Was I being a rude bride?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

What you did is the opposite of rude. The bridesmaid who was offended is being rude. You are being realistic and understanding that no matter how much the West Coast BM may love you and want to be there, it costs A LOT to travel and she is already going to be coughing up a lot of money to attend the wedding and likely can’t afford to attend the pre-wedding festitivites. 

Post # 3
716 posts
Busy bee

I would suggest that you speak to the WC bridesmaid personally.  Maybe leave the conversation more open and less directed…give her the opportunity to let you know if she wouldn’t miss it for the world or if it’s all a bit too much.  I think your sentiment is respectful, but you’re assuming things before you’ve even heard her thoughts.

Post # 4
12873 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont see anything rude about any of it.  It probably didn’t need to be said that if she can’t come, then it was ok anwyays.  But what is to be done when you’re on the otherside of the country.  One of my BMs didn’t come to my shower in Boston and she was just in DC.  No big deal. I would not expect anyone, not even a BM or MOH or MIL or my own mother … anyone to fly out to my shower or bachelorette party.  The only thing they need to show up to is the wedding.

Post # 5
3331 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it’s rude if you let her know you won’t be hurt if she can’t make it.

I would, however, avoid saying this to her or your other BM’s: “She can still help them with planning or with a group gift if she so chooses.” You probably didn’t mean it this way, but it comes off as “You can still do the work of planning my party and buying me a present, but don’t worry about actually coming to the fun part!”. Just a thought.

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Post # 6
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

MrsHistory-Bee:  Maybe your BM took it like you meant that you didn’t care if your other BM was there or not? That’s the only way I can see it coming across as rude. Ask her why she thinks it’s rude? There’s usually a different side to every story, maybe it’s just a communication issue?

To me it sounds reasonable that you don’t expect your BM to travel across the country for a bridal shower.

Post # 7
74 posts
Worker bee

MrsHistory-Bee:  You sound like you were just trying to be considerate of the costs for her. However, it was maybe a little presumptuous to tell your bridesmaid that she’d be “excused” from a shower, gifts, gatherings that you seem to expect from all your bridesmaids. Or you potentially sounded like you expect the bm to plan a shower but don’t want her there. Your bms are presumably all adults – they should be able to figure it out, and if the east coast girls are reasonable, they shouldn’t pressure the west coast bm to travel (or take on shower planning) when she can’t afford it.

Post # 9
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - The Biltmore Ballrooms

You’re being considerate, not rude at all in my opinion.

Post # 10
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree with ClaudiaKishi. It’s nice to let WC bridesmaid know that you’re not expecting/demanding she fly cross country for your shower. I’m sure you’re just trying to make sure she doesn’t feel excluded and that’s great but to say ‘she can still help them with planning or with a group gift’ that might come across like you want her to help pay for activities in which she is not participating.

Post # 12
7915 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

MrsHistory-Bee:  I let my out of town BMs know right off the bat that I know they likely won’t be able to make the little precusory events and all I wanted was them to be there for the big day! Your  other BM is out of line.

Post # 13
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

MrsHistory-Bee:  Not rude at all. I did the same thing. I have one bridesmaid on the West Coast and the rest live in my state. I spoke with her ahead of time and told her that I would love to have her at my shower/bachelorette party but I understood it would cost a lot of money to fly out for those things and the wedding, all I wanted was for her to feel comfortable. She ended up not coming to either party, because it was just too inconvenient/expensive. We are both fine with the situation and can’t wait to see each other the week of the wedding!

Post # 14
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

The only way to find that rude is to read about 50 more layers of context into it than what was actually said.  I actually enjoy party planning, and would be (and have been) rather sad of being left out of bridal shower planning, even if I don’t know if I can make it. 

Post # 15
3331 posts
Sugar bee

MrsHistory-Bee:  Haha, I figured that’s what you meant but thought I would point it out juuuuust in case 🙂

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