(Closed) Was it something I said?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Oh dear.  Sounds like you mom is worried…  my mom also has a tendency to get angry when she is worried.  (Weirdly enough I have noticed the same tendency in myself.)  Congratulations for keeping your temper – it can be difficult.

I would maybe wait a day and call back.  Maybe she will have calmed down a little by then.  Is the issue all the dresses or just for your little sister?  If all the dresses then maybe you need to put it on a credit card, or reschedule.  But it seems as if you should talk to her about what she can really afford to pay – and maybe adjust your plans accordingly. 

If just your little sister’s dress is the issue, you can let your mom know that while you would really like her to be in the wedding you understand if there’s no way to work it out.  And just go and get the rest of your dresses fitted.

Post # 4
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Maybe she’s just stressed due to the financial situation the family’s in.  I would probably be stressed, too, if my husband hadn’t been paid yet, my daughter is getting married, my other daughter needs to get fitted for a gown, a wedding cake needs to be paid for, etc.  It probably got her more on edge when you said that your sister could no longer be in the wedding.

Finances are always a tough thing to deal with, especially when it’s within the family.  Talk to the bridal salon– maybe they can wait a little while for the payment for the last dress since all of the other dresses would be paid for now.  Or maybe your mom + stepdad can put in some money now and pay you back later.  Or maybe you can pay for your sister’s dress or have her wear another dress so she can still be in the wedding.

I guess… just remember to focus on what’s important.  Would you rather have your little sister in the wedding in a non-exact dye lot matching dress or not have her in the wedding at all?  Maybe call your mom back in a little while once both of you have calmed down and try to come up with a comprimise.

Post # 5
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Yes, I think it was something you said.  Specifically the 7 words "then Anjali can’t be in the wedding."  You essentially just told your mom that matching dye lots/dresses are more important to you than having your sister in the wedding.  Or that keeping Saturdays appointment instead of rescheduling is more important than your sister being in the wedding.  I think I’ve been a very pleasant bride to my friends and my fiance, but I keep finding myself snapping at my mom and my sister (two of my most favorite people in the world).  I don’t know why exactly, but my wedding stress keeps coming out only at them.  I keep apologizing, but then it will happen again a few weeks later!  I’m trying ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Post # 6
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Yeah… briannie and enmoore66 are right.  It probably didn’t help to have your mom perceive you as threatening to cut your little sis out of the wedding.

If the money is going to be a big deal, you need to work it out somehow.  If your mom and stepdad really can’t afford the commitment they have made, you need to know that.  It would suck to spend money that they don’t have and you don’t have, and then never get paid back.  It is sometimes hard to talk about money, but you don’t want to get into a situation that causes long-term hard feelings. (They are resentful because they spent more than they really could; you are resentful because they didn’t come through with the money they promised.)

It sounds to me like your mom was upset from the start, although she got more upset on the subject of your sister’s participation.  It also sounds like you are not confident that they will actually pay for the things they have committed to, and I assume that is based on some prior experience.  Maybe you need to figure out how to put on a wedding that you can afford without your mom’s help, and then any contribution you get from them will just be a bonus.  (Although, back to the sore point, maybe that little sis doesn’t get a dress…)

Post # 7
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I also agree with enmoore66.  Suggesting that your sister can not participate if she does not show up may have sent your mother over the edge.  As brides-to-be, I think it is very important to remember that our mothers have been dreaming about our wedding day probably longer than we have.  So she is probably feeling just as much pressure as you are about the big day.  So it is understandable that tensions run high between mothers and daughters while planning the "best day of our lives".  Throw some money issues into the mix, and then all heck can break loose.  (I know, I’ve experienced it first-hand).  That said, your wedding day will be very special for you and your hubby to be, but it will also be very special for your mother, and your little sister, who is probably thrilled to participate in such an exciting event.  You need to decide if a dress from a matching dye lot is more important than having your sister be a part of the wedding.  Personally, I’d rather have my sister participate while wearing a monkey suit than not  participate at all.  But thats just my opinion.

Post # 8
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

i’m going to ditto all the above comments.

at the end of the day, would you and your FH be any less married if lil’ sis dress wasn’t an exact match?

 how about letting Anjali wear something a little different anyway since she is the special little sister of the bride?

and please consider how heartbroken she would be if you told her she couldnt be in the wedding. Imagine being 6 yrs old and the reason you can’t participate in your big sister’s wedding is bc your dress wouldnt match exactly. she would be hurt and confused. and you would look pretty lame.

Post # 9
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

On top of what the others said, you have WAY more than enough time before you need to order your dresses.  Can’t you put it off, if they are having financial difficulties, so they can save some money and put aside weekly or something for the dress?  My girls just ordered their dresses in december and my wedding is in april. bridesmaid dresses should not take more than 6 -8 weeks to come in.  So, you really do have other options – you are extremely well organized I have seen, and very well ready for your wedding, and you still have over 7 months.  I think getting angry at you family and telling your mother your sister can’t be in the wedding is getting on the verge of bridezilladom.  I know its stressful…just go with the flow – it really will all work out in the end!

Post # 10
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

ummmm i think it’s a myth that all the dresses need to be orderd at the same time b/c of dye lot #s… 

my point – all my BMs are wearing the same color and fabric but different styles, so the bridal salon is ordering as the BMs go in and order their dresses – one at a time – all the bridal salon does is tell the folks at jim hjelm to make it from batches that hve the same dye lot # – does that make sense?? so all the dresses are not made from the same bolt of cloth – but theyre made with cloth from the same dye lot #

in the long run, it’s not gonna be that big of a deal to me – how "off" can the color be anyways – and do matchy matchy dresses matter to you more than your younger sister in the wedding??

Money issues always stress people out – breathe and remind yourself this is about love and family, not identical colors on dresses, kwim??

GOOD LUCK & HAPPY PLANNING!

 

Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

It’s a myth that all dresses need to be ordered at the same time. *IF* there is any difference in the fabrics, ordered at different times, it is not noticeable to anyone but a seamstress looking very close up.

 Talk to your mom about when it works for them to order dresses. BM dresses do not need to be ordered this far out – I understand wanting to have that checked off your list, but this can wait. It’s more important to have your sister in the wedding, and keep peace with your mom than to have a freakout over when to order BM dresses.

Post # 12
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I could be wrong, but it sounds like budgeting is not a strong suit with your mom.  I recognize this in mother and it becomes very hard to advise your own mother on her spending habits.  You may want to make sure that your mom is not over extending herself to make you happy.  If she is, it will cause more problems later.  My mother took out a second mortgage on her house to help with my wedding.  She almost lost the house because of it.  If your sister does not get the exact color then choose a different color (silver?)  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 13
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Just a thought, but if you’re still 6+ months away, and your sister is presumably growing, you might want to hold off on her dress until a about month (or less!) away.  Get her a "special" dress maybe?  Having been a bigger child, I know I would have died if the pretty dress ordered for me didn’t fit because I had gotten too big.  And if she’s got some girth to her, it might be that shes getting ready to shoot up another couple of inches, its still happening with my almost-18yo brother… any time he stops looking like a stringbean for too long, he grows taller and slims back down. He’s about a foot taller than I am… and I’m 5’7"!

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