Weddingbee boards

I'm posting this to Newlyweds, though I am not one, because I figure you've all said your vows.

The man and I are both very reserved, introverted people. We don't like crowds or parties, and are private with our affections too (we don't do "PDA", even hand-holding usually, especially not in front of family).

So many brides talk about their magical, wonderful ceremony, and how great it was, how special, how they cried and how all they can remember is how their groom was looking at them, etc.

I do not think it will be that way for us. I think we will feel self-conscious and weird, will have cold sweat dripping down our foreheads, and won't even be fully comfortable kissing in front of all those people we know (our PARENTS will be there, for god sakes! LOL). I think we will be flustered and embarrassed that all these people are watching us trying to share this 'intimate moment', which is honestly set up to be just the opposite of intimate.

Granted, I know that the idea of a wedding is to celebrate your love for each other, and that includes sharing with everyone present how you feel about your new spouse. But still..

And to give this a little more weight even, I was married before, and remember the ceremony part of it as being uncomfortable and weird feeling, like this play we were putting on, and just feeling nervous and on-the-spot and like I was being stared at (I was, after all) the whole time. I remember thinking about my sweaty hands, wondering if anyone could see the blister on my foot, thinking about the weather, and for the kiss, trying to make it a short, appropriate one because I was so mortified to do that in front of family.

Did anyone feel this way on their wedding day, or am I completely weird?  Or if there are non-newlyweds reading this, do you worry that you will?

It's stuff like this that leans me back toward the appeal of 'courthouse'. 

Edit: i want to clarify that we do NOT come from extreme religious/traditional families. We live together and everything...so it's not like we're trying to protect our pure image by not having PDA or anything. It just isn't something we do.

MegK - thank god I'm not the only one!!! We're hoping feelings WONT be hurt if we go to the courthouse alone... but we want to ask our parents and grandparents first to make sure they'll be OK with it, since in a way it is "their day" too - their day to see their younger loved one get married, that is.

I am the SAME way about relationships. I don't tell anyone when I'm involved, and I'm even feeling embarassed to tell my mom we're getting engaged. Not that I think she'll be mad or anything... it's just weird. In college my mom would wonder why a relationship is 'so serious', when she didn't know I'd been dating a guy for 2 years prior! lol.

I felt really awkward during mine. I hate being the center of attention, and I wanted to have a private ceremony because of it (we did not though, MIL demanded a public ceremony)

I appreciate everyone's comments - for those of you who say not to worry, that the moment will prevail.. I wish I could have more faith in you, but that's not how my first wedding went! I was nervous and sick and ADHD the whole time ...

@seabreeze - "I felt bathed in warmth and love." <--- cute! I love that imagery.

@salex19 - oh no! that's too bad about the communiion thing. That's a great piece of advice for anyone though - know exactly what your officiant is going to say/do - they might have a standard ceremony that they will use in ADDITION to your customizations, not use just yours instead, like some people might expect.

@missrachelk -  that's really helpful advice, its' true, we are very in charge of our feelings, and this people-fear is something I need to kick in the butt. And you're right, perhaps my nervousness before was a result of my poor choice to walk down the aisle in the first place! lol.

It sounds like it's revealing the personal, intimate aspects of your relationship that makes you uncomfortable. What are you planning to do for your vows?

My husband and I did the traditional "to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer" vows. I love to write and express myself creatively but I had no desire to write my own vows. When I said my vows it was like I could hear every other time they had been said in movies and plays and by our parents and grandparents going through my mind. It made me feel connected to all of them, like I was not alone up there. I loved saying those words that are such a part of history and that I will remember verbatim forever without even trying. Perhaps if you go with a more traditionally worded/structured ceremony or vows you will feel less self-conscious.

Additionally, here is an article about a psychological concept called the spotlight effect, which refers to our fear that everyone is judging us in social situations. The bottom line is that we are our own harshest critics. Here is another article that shows that when people can empathize with your situation, they are likely to feel charitable toward your actions (it's when they cannot begin to imagine what's happening to you happening to them that they might be less friendly-minded---like when you hear about people committing heinous crimes). Luckily, everyone knows about weddings and most people love them (and many have been married themselves)! Knowing about these phenomena has really helped calm my nerves in social situations.

Ms. AnnaLytical - yikes! at least I'm not the only one. I always seem so non-involved to everyone, just because I'm private about those kinds of things! We've decided to get married privately at the courthouse, so I'm thrilled about that!