Post # 1
I felt really bad all of today because I was mean to my friend yesterday. The worst part is I kind of feel like my assholery was okay and justified which it really wasn’t. Ugh. You know when you’ve done something bad and you feel terrible about it, but there is a little voice in your head that says ‘but s/he deserved it’? I have that right now.
Okay, so here’s what happened:
FH and I are friends with a couple who are getting married in October. They’re having a large-ish wedding with 200 or so people. The bride is an upfront kind of gal, she doesn’t generally believe in lying to people when it’s not strictly necessary. She’s the kind of person who you either really like or really don’t – I’m straddling the fence on that one since I really like her at times, and really don’t at others- like now for example. The groom is kind of the same but to a lesser degree. He knows how to lie to avoid hurting people.
After the invitations went out the bride was pretty upfront about the fact that she had a B list and some of our mutual friends are on it. Yeah, you see where I’m going with this. It’s not like the bride promised me an invite or anything but I don’t like being told ‘sorry, you rank nowhere in our Top 200 People List’. It’s not that I resent being on the B list, I just resent being told about it.
So anyways the bride called me and told me in a nice way that a spot had opened up and she’d be sending me and FH and invitation. This made me really mad for some reason I can’t really put my finger on. Maybe it’s because they live a couple of states away and I’m not really prepared to drive hundreds of miles/fly in to be someone’s back-up wedding guest. I kind of lost my shit and the following conversation happened:
Bride: …So there’s a spot open and Groom and I would be so happy if you could make it!
Ruby Redshoes (voice dripping with venom): I’ll see if Mr. Redshoes and I can make it. Your wedding is on my B list for that day, so if my plans fall through and I have nothing on I’ll call you.
And then I hung up on her. That was a terrible thing to do. But a part of me feels that if the bride doesn’t forgive me I won’t feel that bad – she’d probably have done the same thing and I guess if you do rude crap like make your B list known to all then people are going to throw rude crap back at you.
FH laughed when I told him about this, but only because he is a Decent Human Being and would never do anything like this. He thinks the bride deserved that response but I feel bad.
Was I terrible to say that to my friend?
Post # 3
@Ruby-Redshoes: It might have been a bit rough, but I have never been a big fan of the B-list esp. telling people they’re on it (it reminds me way too much of my childhood). I’d try to have a calm talk about it rather than hang up on her, but that’s just me.
Post # 4
I think it’s kind of rude to have a B-list in the first place, but you know what they say: Two rudes don’t make a right 😛
It’ll either blow over or it won’t.
Post # 5
Is it bad that reading that made me really really happy?
I’m going to say that yes, it was rude. But you were not wrong for saying it. Bride sounds like kind of an ass. And as someone who is kind of an ass I should know.
Post # 6
Here’s my thoughts on being honest. There are times where it is necessary.. and there are times where it causes undue harm and stress. I’m going to quote some people on this because they put it better…
Communicating truth must be done prudently within the context of charity. Often the truth is wielded as a weapon and thus has a destructive rather than a constructive effect.
When conveying information, we should think of the “three sieves” of Socrates: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful? … Everything we say must be true, but we need not say everything that is true.
You weren’t necessarily wrong… but you could have done it in a better way so that it had a ‘constructive effect’ vs a ‘destructive’ one. What should you do? Maybe call up your friend and apologize. Say “yes this is how I feel and yesterday I was in a bad mood and communicated it rather harshly.” You don’t have to, but if you want to keep the friendship then, this is a possible course of action to fix any hurt feelings.
Post # 7
I probably would’ve done something similar, and I’ll be doing the same when I get my cousin’s wedding RSVP in the mail.
I think it’ll either fade away or it won’t, and either way you’ve made your peace so I’d just let it be what it is. You can’t exactly take it back.
Post # 8
@Ruby-Redshoes: Ouch. It was definitely rude of her to tell you that you were on her B list (though does she have a good reason? huge families, their parents insisted on inviting tons of people, etc?). It’s also rude to call you instead of mailing you a formal invitation! But I think you know that doesn’t justify your response to her invite.
Regardless of whether she’s a blunt, up-front person or not, she’s your friend and deserves to be treated the way you’d want to be treated. I would call her back and apologize and explain that your feelings were hurt re: the B list (and knowing you were on it).
Post # 9
I think B lists are really rude, but I guess I can see why people have them. However, I certainly would not make anyone aware of my B list, especially someone that is on it! I would be peeved about it too if I were you. I think your response was a little harsh (but it made me laugh) but she’ll get over it. If someone is rude its hard for me not to reciprocate 😛
Post # 10
Sorry, but that made me really laugh!
If you aren’t too arsed about possibly losing the friendship, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it. Unless you are the sort of perfect woman who craps rainbows, I doubt there are many of us who haven’t had that sort of reaction to BS..and wished afterwards that we’d had the guts to express it!
I don’t even think it’s a question of being honest, or lying…I think it’s more a question of having some goddamned tact.
Post # 11
I think thats a sticky situation. My honest opinion is that while I can understand not being thrilled that you guys were on the B list, responding like that and hanging up on her were uncalled for. She was honest with you guys about the situation, and let you know when they were able to add you to the guest list. So while i understand being irritated about being TOLD you’re on the guestlist…i feel like its better than her saying you’ll be invited and then never sending the invite. Our friends got married in June and they called us 3 weeks before the wedding asking if we could go and apologizing for the late notice…my FI was kinda irritated but at the same time, as we’re going through the wedding planning process you kind of feel for the situation and we were happy to go to the wedding and ddin’t hold it against them that we weren’t on the “a” list. Even if you were upset, I don’t think hanging up was the mature reaction.
Post # 12
Honestly, yall don’t really sound like friends. :/
If you do want a friendship with her, then I would call and apologize. If you feel this friendship is over anyway, just leave it as is and let it die out if it hasn’t already.
Post # 13
Yeah, I sort of love your response.
Post # 14
B-lists are rude in the first place, but telling people they are on the b-list and congrats! A spot for you opened up! Is just ridiculous.
I love what you said to her, it’s hilarious. Might have been something I said in my head. Regardless of saying anything to her, there is no way I would go to that wedding.
Post # 15
If she was really your friend you wouldn’t have been on the b list. I think you did the right thing. The fact that she even told you that you were on the b list is rude. She basically said you aren’t good enough to come to my wedding.
Post # 16
Wow, I think you were way over the line.
So, do you know that the reason she has a “B” list in the first place (which I never agree with, but everyone doesn’t feel the same) isn’t because their families aren’t demanding Great Aunt Maisey or second cousin twice removed Andrew be invited? Maybe they were unable to invite hardly any of their friends because of family obligations, and jumped at the chance to be surrounded by friends the first chance they got.
I don’t know you, I don’t know her, but I’m pretty direct myself and I would never say such a thing to someone I considered a “friend”. Your words and actions seem like they were intended to do nothing but cause pain, and as you start to get knee deep in your own wedding planning, I bet you’ll come to appreciate that compromises often have to be made, it’s almost impossible to keep everyone happy, and I hope your friends show you more patience and civility than you showed her.