- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
Ok i am sorry if this gets long. I just got a lot on my mind these days and i feel it is hurting my Fh.
I fell in love with this guy in high school. we dated a few times but he kept cheating ( he was 4 years older than me and out of school. i know wrong but i didn’t feel like it) i really cared for him alot and even when we were not dateing at times we could not stop talking to each other ( no matter how much i was mad at him) and even when hanging out he would keep touching me ( not wrongly he was not a perve) he would touch my arm or rub my back. after i met my now FH he did not talk to me much. i found out about a year later that he had a brain tumor so i statred to text him. He would text me all day and night it was like old times he even said sorry for cheating. Than he kept saying he wanted me to find him a Girlfriend so he would die with someone who loved him. I told him i would not break up with my Fh but i will be by his side and that i care for him a lot ( i never got to tell him i loved him) he told me that was not enough. After a while of texting he said he wanted to me to meet him. everytime i would go to meet him he would never be their and i could not get ahold of him for days. after awhile of this we just stopped talking. I kept an eye on his condition by asking some of our mutial friends how he was doing. one week on monday i asked my friend how he was doing and he said he was good. two day later i found out he died but not by one of our friends but a nother girl who did not know him saw his obit in the paper and called to see how i was doing. I had no clue. I went to the funral and felt like no one wanted me thier cuz i was not thier for him in the end. now resantly i found out that when he was close to dying he wrote letters to people ( one friend showed me hers other wise i would not know about them) it said that he loved her and would miss her and she was a great friend. and it went on. i feel bad because i did not get one and he stopped talking to me and would not see me and no one told me he had gotten worse other wise i would have been thier. I don’t know how to feel.
Now my fh durring fights tells me that i wish he was the one dead and that my ex was still alive. but than he says he does not mean it and does not mind me talking about my ex or going to see his grave. And when i feel bad about not knowing how my ex felt about me because i fell i was nothing to him now. He tells me that the reason my ex stopped talking to me and that he must have told my friends to say he was ok so i would not see him when he was sick and he wanted me to remember him like he was with us togeather. it has been two years now since he died and i keep haveing dreams of him that are so real that i feel like i was really just with him . Just spending a day with him and he would tell me he loves me but i think that is just my wishful thinking. Idk what to think and i don’t know how to go about these feeling if they really do hurt my fh ( even though he says it does not. idk i want to figure this out before my wedding cuz i want to stop being so depressed in november when he died and march around his birthday). idk please give me your ideas.