Post # 1
My FSIL found out yesterday that she is having a boy! The whole family is so happy… other than her, her husband, and 4 year old daughter…
FSIL and FBIL always said how they ONLY wanted to have another girl since their 4 year old daughter is so well-behaved whereas a potential son wouldn’t be. (I don’t know why they think a second girl will behave just like the first or why they are automatically assuming a boy would be a terror… but whatever.)
Anyway, long story short, my fiance, the rest of his family, and I just don’t get it. How can she be SO upset about having a boy? I would think having a healthy baby should be the most important thing.
Since hearing the news, FSIL seems to be behaving in bizarre ways. I will list some of the things she has done below… but can someone please tell me if this is normal? Do other mothers-to-be get THIS upset over having a baby not being the sex they wanted them to be?
- After telling us all the news of having a boy and us congratulating her, she said to stop and that she didn’t want congratulations since it’s not what she wanted.
- She keeps telling everyone that “she doesn’t know how to be a BOY mom.” (She didn’t know how to be a girl mom until she had her daughter…)
- She said her and her husband are refusing to think of boy names until they have the baby because they are hoping the ultrasound was wrong.
- She has started blaming her 4 year old daughter for feeling this way. “DD wanted a sister SO bad and now she’s pissed she’s having a brother.” (For some background, FSIL has spent the past year while trying to get pregnant telling her daughter things like, “we don’t want another smelly boy around here” and “I am going to give you a baby sister” so I could see why a 4 year old would be disappointed about the news. Plus, obviously mommy wasn’t excited when she gave her daughter the news so I’m sure she may have been mimicking her mommy’s emotions.) Even her announcement on Facebook was said, “We are having a boy and DD is PISSED.”
- She keeps asking us questions like, “well what am I supposed to do with all this pink clothes now? Just throw it away?” Even though we have suggested selling or donating it many times. We’ve also suggested keeping it for future grandkids or future nieces. (Her and her husband agreed this would be their last baby.) She ended up throwing everything away and then complained about it “being her only option.”
- Complaining to my MOH (who has been TTC for MONTHS now) about having a boy. Obviously my MOH is upset now that she is complaining about having a healthy baby boy while she is still struggling to have any baby.
- Literally ignoring anyone who tries to congratulate her or ask her anything about the baby or telling them that she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Post # 2
Wow this does not sound normal. I feel so bad for that healthy little boy. I hope she gets therapy or something. How long have they known it’s a boy?
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
She sounds like a genuinely awful person.
Post # 4
This is really sad! Ive known friends be disappointed by having all babies the same gender but they quickly got over it and became excited for another boy/girl. To them it was more of an ‘oh, we really were hoping for the opposite sex, but oh well, another boy/girl will be lovely!’. But this sounds awful, far beyond the immediate disappointment. My concern would be whether she will treat this baby differently for being a boy.
Post # 5
This is awful. I just can’t even. I genuinely hope she changes her tune when that beautiful little boy is born. He doesn’t deserve this.
Post # 6
Kate127 : I’ve been worrying about that too…
Post # 7
This is definitely going wayyy too far on her part. I’m desperate to have a baby girl, and I think that if I only have boys I might feel a little sad that I wouldn’t have the daughter I always dreamed of, but in the end a baby is a baby, and I’d still love and want him! I don’t think any normal person would be so disappointed in not getting the sex they wanted as to go on about it the way your FSIL is acting. I’m worried about how her family is going to treat that poor boy as he grows up! I don’t know how to best handle this other than to just not bring up the baby from now on/shut down conversations about it in the future, but this is DEFINITELY not normal behavior!
Post # 8
We could give her the benefit of the doubt and guess that she’s just panicked over how to parent a boy… She’s definitely lost site of what’s important here, and I’m really sorry she hurt your MOH 🙁
I hear that gender disappointment can be normal to certain degrees but she is way over the top, it might just be her way of channeling her anxiety.
I wanted a boy and convinced myself I was having a boy, I was afraid i would be disappointed if it turned out to be a girl, but I was ecstatic when I found out that I was having a girl.
My FSIL on the other hand has always wanted a girl, dreamed of having a daughter. She says she’s cursed with boys and was pissed after the scan of her second showed they were having another boy. While she hides this, my FBIL doesn’t know when to shut his mouth so he whines and complains, ALSO saying he’s cursed with boys.
I haven’t experienced it myself, but I’ve seen it. My FSIL has major issues that play into her actions, and I’m wondering if anxiety might be getting the best of your FSIL.
Post # 9
Yuck. Her attitude is disgusting. How long has it been since she found out she would be having a boy? Hopefully this reaction is just temporary and she’ll come around soon enough. Ugh.
Post # 10
Sansa85 : I think this is a good point. I have a feeling she’s might be panicked about “change” and not knowing what to expect with a boy.
On the other hand, as much as I complain about my FSIL, she really is a super mom. She will be able to handle anything given to her.
Post # 11
People are entitled to their feelings, their disappointment, whatever, but if it goes as far as upsetting other people, it needs to stop there. One should be considerate of the fact that there are a lot of people who would just love a healthy baby, like your MOH who is TTC.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2017 - Cottage
underblueskies1016 : this is a little too crazy. She should either have an abortion if it’s not too late or 2. Give the baby up for addoption. Np baby deserbes to be loated this much just because of his gender. This is fucked up, whatch this somehow trigger him hatting himself for being a boy.. he wil struggle his while life.. he will feel like some huge disappointment to them. She at least needs therapy if she is keeping this baby.
Post # 13
Are you close with her? Maybe if you talk to her you can get a feel for what’s really going on, tell her she’s not acting like herself and maybe get her to open up a bit.
Post # 14
Ahhh…this is probably an unpopular opinion, but honestly, I think you should let her feel how she feels and leave her alone about it. Pregnancy can be so emotionally difficult, and judging her for her feelings doesn’t help.
Honestly, I had some disappointment when I first found out I was having a boy. I had always dreamed of having a little girl, and thought I didn’t know what I would do with a boy, and how I’d have no idea to parent a boy. Then to add insult to injury my IL’s were constantly giving me a hard time my whole pregnancy because they knew I secretly wanted a girl…so they told me I was definitely having a boy and he was going to be nothing like me, and exactly like DH…which just got under my skin because they were making me feel like an incubator instead of a mother. Then at my ultrasound the technician told us it was a boy and I had to fight back my initial reaction.
The worst part about that disappointment is that it’s taboo, and you aren’t allowed to share it with people because you get judged which is kind of the last thing you want piled on you on top of all the other feelings you’re having. And I do totally get why people judge…pregnancy and TTC can be incredibly difficult, and so many things can go wrong and OF COURSE you feel grateful that you could conceive and that your babies healthy. At the same time, you’re fighting your gut reaction because you know people are going to give you hell for it.
I kept my feelings to myself, and just bottled them up. I only shared it with my DH and my mom. I let myself feel really down about it for 2 days. I read a lot about it to prepare myself because I knew I’d have disappointment if I found out I was having a boy…and it seems to be more common than people talk about (again because I think we shame people for having feelings like that). The articles I read discussed it in the sense of processing the loss of a the dream you created for yourself…you have to let go of the child you created in your mind and embrace a new version (the actual version, which is always going to be different than what you built up in your imagination)…and it can be hard.
After the second day I felt much better and I was able to get excited about my pregnancy again…I will say my feelings were not as extreme as your FSIL. There was no point that I felt like I didn’t love my future child, and didn’t want to continue planning for his arrival (ie–the name thing with your FSIL). Also, like I said I wasn’t about to go around talking about it. So, I’d say…yes, gender/sex disappointment can be common. Your FSIL is a bit extreme on it, but again feelings are feelings…let her process them.
Post # 15
underblueskies1016 : I’m a firm believer that people are entitled to their feelings, but this is too much. She’s already setting her daughter up to hate her new little brother, alienating friends with infertility that would be happy for ANY baby, and trying to get other people to pity her that she has to buy some new clothes? Also I really hope she donated the pink ones rather than throwing them in the trash – lots of families would need those!
I’m 31 weeks now and after our IVF journey my husband and I are just psyched to be having a baby. Do I have a slight preference? Yup. Will I be disappointed if it’s not my preference? Maybe if I had found out ahead of time I’d feel a bit bummed, but that’s one of the reasons we’re waiting until the kid is born to find out gender – who can be disappointed after meeting your baby for the first time after hours of labor?!