Post # 1
So, in a nutshell, I’ve been with my SO for 2 and a half solid years, and I’ve been waiting to get married for about a year of that. The problem had been financies. There was a time when he claimed he was ready, then changed his mind right when things were about to really happen. I was obviously devasted, then he did the same thing again, and obviously I was even more devasted. So for a good while after that I was frustrated, upset, depressed, and down right out of patience. To try and pull myself out of it, I became very independent, and eventually managed to push the whole marriage thing out of my head. The problem now is, everything has lined up, and he claims this time he’s sincerely ready to pop the question as soon as he can. I’m in no way interested in getting married anytime soon. I LOVE where I am now (just like he loved where he was back then), I like being independent, having little responsibility, and keeping all the money I’ve earned for myself. Now he’s the one disappointed and upset because I’m not ready.
So what do I do? Is it my fault things have ended up this way? I still love him, I just really don’t want to tie the knot. Has anyone else felt this way?
Post # 3
Why don’t you want to get married? You can be married and still be independent, and keep all of your money. And as long as you don’t have children, you can still have very little responsibility. If you’re already in a LTR, you probably have some responsibility to him, and you wouldn’t necessarily need to have more just because you get married.
Marriage is what you make it, and the role of “wife” is whatever you want it to be. If you don’t want to be waiting at home with a cocktail in one hand and a paper in the other, and dinner on the stove when he gets home from work every day, there’s nothing that says you have to.
Given that, the only reason I can see that someone wouldn’t want to get married is that they don’t want to spend the rest of their life with the other person. Which is fine–but you probably ought to do some real soul-searching, and let him know immediately if this is the case. Like I’ve told many women before, the person dragging their feet owes the person waiting a clear idea of what’s going on, including an honest assessment of the odds of marriage, complete with an approximate timeline in which these things can be expected to occur. It’s no different when the roles are gender-reversed. If he’s ready to get married, and you don’t think you ever will be, you owe him your honesty, so that if he decides he needs marriage, he can go find that and you can keep your independence.
Post # 4
@EffieTrinket: Thanks so much for the advice :)! It’s not that I never want to marry him, it’s just that I don’t want to get married sometime in the future…distant future. It’s like our mindsets have flipped. I think the root of it all might just be that I don’t want to get excited again, and then have things happen like it did before 🙁
Post # 5
Before he proposes, tell him that you love him but you’re not ready for marriage. Don’t let anyone pressure you if you’re not completely sure it’s what you want.
Post # 6
I think you should talk to him about this and tell him this. Figure out what happened that you wanted to marry him before and now you don’t. If you plan on staying together, married or not, communication is important. Good luck to you!
Post # 7
@ohmygiggles: I know this feeling all too well! I actually just came out of it after being there for several years. I was the one who wanted to get married. So after a HUGE talk I tried to shove it out of my head and it worked. I read about marriage, what it meant, and basically talked myself out of it thinking that it was just some archaic institution that my happy as a clam boyfriend and I didn’t need to do to be committed and complete. We would get to it when we were ready to have children and there was no rush in between. I too thought about all the things I wanted to complete first, biggest being school. Because I figured once we did take the plunge, we’d be taking it to start a family as to us it doesn’t really make sense to tie the knot until it’s family making time.
Post # 8
Marriage is a piece of paper and a smattering of legal benefits. Make your own rules. You just have to be honest with him about the type of relationship you want and what roles/things would need to carry over into marriage.