- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Hello again, bees. So I am here again for more perspective.
This is one that I have been sitting on for a little while, but recently a new occurence sprung the issue back in my mind.
So some months ago, I had been annoyed with DH because it seemed that each time I came to him to talk, whether it be catching up on our day or week, or just to tell him a funny joke he would either be already on his phone and wouldn’t put it away or look up to listen or would pull out his phone to start fiddling on it. I had also been grappling with feeling angry that he was turning me down for sex and not acknowledging my bids for intimacy (love notes, or sweet acts of service like warming up his towel while he’s taking a shower, or getting up out of bed on my days off to make him coffee for him to take to work).
So one day, I was on the computer my DH & I share and noticed he had not logged out of his Facebook and email accounts. I admit I should not have gone there but curiousity got the best of me and I felt compelled to see if I could figure out what the heck he was so busy doing instead of listening when I was trying to connect with him.
I stumbled onto emails upon emails he had been exchanging with a girl. A girl he had never mentioned to me. What I found out about the girl was that DH had met her while on travel, a couple years before him & I met and started dating. The girl lived/lives a couple of states away. He would share tid bits about his life, his dreams and goals and wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs confessing his love to her, complimenting her beauty and even sharing his erotic day dreaming about her. All the while, she reciprocated all of it, and without any hestitation. The kicker was that he knew she was engaged, and the both of them never made mention of guilt over it. I was shocked at how freely my DH expressed his feelings to her, how romantic his words were and much he fantasized about her. None of those type of sentiments had he ever expressed to me, and especially in the way he did to her. I was so hurt.
HOWEVER; what stopped me from getting livid was; all of the lovey and sexual messages; they all stopped when we started dating. The week we started dating he sent her an email to let her know. She took the news well…considering she herself was still engaged. However, the ALMOST DAILY emails did not stop. He still shared tid bits about his days, his goals and dreams and always sweetly asked her how her days were going. In no other subsequent emails did he ever again refer to me.
The last email last/most recent email that I found was sent last spring, about a month after he had proposed to me. One email sent a couple days before we got engaged read like this:
Girl: “I drank too much and danced too much (in the highest heels ever). I felt dead tired the whole next day and my leg muscles felt like they had gone through a meat tenderizer. Haha!”
DH: “When you describe it, I wish I was there to see it. It sounds like it was a blast! Was it good 80’s music? And more importantly, how high were those heels? :-)”
In that same email, she asks him about his birthday to which he said “I went to a local bar and saw some old friends”. The one detail he (always) forgot to mention was that I, his girlfriend, was with him. When he proposed to me, he never mentioned to her he had gotten engaged, instead it was “My week was boring. I am getting older, and I guess I am starting to like boring”.
This all bothered me so much. I was devestated that he communicated more about his days, dreams, flirted more with her than he did with me. I couldn’t believe he was sharing all of this to a girl he had never told me about, and that he only mentioned me once in emails spanning two years. I was a wreck for about a week, but I never opened up to him about it. I went to a counselor once to talk it out with someone, but then put it all behind me.
This was a couple of months ago. Now going forward to last night, we are in the car. He is driving, and I ask if I can have pick of the music to play off his phone. He says sure. I say I am going to chose from his playlists. A couple of seconds after I’ve already started scrolling through (and see a playlist titled after the girl’s name), he yells “No! Don’t do that!!!” I am taken aback at the panic in his voice. So I get out of the playlist and pick something else. Then we ride in silence, minus the music, for the rest of the 20 minutes of the ride home from our date night.
When we get home, I ask him why he was so panicked about me looking through his playlist. He said he “just got confused,” which I still don’t understand… Then I ask, playfully, if it’s because he had playlists he made for another girl. He looks at me bewildered, and asks who. Ok, this girls name is similiar to my DH’s name. Let’s change it up & say that his name is Francesco and her’s is Francesca, and the playlist title is “Franny”. So I said “Franny” and he says “That’s me.” I said, “Oh no that’s not you and there’s a Franny. Why did you freak out so much over that?” And he finally says, “Fine.” and I said “I just don’t understand why you freaked out so much. I have always been honest and transparent about all my exes.” Then he answers “It’s not like that. I am not as open as you are, and it’s complicated. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
I let it go. I asked if I upset him, and he said no. I asked if we were OK and he said yes. I asked if I could kiss him and we did. We watched a movie, and went to bed without any ill thoughts – at least on my end.
So my question is: Did I mess up by snooping and then mentioning this girl the way I did? Was he acting odd? Should I be worried? Or does it sound like this is all behind us?