Post # 1
I am not a phone person at all, and I think Fiance should get this at this very time. When we got engaged, I called my family and he called his. I didn’t make additional phone calls to talk about the engagement or ring and met up with my friends a week later instead.
I got a text from Fiance today saying that his mom was “sad” that I didn’t call her to talk about the ring. I’m pretty irked because if this was something which was expected, I would think he should tell me before someone’s feelings get hurt.
But then I got to thinking… I don’t have a family, really. I grew up with parents who didn’t have any etiquette and I learned most of the things I know from my friends. I’m embarrassed about this.. so I figured I’d ask you ladies if this was something I was “supposed” to do. What do you think?
I told Fiance given that they apparently had a conversation about this, I’m not going to call her because I feel that would be far too ingenuine. I am going to see her with Fiance on Friday and figured I could clear the air and also share our wedding plans and get her input then.
Is that wrong? We get along, but we don’t talk on the phone. We don’t go out together or anything, either.
Post # 3
i never heard of this as an etiquette thing myself. i am not big on knowing all the formal rules of etiquette, but i am pretty sure this is not considered something you are “supposed” to do! i certainly didn’t!
Post # 4
after my hubby put the ring on we visited my mother and then his parents – if we had lived in different states i feel that we would have phoned them together but i dont know if there is any set expectation to do so
i think its nice (well i hope it is) that your Fiance felt comfortable enough to tell you how his wife was feeling – hopefully he texted you in a polite manner and after you see her on friday everyone is back to normal and no hurt feelings
Post # 5
I don’t know that this is ettiquette, just something she was hoping you would do. But how much can you possibly say? Call her and say, “I’m sorry I didn’t call you about it, but I wanted to show you in person. Words can’t really describe how gorgeous it is.”
Now if he showed it to her before hand, maybe she would have expected a call since she knew what it looked like. But I just don’t know that there is that much to say about it other than that it is pretty and it has a certain stone. Let her see it herself.
Post # 6
It’s not etiquette to have to call her, but it might have be nice to start to bond/build a relationship with her to make the rest of your life easier. Maybe you could call her about your dress or plans in the future….
Post # 7
I don’t know. It’s weird because she knew what it looked like… because Fiance and I designed it, and I was gushing to her after we got it back from the jeweler.
Oh well. I’ll explain it to her in person I suppose, because frankly if I call now and discuss our wedding plan I won’t have anything to say on Friday.
Post # 8
I have a different relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law than most people do. We do all sorts of stuff together and talk on the phone a few times a week. My FIL’s knew that Fiance was proposing when he did but I was the one that called her (she was on vacation with her girlfriends) to tell her the good news, not Fiance.
I can sort of see why she would be a little disappointed that you didn’t call her. I’m sure she just wanted to be excited with you. I would suck it up and give her a call. 10 minutes out of your day isn’t too much to ask to make her happy.
Post # 9
@artichokesalad: I don’t think it’s something your “supposed” to do but I think it is a nice gesture. Like @CaitMarae: she probably was just very excited and wanted to hear how excited you were. I would say maybe shoot her an email and just say something like “I hope you weren’t offended/sad/upset/mad that I didn’t call to talk. I promise we will catch up on details really quick on Friday. Super excited to see you! ArtichokeSalad.” Or something along those lines. No need to call because you are going to see her but just letting her know that you didn’t forget about her and you do want to talk about it would be a quick way to clear the air.
Post # 10
I did not call my Future Mother-In-Law once we got engaged. Darling Husband called his family and I called mine. I see them fairly frequently, so we talked in person the following weekend. I don’t usually call her myself unless it’s about something for Darling Husband, like his b-day.
I don’t think you were “supposed” to call her. I wouldn’t worry about it and just keep her included in the plans as you go forward. It sounds like she’s pretty reasonable, wants to be included and likes you, so that’s great!
Post # 11
No, it’s definitely not something you were supposed to know to do. She’s being unreasonable. But one thing I have learned from these boards is that people have very different and VERY strongly held expectations of what in-law relationships should look like! The only time I’ve EVER talked to my Future In-Laws on the phone was after my Fiance had surgery and I called to tell them he was fine. But other people are deeply hurt when their ILs don’t call them personally on a regular basis. So I think it’s a matter of managing expectations – yours and theirs both.
Post # 12
Yeah, that isn’t an etiquette question and more of a preference thing. You had no way of knowing how she wanted you to handle it. If she were that excited about it, the phone lines work both ways….IMO.
Post # 13
I didn’t even call my family when I got engaged, instead I just send out a massive text to everyone. Then after we got back from dinner I sent out an email with pictures of the ring. I hate the phone though, so I avoid it as much as possible.
To me it seems like its just something she would have liked you to do, not an etiquette thing. Hopefully she understands and won’t hold it against you.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone, I feel less “untrained” now. I’m glad it wasn’t a huge social snafu.
Post # 15
Ha. don’t worry! My Future Sister-In-Law actually called me the next day to ask all about the proposal, ring, etc.. Because my Fiance mostly talked to his dad.
It’s awesome that she was interested! Maybe she is interested in having a closer relationship with you… Maybe try calling her a few times a month?? Also, depending on your comfort level, you could invite her to lunch and try to figure out what each expects of the other… Every family is different!
Post # 16
Oh, I haven’t heard this one. Don’t worry! I think that this is just her expectation, and not the norm. You should mention it to your Fiance – he might not have told his mom about the ring so she’s just curious. You can also just text her a picture of it and say a brief comment about it.