Post # 1
Just thinking of things today.
Our wedding is to be intimate (well, 100 people, all close family!) but my fiance’s sister added some of her friends. One thing is true, the friends are from her childhood and we were invited to their wedding too. I just feel like it is not right, it changes the dynamic a bit I think. Also the FSIL that did this is VERY CONTROLLING. She said she’d pay for the extra people and don’t worry it’s just to not hurt anyone’s feelings.
I was just wondering if this was a bad compromise? They aren’t close to US… and one of the friends is a total snob!! She only invited 2 sets of friends– ok, not that many, but still… We were to do 50/50, but they went over by 8 people. I understand some of them were close friends to my fiance’s parents. I just feel like it is not quite fair she invited friends we aren’t close to, but I admit if she weren’t so controlling and drama causing I might look a little less into this. Also the snobby friend makes me uncomfortable! I fixate a bit on that.
Post # 3
Eh, no big IMO. It’d probably annoy me too but at the end of the day are 4 people really going to ruin your day? Nah, they’re not. If she’s willing to pay for them, and they’re not super intrusive or bothersome, let them come. They might decline the invite anyway.
Post # 4
@yassim: It’s not your FSIL’s wedding so her friends don’t need to be there.
If you and your FI can’t even invite your friends, there’s no reason she should be able to invite hers EVEN if she’s paying for them.
If she’s paying for your entire wedding then maybe inviting them is ok, but otherwise, she needs to not invite people to your wedding when you already had to cut out your friends.
Post # 5
We made couple of allowances on our guestlist like my grandmother bringing my uncle as her date since her bf couldn’t make it… she already was down for a +1 so we let it be ok…. even though no other aunts or uncles were invited.
So.. if you want to allow it it’s all good… ppl probably won’t notice and if so they’ll get over it…
BUT like pp said if you aren’t getting to invite YOUR friends why should her’s be coming?… that’s definitely a not very considerate move on her. In that case I’d probably tell her no and just put her in her place. lol
Post # 6
Well it is your wedding so it really should just be who you want to be there, I think it’s awfully rude for her to take the liberty of inviting an entourage. And as one of her guests, I would feel pretty awkward to be invited as a guest of a SIL instead of the bride and groom…
However, since there are 100 people there, will you really notice a handful more? I think if it was an intimate wedding of 40 or so, it would be pretty obtrusive but with already 100 guests, I don’t think there presence will even be notable. If it’s going to be a huge battle, I would just let it go.
Post # 7
That’s not at all ok. We also had a small wedding so we had to cut our guest list and not invite people we would have liked to. So of course we were strict with plus ones, why do I want someone who has been dating our guest for a month that I’ve never met when I can’t have my good family friend who’s known me since I’ve been born? And she’s not just asking for a plus one, she’s asking to bring a group of people? That’s just not ok.
Post # 8
Thanks for writing!
Its a bit frustrating, I go back and forth about it. She gave me the list in an email and said don’t worry about this!!!! we can’t control this!!! we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and we will pay for the extra people. So, it being worded that way made me feel like ok… whatever then… but it’s like one of those things that pops into your head (well, happens to me anyway) and think, gee did I make a mistake?
Post # 9
I would just flat-out tell her no. They had an allotted amount of guests, they’ve already gone over, and she’ll know more than enough people at the wedding without having to bring extra friends along so she has someone to hang out with.
Why don’t people understand that in situations like this it’s not about the money? It’s who you care about having with you for a milestone in your life, and these people do not fall into that category.
Post # 10
Since she said she is willing to pay for them I think it’s a fine compromise.
Post # 11
I think the only thing that makes me uncomfortable at this point about saying no is my family is throwing me a shower and the girls of her friends were invited to that… so it would feel weird to not invite them to the wedding now if they’re going to the shower. Or is that not a big deal?
Post # 12
Actually, you can control it. I am having a small intimate wedding that FI and I are paying for. My mother wants to invite her friends but I said No. I can’t even invite any of my friends since my list comprises of my large family. I would review your list and see if there are any additional ppl you and your FI want to come. If there aren’t any additional ppl, allow her the additional ppl. And get the $$$$ up front. Family will promise the world but will disappear when its time to pay the bill.
Post # 13
@yassim: why not tell your FSIL “No, they aren’t invited even if you pay their way” and then inform whoever is throwing the shower that these girls aren’t invited to the wedding. Then that person can deal with uninviting them to the shower or letting them come.
It sounds like they were invited to the shower FIRST and then your FSIL sent the message to you figure they’d be invited to the wedding. Or, it’s possible she sent the list to you first and figured if they were invited to the shower also, you’d HAVE to let them come to the wedding, too.
If it were me, I’d tell the FSIL “No way in hell”, then inform those hosting the shower, and make it known to everyone involved that they aren’t coming to the wedding even if they show up to the shower.
Post # 14
I felt like it was weird how it all went, not that it will sound it. But first, she sent me a list… with no addresses! And after about 3-4 weeks of waiting for her to give me the addresses (and she just got married in ’10 and said no problem, said she’s got them all right there) she slipped in the few more people… then yadda yadda. After she already sent me a list!
The wife of one of the friends she invited said she couldn’t make it to the shower (my mom told me as she is the RSVP person as she’s most reachable) so I thought hmm, well she won’t be at the shower… so if she doesn’t get a wedding invite it won’t be tacky, like inviting someone to the shower but not the wedding?
Then it makes me feel weird, like this girl probably didn’t even want to go and just gave an excuse, it’s not like she even knows me other than maybe 3 meetings, his sister just put people in… I don’t know, not sure what to do at this point but it’s getting to me! My mother said I could think about “losing” an invitation to the wedding… not saying I’m running off to do that, but I didn’t know, do people do that?
Post # 15
I would say that’s not OK. We are also having a small wedding and in order to keep the guest list manageable we are only having people that we are close to. Our parents’ friends who we do not know did not make the cut, unfortunately. So I would be upset if someone added people to our list and was not understanding of our limited budget and guest list.
Post # 16
I understand where you’re coming from, and I absolutely don’t want there to be anyone at my wedding that neither bride nor groom are close to. At the same time, I’ve already added a few people to the guest list that we know, but not well, that are very good friends of our siblings. Specifically, we’re inviting a close friend of my brother who still lives nearby, my FBIL’s best friend and (provided they’re still together next year), my FSIL’s boyfriend. We’re not close, and wouldn’t invite them to a regular party, but its worth it to invite them to the wedding just so our siblings do have someone that they can really enjoy the day with.
Maybe you could talk to the FSIL about inviting one or two of those people, but with your approval so that both of you are happy. It’d be a good way to get what you want (i.e. not the snobby girl) without alienating her before you join her family.