, where you can breathe freely and don’t want to run or hide. If you choose to end it, there will be some uncomfortable times, but you will never have to feel like you sold yourself out. It’s ok to make mistakes on the road to happiness – I repeat – it is ok. Listen to yourself, and you will make it.

 

Post # 8
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Kslim13:  When you get a point in a relationship when you ‘act single’, it’s over. I don’t see how you could hurt someone you love.. I’d stay away.

Post # 9
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

@Kslim13:  sorry for what you are going through. Possessiveness is hard to deal with and is often bad news. It really is a relief go get away from that. Stay safe (possessive people can get violent without previous signs). So happy you had somewhere to go 🙂

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