Post # 1
I’m on the board a fair bit but I have to go anon on this one… I also can’t really say alot about my fiance in case everybody figures out who I am – lol!
Anyway here’s my situation. My guy is great – really! Gonna get married soon. He and I went on a weekend mini vacay to somewhere in Florida. We went with another couple who are our best friends. On the third night we all got completely trashed on shots. Some other stuff was taken as well… So conversation turned to the risque like fantasies and such. Both guys agreed that they fantasized about threesomes. Long story short when we got back to our hotel we all ended up in our suite.
More shots and stuff later we all sort of agreed that we’d mess around. It all started kind of in disbelief but the booze had its effect. My guy started OK but couldn’t really “maintain” so he wasn’t actively involved. The other guy had issues as well but he managed. So at some point the other guy came over to the couch where I was with my fiance and kissed me. Things went from there and we had sex. His girlfriend joined in too. My guy was like looking at all this happen. I figured he was turned on.
So the other guy had a problem finishing so his girlfriend helped him. Eventually they left and we went to bed. The next morning (afternoon actually) when we woke up my fiance and I just looked at each other in disbelief. We actually shook our heads. Problem is later on when he thought about it, he felt that since he didn’t really participate we shouldn’t have gone on. And by “we” he means me.
So by the time we came back home he was angry and sullen. He says he can’t believe I did all that “stuff” and that I should have stopped way before things got “intimate.” He also feels ridiculous to the other couple.
I really don’t think I’m in the wrong here. Am I? Also, how can I help him move forward so this doesn’t grow into an even bigger deal?
Post # 2
Forever2014: I really don’t think I’m in the wrong here. Am I?
Yes, you are, unless the two of you have a mutual agreement to be intimate with other people. You had sex with another guy in front of your fiancé. How do you expect him to feel?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club
I dont know. there is a lot going on here. From booze to “other” ingested things. Also, i mean, he did partake in the beginning, and ended up not finishing. was he feeling inadequate after? did he maybe want to do so after? Maybe process the situation with him, and what is underlying. couples counseling maybe?
Post # 4
Forever2014: I think the fact that you had sex with another man in front of him is a big deal already. Obviously some couples are happy to involve other people and that’s what works for them but you lay down boundries, you have serious sober discussions privately about it.
Post # 5
Forever2014: Well, Since you and youre fiance started, he kind of agreed to it.If he didnt he would be naked in the bed with the rest of you. So He got mad because he didnt participate. But he agreed by hes actions. So you are not in the wrong
Now all this situation really hurt his ego and manlywhood if i can say. So I dont know how you are with your fiance but with mine if he is mad at something that i know that i was right, i will let him cool down and then talk to him. Say that you didnt want to hurt him, you tought that everybody agreed, you appologies and stuff like that
I’m sure you will get through it. you didnt do anything behind his back. from what i see, its a misunderstanding
Post # 7
If he was involved in the start and couldn’t ‘maintain’ himself to continue, unless he said something, how in the world were you supposed to know that he didn’t want anything to happen… especially if he watched it happen and didn’t do anything to stop it or try to cut in. It kind of hard to place blame on either party.. soudns like you guys need to work on communication, even when piss drunk.
Post # 8
Forever2014: I think you are in the wrong here. Your FI was left out- the other guy got extra help from his lady, but you didn’t help out your man. Alcohol or no alcohol, you had sex with another man in front your FI and your FI is obviously not okay with that.
Post # 9
Well, did your FI say anything while all this was going on that would have indicated he wanted you to stop? I wouldn’t place blame on either of you directly because it seems like you both were willing participants. It sounds like he could not perform and is upset about that. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think he can blame you entirely. If he voiced his concerns during the situation and you ignored him, that would be a different story in my mind.
Post # 10
The mistake was made by both of you in not setting boundaries before this evening ever happened.
You can’t go back and fix it, but you do need to discuss boundaries should you ever find yourselves in this position again- including not blaming alcohol and drugs for what happened.
Have the talk, apologize for your part in not having defined boundaries and decide whether the two of you ever want to be sexual with anyone else again.
Post # 11
Forever2014: well at the same time, why didn’t he stop you? Can’t place all the blame on you.
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Post # 12
Ok, so your FI agreed to all four of you fooling around and is pissed off at you for having sex with another guy when he was unable to participate? He is partially justified in that what he agreed to (the four of you fooling around) didn’t happen and you went ahead anyway when he couldn’t participate, so you sort of cheated. BUT he is blowing things a little out of proportion because his ego has been damaged by his inability to maintain an erection, which would be why he feels ridiculous to the other couple I am assuming. Give it time, then discuss things. I agree with PPs you need to set boundaries for any future occurrences like this, and set them while you are sober.
Post # 13
I think he’s probably feeling pretty conflicted. Yes, he started out joining in but couldn’t *maintain* as you say, so he dropped out. This is the point where you should have checked in with him. Maybe he wasn’t feeling comfortable about going forward with it and that is what caused his lack of ability. Because you two didn’t have established boundaries and expectations in place before this got underway, he was most likely in a really uncomfortanble position. He may have thought you really wanted to continue and he didn’t want to rain on your parade or look like a spoilsport. It’s possible he was just too wasted to articulate his thoughts and feelings in the moment, which is another reason why these scenarios should never happen in the moment but be discussed at length beforehand.
Honestly, I can kind of see where he’s coming from. He lost the ability to continue. Instead of focusing on him and making it an enjoyable experience for him too, you ditched him and went to another man to *get yours*. That would be a pretty big blow to absorb. Most especially when he sees the other man’s SO being supportive in making sure her man gets his when he has the same issue.
Post # 14
This whole scenario is a mess from start to finish, but your fiance losing his erection and stopping his participation didn’t clue you in at all that the situation wasn’t ok? Do you not know men or your man at all? Or did you just not care in the moment? I’m not seeing a positive outcome from this. I’d also like to add that if you’re mature enough to handle marriage, you should be mature enough to not get heavily intoxicated and into situations like this one. This is a relationship ending mistake.
Post # 15
Jacqui90: Just because he didn’t have an ercetion doesn’t mean he couldn’t have participated with his hands and mouth in other ways. From my point-of-view I would have thought that he was happy at that point just to watch. It’s not as if he said anything or withdrew his consent.
OP you 100% need to talk about boundaries etc for the next time (even if there is no next time you need to have a conversation that clearly reaches that conclusion). There was no way for you to know what was and wasn’t ok at the point so although he is allowed to feel his feelings he shouldn’t be placing any blame on you.
Perhaps he is really embarrassed about not being able to perform and this is manifesting in anger?
Post # 16
It’s not your fault he now regrets ‘going there’. Isn’t this what usually ends up happening in threesomes etc? One person feels jealous/left-out etc. If you want to stay with him i suggest staying awya from those friends for a good while and trying to repair the damage.