Post # 1
so since my last post, i have decided to temporarily move out, living in my furniture-less condo ( sold almost all my stuff after moving in with him…), i still have extreme anxiety on what to do with my situation. i just feel very detached and cold from my fiance. in my head i keep saying that im done and want out, but everytime i see him i get very emotional in thinking about calling it all off.
i know he’s starting to really sense that im not happy and cold towards him, but im terrified of breaking his heart. he’s said time and time again that im the one, and he loves me very much. i dont want to hurt him, and im afraid to tell him how i really feel. im just confused, and dont want to be living a lie, and act like everything can be ok, when in my head its not.
i just dont know what to do, has anyone been in this type of situation before, or ended an engagement.
Post # 3
@Kslim13: please PLEAAAASE go to counceling, both alone and couples. It will help you a lot to decide and also to see if some of the issues you have with your fi (him being possesive) can get resolved.
Post # 4
@Kslim13: Your posts here don’t give many details. But 1) your gut is telling you to run, and I think it’s always best policy to HEED YOUR GUT; 2) you mention cheating (though don’t say whose), and that suggests to me that your cold feet aren’t simply a symptom of some larger anxiety disorder, but instead reflect a real and serious problem in your relationship.
You know, I had a brief period of anxiety after getting engaged as well. For maybe three or four days, I felt it. After all, committing to spend the rest of your life with someone is a huge deal. But even during that period, my anxiety was outweighed by sheer disbelieving delight that this man whom I loved above all others would be my companion for the rest of my life. And the anxiety? It dissipated after a few days, and I’ve never felt it again.
Your anxiety is different. It really does seem to indicate that you know, deep down, this marriage isn’t what you want or need. You should respect that — and, yes, as another Bee said, find a therapist so you can talk this out and work through it and try to reach clarity in a calm, supportive environment.
Post # 5
Just read your last post, and him being possessive is a huge red flag. He doesn’t like when you spend time with other people? Not ok. When you said you have dealt with cheating it wasn’t clear whether it was you or him who cheated, but even if it was you and you both worked past it, he doesn’t have a right to control who you spend your time with outside of him.
If that’s one of the main reasons you are unhappy, then leave. Most of the time that sort of thing doesn’t turn out well.
Post # 6
I saw your post and was compelled to create an account so I could respond to it. I have called off an engagement. Before I go into what happened, let me preface this by saying I know how hard this is because I have been there. I am really feeling for you, and will be wishing you the best as you navigate this.
I was engaged when I was in my mid twenties to someone I thought was exactly the right “fit” for me. In hindsight I realize there was a really distructive pattern to our relationship and by the time my “gut” started to tell me it had to end, the inertia of being engaged had masked all the other (huge) red flags.
Your post really resonated with me because I did exactly what you are doing. I moved out to a “temporary” arrangement. I knew it was right because even with the little bit of space and distance I got moving out, I felt a huge wave of relief. From there I knew I had to end it.
It was the single best thing I ever did for myself. I want to tell you to value your own happiness – not to the detriment of others, or and not in shallow ways, but to truly believe that you deserve to be happy, in a relationship that makes you feel good and not scared, where you can breathe freely and don’t want to run or hide. If you choose to end it, there will be some uncomfortable times, but you will never have to feel like you sold yourself out. It’s ok to make mistakes on the road to happiness – I repeat – it is ok. Listen to yourself, and you will make it.
Post # 7
we both cheated on eachother at one point or another during our 5 years together. i went through some years were i wanted to be single, so thats what i did. i acted single, even though i was in a relationship, which was horrible, i know.
i never truly got to enjoy the single life, well ever. i had a boyfriend for 3 years in high school, then met my fiance soon after and started dating. i never got to live the completely independent, single lifestyle like most people do. which maybe led me to cheat, he as well cheated but i didnt find out till a year or two later. we were able to reconcile, but he never completely moved on from the fact, and he does of huge insecurities to this day.
i dont like the possessive-ness he has, over constantly inquiring about the people i hang out with. im a pretty free spirited carefree person compared to him. when we moved in together i cut certain people(men specifically) out of my social life cause i thought it was inappropriate. but yet that seemed to never be enough for him. the minute we became engaged my eyes stopped wandering, so to speak. even though i had my cheating past, i was over it, and completely faithful. he though still had his doubts, and it turned from “i dont trust you” to ” i trut you, but i dont trust them”.
i think its unfair for him to turn the table like that, to were i still have to feel guilty for anything i do. im just confused at this point, and now living back in my condo i feel completely relaxed, compared to everytime i see him i feel stress. im just lost. utterly lost.
Post # 8
@Kslim13: When you get a point in a relationship when you ‘act single’, it’s over. I don’t see how you could hurt someone you love.. I’d stay away.
Post # 9
@Kslim13: sorry for what you are going through. Possessiveness is hard to deal with and is often bad news. It really is a relief go get away from that. Stay safe (possessive people can get violent without previous signs). So happy you had somewhere to go 🙂