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@Sweetie Pie 21: PS i actually don't WANT to move out. i love our life together but it's just starting to hurt too much waiting and waiting and timelines changing and the topic not being up for discussion. you know?
is the delay that he doesnt want to say the words will you marry me/committment issues or is it finances that is holding him back?
if you were my friend i would ask you how many years of your life are you prepared to give to another person and not get what you want out of it?
@eloping: i never thought of him as having committment issues but i'm starting to wonder. i don't think it's money.
I do know that a ring has been in action since before the timeline.... he told me special ordered a ring.
How old are you? There's several younger bees who have had a period of knowing they want to marry their SO but just not being ready yet (or are still in that period). I've known I've wanted to marry my SO for more than 3 years but it hasn't happened yet because we know we're not financially ready for it yet.
if my BF said to me i dont want to talk to you about this now my response would be well when can we talk about it.
in a perfect world where emotions and pain and tears dont play a part i would tell him what i needed, asked what he is prepared to give and then say well that doesnt suit me and i deserve someone who loves me enough to want to be with me and that includes marriage and move out
of course this is easy for me to type but i cant imagine how hard it is to put into practise but i dont think its fair to you to keep giving more of yourself to a relationship while he feels he doesnt need to give you long term stability and love
edit:
some things happened which made him not want to stick with the timeline. (i don't want to share what because you guys will just judge me, and it's just too personal
oh and also depends on what happened - i mean if you cheated well i can understand there are issues to work out
How long have you two been together? You obviously are very frustrated, but I don't think pressuring and pestering him is going to get you the results you're looking for (a ring). A man will propose when he is ready and it sounds like for whatever reason he's not ready right now. He may have been telling you a proposal was coming because he knew that's what you wanted to hear. He also may be hesitant due to whatever you did that you don't want to speak on, and in that case he probably needs more time to regain your trust. Moving out (out of spite) probably won't push him to hurry things along, but at the same time continuing to play house might not either. Good luck!
@eloping: that's what i need. the feeling of a true committment. marriage. i've told him i honestly won't feel comfortable in the relationship until we are moving towards a real committment. i think that says a lot. but he doesn't get it. your right.
He's avoiding the situation hardcore for whatver reason. Guys are different and don't like to discuss any fears or emotions. I would be very frustrated at this point..you need to sit down and think what YOU want out of the relationship and then be upfront and ask him if he's willing to provide that. If not, you'll need to be content being bf/gf instead of married or move on..
i'm not pestering him i haven't brought it up for 7 months. the problem is he's very committed to keeping it traditional surprising me bla bla, but i don't even care about all that. so he could be working on it or he could not be. i don"t know
I really want to go to his work right now (he owns a business and it's slow so i wouldn't really be bothering him) and just confront him and see where he's really at and not let him avoid the conversation. what do you guys think?
bad idea - work is not the place for this, you need to sit somewhere private where there are no interuptions or people snooping. blindsiding him at his place of business is very bad
@eloping: i just feel like it's never the right time. and he doesn't mind me visiting him at work at all. ps-thanx for the input!
I voted for you to move out. I'm in a somewhat similar situtation. My boyfriend promised me we would get engaged by the time I'd been living here a year. It'll be a year in March and now he's magically upped the timeline to "by this summer". If I don't see movement by July I'm moving back home. There is no reason you should put your life on hold for him because he isn't in the same place as you. If you're ready to get married and he's not, tell him that sucks for him and that you're no longer giving him the benefits of a live-in partner when he's not willing to make you happy by getting engaged.
I'm the "other" vote in the poll. Like Eloping said, it really depends what happened between the two of you that made him feel like he should change the timeline... for instance, if it was something like swearing at, hitting, or cheating then I think it was a smart idea to put off a proposal. Also, I don't think you should just move out without having a long heart-to-heart discussion with him first. Ask him what his plans are and explain what your desires are to him, even if it means making it clear to him that you don't care if you ruin the surprise. If, after all that, the two of you can't come to an agreement or if it's clear you aren't on the same page, then moving out might not be a bad idea.
Sorry you're going through this, by the way.
I agree that a discussion is in order. But perhaps even the threat of you moving out would be enough to light a fire under him. Right now it sounds like he is taking you for granted, which is never healthy in a relationship, especially when he broke his promises to you about your timeline. I would talk, and if that seems to get you nowhere, I would then start looking for a new place on your own. Until then, starting focusing on YOU and getting your life in order!
I wouldn't move out, if it was me. I would just want to have a conversation to make sure we were on the same page. I tend to think on the bright side and just pray he has things in the works and has things under control. Have a calm and respectful convo with him :)
I voted other... you mentioned that something happened that made him not want to stick with the timeline... well without knowing what that was, but if you have broken his trust in any way or gone through a bad patch maybe he is entitled to more time?
That said, you haven't brought it up for 7 months and rather than just moving out on him, why not instigate a discussion with him on what is actually going on and see if you can come up with a plan together to move forward. If he is unwilling to talk to you about this, then you can let him know you are considering moving out.
thanks for all the imput ladies i definately need to have a heart to with him and find out where he's at and how he feels. i'm very unconfrontational and he's very good at dismissing the importance of things i need to talk to him about that are important to me. this will be a great chance to figure out how to tell him "this is impotant to me, don't dismiss it" only i don't know how to do that. any suggestions?
@Sweetie Pie 21: I would start with something like, "[Name/pet name], I think we need to talk about engagement/marriage/the future." If he tries to brush it off saying it isn't important, reply, "It's important to me." If he says he'd like to just see where things go, say you aren't comfortable with that. If he says he wants it to be a surprise when the time comes, tell him that you aren't comfortable with him getting to call all the shots and need to have a general timeline, not a date or a proposal plan.
I know this might not be what you want to hear, but I would be more concerned with an inability to communicate effectively (you not wanting to voice your opinions/take a stand, him brushing you off) than a lack of proposal.
@AnastasiaM: you are so right. i have been worried about that lately. i need to learn how to let him now it's not okay
@AnastasiaM: KNOW** i can spell i just woke up from a nap i don't type well when i'm groggy ! haha!
Men are simple.
If he wants to marry you, he will. If not, he won't.
It might hurt really bad, but I feel like its time to move home.
@Sweetie Pie 21: I do know that a ring has been in action since before the timeline.... he told me special ordered a ring
He also told you that he would propose by July... but didn't. Maybe sit him down, explain how you are feeling and that you are considering moving out if he doesn't talk about this properly. You deserve someone who has the same goals as you!
My parents met overseas and when my Dad dragged his heels my Mum moved back to the UK. My Dad followed her.
I do think that sometimes men don't realise what they've got. That said, if you're going to move: go for you, and not for him.
I agree with PPs about talking to him about it. But since he doesn't seem to want to have the conversation, when he refuses I suggest saying that somethings come up in your hometown and your thinking of moving. Or say you're going to take some time out because it's important to you. Don't make it about him, that's just pressure, make it about you and what you want. Sometimes we have to be selfish.
@ladyartichoke: oh ya i'm definately not thinking about it for any reason other than that i miss my hometown and would love to live there until we get married!
@ladyartichoke: This. I voted you should move out, but you should definitely be doing it for yourself. Sometimes a little distance is good in a relationship. My boyfriend has been living like a bum at my house and I recently asked him to go home because he seemed to think that always being here was the same as spending time together, even though we barely ever spoke to each other (partially my fault for buying him a video game for Christmas). Since he's gone home, we've spent more time actually interacting with each other.
I think you need to clearly be able to tell him why you want to be married. I didn't go through a waiting period but I did have a very long engagement. For me, being engaged gave me the time to be ready to be married while keeping me in the relationship even when it was hard. The point I am making is, I do not think you should leave unless you are really unhappy. Leaving to make him propose could also send the wrong message, that you are not committed or happy in your relaitonship. If you enjoy your life together, you need to vocalize the reasons you want to be engaged, not run away from teh issue. I agree that there is a communication problem on both sides related to this topic so if you can bring it up and start a productive conversation, things may change. Only once you have had a serious conversation, would I even consider a move and only if you are truely unhappy in your situation living together without being engaged.
Did you move to him and maybe are feeling homesick or missing friends, fmaily, job? Possibly take a trip to visit your family alone and stay for a week or two without moving. It may have the effect you want.
It's clear he doesn't want to talk about it, but I think you guys need to just set a date/time to do it. That way he will come prepared with his thoughts/feelings (or not, but at least he had the heads up) and you can do the same. I don't think blindsiding anyone is a good idea, especially on such an important topic! If you stress that this is important to you and you really just need a time to sit down and hash it out, he should be able to make that happen for you. There is never a perfect time to have a hard talk, but sometimes it makes it a little easier if both of you know you can come to the table prepared.
@Sweetie Pie 21: I'm engaged. We're set to be married April of 2013.
My fiance and I only knew each other for 9 months before he proposed. When a man knows what he wants, he does it. Men don't sit and contemplate like women do. They are simple critters (or at least that is my experience with them).
I saw that he is 35, you are 28. Is there anything in his life or your life that would make getting married hard? For instance... are you in school? Is he in school? Does he have children? Is his job stable?
If NOTHING is in the way of him proposing... then he may just not want to get married. Or may not think you are thr right person.
My ex boyfrined and I dated for 6 years. I waited and waited. He told me we would be married over and over. I decided to leave him. Sure enough a year later he's married. He didn't want to marry me. He had no intention of getting married to me. He just dragged it on.
So I am not trying to be rude or mean when I am saying this... I am just trying to be straight to the point. If he wanted to get married. He would. He knows you want to ... so I don't see what's stopping him other than really not wanting to be married.
Good luck.
I have a friend who was in a similar situation - together for years, living together for several years, boyfriend was 35 and she was late 20s. He kept saying they'd get married, just never did anything. She was getting frustrated for months.
She hired a moving truck and left the rental reservation printout on the kitchen table. She got a proposal and a ring the NEXT DAY.
@sweetcrackers: wow! it would be great if it that happened to me! haha
My fiance and I dated for 7 years before we got engaged. However, when it became the right time in our lives (school finishing and jobs happening) he popped the question. So, is the timing right?
MY advice is that you cannot sit around waiting forever. I assume you love him and don't want to leave him. I think that maybe he needs some kind of shocking event to happen. If you remain living with him and leading the life of a married couple, what motivation does he have to propose? I think you should move out and maybe he will come to his senses or realize that there is no reason to be putting it off.
You don't want to pressure him into marrying you though if thats not really what he wants. Then you would just be on the road to divorce. But it really does sound like y'all need to have a open hearted talk.
@derosa: we have known we're gona get get married for over a year. there's no question about that, there never has been. ya he may need to realise how much he would have to lose if i wasn't here. thanx for the input!
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hi ladies. i haven't posted in a long time. i don't feel like making this long or full of details. so here's the short and sweet version: i live with the Boyfriend... he told me a year and two months ago that he knew he wanted to marry me but wasn't ready to propose. which made No sense to me. he gave me a timeline that by the end of July it would happen. some things happened which made him not want to stick with the timeline. (i don't want to share what because you guys will just judge me, and it's just too personal) he had told me it was still on a month before and even a week before the end of the timeline came. i was super excited. it wasn't until the last day of the end of timeline that he told me it wasn't going to happen. i was devastated mostly because he lead me to believe it was coming. i've been really cool about it and understanding since the initial shock and disappointment wore off. i gave him time, i gave the issue space and didn't talk about it. but now all of a sudden i realize it's SEVEN MONTHS past that timeline!! and i feel really upset. we live together like a married couple, and there's no sign of moving towards marriage right now. i brought it up last night and his response was"can we talk about this when you're not on your period and i'm not about to go bed?" the truth is he just doesn't want to talk about it. ever. should i take a step back and move back to my hometown? i kinda feel like i want to. if i did i wouldn't want to move back in together again until we got married. nice imput would be appreciated. thanx girls