Was he inappropriate? Does it matter anymore? Did I snoop too much?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
7923 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you have to just get it all on the table and hash it out. You can’t unknow… How will you ever not think about it? I would say… “HEY WTF DH I shouldnt have but I did. What do you have to say about it?” 

That’s just me- I wouldn’t be able to just ignore it.

Post # 3
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would be VERY upsest. Namely because of the secrets but also because of this other woman. WTF is that?? Both of you are doing this all wrong. You should be telling him what you know and what you feel and he should be telling you about her or more importantly not talking to her at all. 

Whe whole thing is weird. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but the lack of communication between you two is troubling. Why does he have this secret from you? Why are you so tip-toe-y around talking talking about this stuff? If this were me (I’m guessing you want other’s perspectives, yes?) I would be laying it all out on the table and forcing a dialogue on this secrecy and this other woman. No, I don’t think I would be taking this quietly AT ALL.

Is it that you are afraid of a further emotional backlash from him that would lead to an argument? Are you afraid of appearing or fessing up to snooping? Do you feel like you did something wrong by snooping? (I for one think that “snooping” is nonexistant in a marriage because everything should be on the table). And I’m also wondering, you seem to write this like perhaps you feel you are the guilty one. He’s the one with a secret person, not you.

Post # 5
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

You need to get him to tell you who this person is. Yes, you will have to admit to snooping, but otherwise this is going to fester. 

Post # 6
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

always-trying:  I would be very hurt if my FI did this. I would be offended and upset. 

I don’t think snooping was necessarily the right thing to do….but I can’t say I blame you, honestly. I’d be a bit hurt and peeved if FI was always on his phone and ignored anything I tried to do for him. 

I think your FI is acting extremely strange and suspicious, and frankly, I think you and him need to have a long and serious discussion on what’s up. You’re marrying him. He should be able to at least put down the phone and reciprocate. He should not be acting panicky when you are looking at his playlists. He should be able to discuss things like exes honestly, and without hiding behind a rather flimsy excuse that “it’s complicated”. 

Post # 7
1313 posts
Bumble bee

Yep, I’d be offended, upset and hurt.  I’d want to know who this chick is to him at this point in his ife and why they STILL have this relationship.

Post # 8
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m not going to blast you for snooping. You felt something was lacking in your relationship and you mention being turned down by him for sex and you also mention him being on his phone more than usual.. If my husband started to act like that and left his social media profile or email logged in I cannot say I wouldn’t snoop. I would never just snoop on him but, when there’s smoke there’s fire.. You smelled smoke and found fire. 

I would demand to know everything. No matter how bad it hurts.. I would never be able to ignore this. Actually, the second he left his email open and I found emails to another woman like the ones you’re describing, I don’t think I would be able to keep my mouth shut. 


Post # 9
1356 posts
Bumble bee

I think its better to get this out in the open, in part because I don’t think its appropriate for him to continue this type of relationship and I think you need a discussion with him about boundaries and what constitutes cheating to each of you, including emotionally cheating. You say a couple of times that you were ready to sweep it under the rug but you also say you were devastated and saw a counselor. Personally, I don’t think I could trust SO again without discussing this. You might need to phrase it as I snooped, but I don’t want to go on snooping and not trusting you for the rest of my life so I want to discuss this and get it out in the open.

This whole situation seems very strange. The strange part being he’s leading this sort of double life, the fantasy flirtation with her all the while meeting you and getting engaged fairly quickly, in a year or so.

Post # 10
377 posts
Helper bee

Confront him! I don’t understand why you’re trying to push this under the rug. You cannot have a healthy relationship that way and you know it… Honesty, trust and communication are the three main pillars of a relationship. Without them, the whole thing just falls apart. Btw, I’d be pretty pissed if my FI referred to our relationship/engagement as “boring”. I’d tell him that if spending his life with me is so boring, then I’ll do him a favour and leave, so he can go have “exciting” times with this other girl. Ugh…

Post # 15
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010


What a long post! 

Does it really matter what your husband did before you were dating? 


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