- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Yeah, it’s another long one. I’ve got no one I can vent to about this, so I’m doing it here… 😛
I’m expecting an official proposal any day now–we have already talked about wanting to get married in the very near future and we have acknolwedged that if we are going to do it this year it has to be August 26 (family schedules). I had told him I could plan a wedding in three months, but after I discovered how crazy it is going to be, I recently told him I need much closer to four months (he made a joke about, “Well, I guess I better get my rear in gear and make this happen”).
So, I’m waiting… and I’m not very good at waiting/patience at all! I’m a take-charge, independent type.
To keep myself occupied while I wait, I’ve been scouting out ideas/possibilities/tips/info, etc, so that we can hit the ground running on our short engagement, but I can’t go any further than I have already. Being in limbo like this is a HUGE strain for me (when I’m worried about something in the future, I start planning and getting super anal-retentive) and it’s taking a ton of emotional energy to be rational and keep things at an even keel. Add in the fact that the moment we go “official,” it’s a time crunch on a minimal budget… and my stress is through the roof.
I’ve been in a bad mood for the last 24 hours, despite all my efforts to refocus. I’m also starting to get resentful for two reasons, and I’m afraid of that resentment spilling over into other parts of our relationship: 1–I really don’t care about a ring (he does, so we’ve compromised with a low-cost ring and something simple); and 2–Why the hell do I have to wait for HIM??? Why is this on HIS schedule???? (I do have the dream of a formal proposal, but a large part of myself is happy to forgo it if it gets things moving faster, haha).
I know all the feminist reasons why a male-led proposal/engagement is silly and disempowering, and I’m feeling them 100% right now. But it’s important for him to have a ring and a formal proposal because that’s what he’s always dreamed of and because I love him I don’t want to take that away from him–like me, it’s taken himtwo decades of adulthood to find someone.
I’m trying so hard to be patient. It’s funny, he’s always been the one who has pushed this relationship further along while I’ve held back. I guess the shoe is just on the other foot, now. 😛
But how to cope? I’m reaching the end of my rope (yes, it’s a short rope,haha).
UPDATE: As long as I’m whining, I might as well add that the last six weeks have stretched my coping skills to the max: death of a friend, car accident that totaled my car (we’re going to cut corners on repairs to keep it below the Total standard), and 7 weeks of health problems that will be landing me in the gastroenterologist’s office next week for various plumbing inspections. So, not a lot of reserves left here…).